Well it was great being back at sermon after a two week hiatus. Before hand I had a deep conversation that got me thinking and then the sermon did the same. Yet afterwards I got some potential news I did not want to hear. Looks like the roomate situation may fold under....I do not know yet. If all else fails I can stay here I am fine. The down side is I still cannot afford to catch up debt, tithe, and there goes the accountability I was hoping for in living with others.

The depressing part is that if this falls under then I cannot afford to leave my current job unless and equal or higher position is found. So it comes down to my health on the line but have money and try to stay afloat. The variables remain.

One message today, even on top of the new possible facts.........yeah I might be overreacting but I am trying to be realistic based on life thus far.......the one common theme is how bad do I want this?

Really how bad?

Financial peace?
Freedom through Christ?
Death to old self?
Fulfilling the role God has palnned for me?


How bad do I want it? Do I really want it? Make a few sacrifices and make things happen? Enough to give up all control and put it in God's hands?

Is this why I suffer? To learn to become more dependant on him? TO learn and find ways to die to self and born unto him?

SO looking as if I needed a seconds voice on this rather than my own confused one, I called up my accountability/mentoring/discipleship partener and was able to get out for a nice walk around the seminary campus. That place is real nice lookin too. That and there is this recliner like bench, it's a stone slab in front of the bench which is made for slouching.....it was real cool.

Anyways after a nice walk in the cool mist and drizzle and a long talk I feel better and voiced these and other concerns. We did agree on one baby step to take and will hold each other in furhter accountability and discuss it each week.

It seems that living in faith and living in feelings is a war within itself. Not to mention the sermon on Repentance tonight was a whopper alone in itself.