Wow I can't beleive it. for the first time in my life I am evaluating my friends. Seriously. Not the friends I am making or the new ones. But the ones I have known for a long time. The ones that I may not get to join in my walk, and must continue in mine.

Like my friend R, my best friend actually. Around him we cut up and goof off. And this is next to work my greatest source of cussing and swearing. He goes to church but leads the life in lust. Fairly confrontational, but a good friend. Spiritually not a good friend. He calims God has everything happen for a reason but then you mention God in a way he doesnt like he ridicules. And does not seem to get the doing things out of love and respect.

Then there is B. He is critial harshly of any organized religion. Also very dominated by Lust. But he is getting into the spiritual/zen aspects of easter religion. Hard to hang out with him as it comes down alot to "chunky asses" he loves pointing out every time an attractive woman walks by. He has come a long ways though as he used to be fairly angry, but not to bad lately. He is also one of the few that, did not agree with my transformation in 97, but accepted it.

Then is another friend D, she is a sweet girl. But it is hard to know what she really wants. SHe speaks of God and then of postive vibes and the universe, and referring to it as "her" She got me into, very breifly, Urantia. It had some good stuff but alas I got the book and could not read the whole thing and lost interest in it. But she is intelligent, but she does get too wrapped up in relationships though that she looses herself.

I have more and more friends I can go on with but the ones that I needed, or could have used of benefit, were not there in my change. As of now I do not want to be around them as much. The things I used to tolerate, I now DO NOT want to tolerate. Like the "Chunky asses" or the "dates" my freinds go on. I just want to clear my mind of these desires and focus in on real lrelationships and draw closer to God.

And some of these friends I can barely even offer advice to, let alone live in an example.

Now my newer friends in christ that I have been meeting have really started growing on me. But stopping while I am on my "godly un-godly" pit-stop I look back and see these friends. And realize, I have changed and so has my heart. I do not want to stay like that, yet I do not want to throw away a friendship. But I know that I want to get closer to God and being friends with them, is putting a strain on it. And one day I will have to make a hard choice, them or God. They will not like the answer, let alone my views if I were to tell them this.

Is it my newer heart to feel the wrong? Is it my new eyes to see the wrong? Is it my newing mind that understnads it is wrong?

Knowing that I see my path veering off from them and onto newer or redeeming roads...I am ok with that.

I don't know my role in life is leadership, but mayhaps one of support and loyalty. But to have friends and suport on the earth and greater in heavan, it's a warm feling throught the gunk of funk. Depressed and overwelmed? No but a working process. The friends are only the first.

My worldly desires are next and lessening as well. I want to let it go. I want to let myself go. For now I will continue to follow. His will is being done. The more I accept that the better I feel. And my favorite hymn or gospel song, I am closer to understanding the first lines. UNDERSTANDING.

Amazing GRACE. How sweet the sound that saved a WRETCH like me. I once was LOST but not am FOUND. Was BLIND but now I see. Twas GRACE that taught my heart to FEAR...

Grace

That's what is is about.

FOr many years just as my friends have as well, have heard about grace. Now it is yeah yeah yeah grace, I know that. But do we really know?

Do we really know that we are putting so much on relationships here and now that we forget the super relationship forever? Maybe we are, maybe we are not. But for me, the change is here. Was wandering not knowing where to go. I have been called by name. My vision is changing, now I am starting to see.

So this song has alwasy stuck with me. And now it's fitting in. New days are here. The old dies, and the new start. Just many a thought for one night. SLowly I say goodby to the friends of old, and start saying hello.

Disclaimer: No spellcekcer was used, sorry folks