So where are my thoughts right now? I am not sure. But I know that things are working in me that God has set in action.

I did like to see the baptism service today. It was so much more moving than the ones I have seen growing up. It was almost moving. Even now I just want to focus in on what God shared with me today. I know that I know not a family. I have a family yes but I really don't know about family.

It's hard to explain let alone think of. I recalled much more of it during sermon but now I have forgotten most of it. My family was broken in 1988. Well that is when it all came crashing down. In one of the lyrics it said something of a mother's faith and that's when I lost it. I mean as far as my peaceful inner thoughts that is. I never really knew of that.

In fact it was that road that I started down that has been long and dark. So many bad habits and sins started then and stuck with me for so long. This man I am, the one I have become is evil. Even though this same person was there to protect me and bring me into a better place it was without God. And then He stayed around and tried to live a duality.

Now I battle this man several months later after seeing him. Back in March this is what I saw. A mirror and two persons in it. Now after thinking that the man in front of the mirror would go away, I see that he is not. So revisiting this “Man in the mirror” I do not see the reflection of the man I am becoming any more clearly that I already have, yet I saw that man reflected in others today at sermon.

I saw while watching others and seeing Christ in them to know that I saw Christ in myself. To see the man God calls, is calling me to become. So all this time I may have been looking at myself for the contrast or reflection and yet I saw it elsewhere.

Do I know what this means? No, not at all. Breaking a leg is easier than breaking ones old self or will. I still pray for a broken heart, since mine is so evil and corrupted. My own heart's desires cause pain and harm and yet at times keep me from seeking God as I should. I pray for my heart to be shattered into pieces so small they would fit through the eye of a needle and blow away in the winds. Then needing a new heart, I pray that the heart god wants me to have, a christ-like heart to replace the one going away.

But seeing that the love of a mother is something I did without, and may for a long time after today and after that day, yet there is a greater love out there. I long for this love, yet I grasp and let it slip through my fingers very often. Understanding the love of Christ is a huge task. Yet in him I saw that it is attainable. In him I saw the man God is calling and has chosen. He has called us by name, it was no accident.

Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. (Isaiah 43:1 NIV)

I know that my view on women is most likely not up to par. Growing up without a woman in my life from childhood, I did not have a very good frame of reference. But not being able to look and interact with them as a sister in Christ, this is a new concept. To have brothers and sisters. I do have a brother but I feel I cannot reach him. I do have contact with my mother again, but I feel I am far from ever reaching her.

My parents so long ago were on a much different path, my father a preacher, and my mothers a preachers wife. That is so far from what life is now. My path was diverted many years ago. But now god asks me, why I turn away when he has chosen me. And I come up with no answer. But he is there, always has been, always will be. But knowing who I am becoming and who I am well it's like no clue whatsoever.

I referred to this as being dropped off in the desert and being told to go. But given no direction. No map but to go. So am I going in the right direction? I do not know. But I am thirsty. Sometimes I am parched I could fall into dust if I were to fall down, and other times I thirst but am not thirsty. But I have been given directions if I stop to think about it. God knows that I am in bond to myself, enslaved. And before I can break free and truly worship I need to face it. The man in the mirror may always be there, in fact I may be looking from the wrong side.

Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. (James 1:23-24 NIV)

It is God that shows us who we are. He shines light on the darkest parts of our soul. SO the fuzzy man I see in the mirror is where I may be. And walking back into the mirror every now and then I see that the man I am, the one I am slowly killing the bondage of, he is the one in the reflection, he is not the one looking into that mirror. That reflection will be there as that is who we are as man.

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life. (Psalms 139:23-24 NLT)

So stepping into God's side and following him can I then see this. This is where the power lays, lies, whichever. Follow him and to learn God is to learn ourselves, to learn ourselves is to learn God. God may not answer because he may have already answered.