Tom Branch - Roads of Faith

What a very long few days. I wished I had more tme to sit and figure a few things out, but alas I do not. In fact tomorrow and this week seem to be as busy in other means that is. And seems now things are into a deeper level of where to next. A series of crossroads yet again.

First reflections of the road trip, at least the trip part. 11 hours each way and I made it by myself which was a very long trip and 2-3 stops each way. So all in all not bad timing. I tried to listen to audio books but it did not work. I got bored or was thinking too much that the words went in one ear and out the other. That saddens me, but what could I do...I had to make the trip and stay alert. So I did alot of thinking and still am the same as I was when I left. I do not know what to make of it except for the prayers I said while driving, and the great time I made in going nearly 700 miles into unfamiliar lands.

WHile I was there the wedding was great. It was much fun. Saw several folks I know from Louisville so it made the whole thing blend in so much more. It was like being home away from home. In fact I was so out of me element it did not hit me I was not in Louisville. I was around new surroundings with a few familiar faces. That I loved. And the fact I got to see some pretty countryside where streetlights are not every five feet. And seeing the stars and almost looking up at God, was breathtaking. I want to do that again.

I think the preacher didn't like me or was scared who knows. Seems to be the conservative older gentleman type I guess. But it did not stop the joking with my friend. The family was great. I could tell it was a bunch of folks to get used to but there was a great bond of family there. That was also great. I could see where some folks would run off but the bottom line important factors they were strong on. Just a wee bit too open for my tastes.

I was in reserve neutral mode this weekend as much as I could be with a few slip ups. But I was not around a recharging group for my faith. In fact I missed so much this weekend from this road trip, church, company picnic, and open house for HOPE, and community group too. Oh and a class I started at Sojourn too. Geeze that is literally 4 days of events I missed becasue of it.

And I missed it all really. outside of the mushy thoughts and feelings from the wedding....im loosing it and becoming a softy eekk!! But I need a recharge. I pretty much went up there on reserve mode with a semi fuill charge of faith. But it depleted while I was there. I want to focus in on a few things but it looks like I will get that if I want it or not.

Accountability is getting tough, I think the issue at hand should be attacked or worked on from a deeper issue of self than as an external factor os the sin. So I will seek a third party that is a bit more wise in that particualr area and see where he thinks it should go. So working on one sin or the deeper root of the problem. I see where my accountability partner is coming from but we are both looking at the same battlefield from two differnt sides. I think he is scared mainly becasue this is new to him and he is not sure how he can help out in this area but thinks that is negating everything else. So we shall see where God leads me in battling the issues of lust or battling the issues of self-centered pride. If I spook him away then I spook him away. I am going to keep on keeping on anyways. So who knows where accountability will go from here. So from here it is meeting witht he third party and assess the issue and see where to go from there. But I have the chance of going back on my own route as far as psirtual development goes. And I am not ready to deal with that right now.

Then there is the job situation. I really hate working at nights. And I seem to still not be able to get another job. I am not getting back an answer from the other job with the photolab. And I am afraid to call asking about it. I have done that before and been rejected becasue of it. I am so tired of being fed a "possible" or near positive answer to then be told "no" so many times. I have not heard the officail answer yet but I fear the well most normal answer of no. I seem to be stuck where I am at and that is very frustrating. Am I not depending on God enough? What am I missing? The place is a pit and I get sucked into it so many times and I cannot get out of it. Even for a second job to make ends meet I cannot. I hope the roomate situation works itself out becasue at this point it is all I have left of being able to cut a few corners.

ANd then ther has been much on my mind in the arena of love and the like. But then I come down between the self of old vs the new self (aka the war I fight now daily) and can I love now or only after the transformation...at least a certain stage of the transformation as it may last the very last of my life. Then there is the circumstances at hand so I am trying to see if the feelings I have are genuine or are they meant to be or not. I am not sure. Has God put them there or am I making them out of my own accord or subconcious? I know I need to keep myself in check but I can;t deny there are some strong feelings there, but what I do with those feelings , well that seems to be another issue. Is it the wedding? I know some of it is becasue of that, who doesn't feel a mushy feeling or two at a wedding, but these feelings were already there and just seemed to ponder a few thoughts through this weekend.

And then one song I almost cried and that was when the newlyweds were dancing with thier mothers. It was the song "mama I love you" or something like that. But I thought about my own mother and wanted to cry. I still have alot to work through on that. I guess a part of me is scared she is back and terrified of being hurt again, but another part wants to forgive her and love her. Easier said that done I know. But I gonroed the song asn hid behind my camera and I was ok eventually.

So after 11 hours of thinking on sundays road trip alone.... I am still where I was, with a risk of slightly worse off with a good chance of change for the better. Job is the same as I am stuck there, dreams are a pain as so many of them fail, more sinful people are successful and I am trying as sin as I may I am lesser than they who do sin...I do not know what I can do for God.

I have liked it when I have helped out and done stuff for others. I hope that I can do that over at the shelter. So what does God want of me? What is my call? My role? My purpose? I am lost and seemingly getting more lost as there are mo streetlgiths and I don't always get help when I call for it. So I shall stay upon the path and hopefully there will be enough moonlight that I can see by.

So I guess it has been a slight emotional rollercoaster but more of a spiritual rollercoaster this weekend. This is what happens with only my thoguths running rampant alone in my head. Maybe I should rename this post I do not know. As that answer comes up so much lately.

I guess it gets hard to see others swimming along in chrsit while I am struggling and swimming back and forth. Hurts more when I see non-christians leading happy lives and have others in their lives. Feels more and more my journey crosses now and then witht he path of others, yet no path is the same or paralells mine.

I hate to be negative, but I think I am a sucessful failure or a failed sucess...the jury is still out on it. But above all I continually try developing my dependence on God and his sovereign grace. It at least helps me through it. I dont despair as I greatly did once upon a time ago. And it is another year come up here soon. It seems my year goes from October to October as that is when something new seems to start.

No spell checker tonight.

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