Today was cool. Considering I was up super very early but all worked out nicely with work. I did manage to get alot done. My highlight was the going for books and coffee. I got to more of the books I was looking for. So now I am up to 3 1/2 books to read and pondering re-reading another. This does not count my daily (or lack thereof) bible readings. I try to be daily, but the deep readings happen every so often, but typically I do try reading every day if not very other day.

I am reading Come Thirsty by Max Lucado. So far it is not to bad, but it seems to easy that I can't comprehend it. Not as deep as I would like it to be. Then I have Startling Beauty by Heather Gemmen, its a biography of her rape and journey with God. Thirdly is Men and Women Equal yet different, bu Alexander Strouch, this is for the class I attend on Fridays for biblical manhood and womanhood. Then I have Gospel for real life by Jerry Bridges. Which is by an incredible author. I think that I can read that and discuss in accountability again.

I really do not watch that much of TV anymore. I do watch some, maybe 1-2 hours in a week which is not much. I do not know where my thoughts are right now. It's sorta everywhere. Monday was a rough day for me sin wise. But I read one part of a book that was so very convicting it was a slap in the face. With a sting. So needless to say it lead to some serious prayer and I felt better since then. But still some heavy unrelated questions remain.

Just seeking the truth and having the faith in following...I sometimes wonder if there is more than what I know of. Hell scares me when the thought comes up, thats a long time to be wrong. I so want the deeper truth now so that eternity does not burn. It scares me at times knowing if I got it right or not. I cannot get this thought out of my head. But I cannot fathom it and my brain shuts down on this thought or series of thoughts stemming from this.

Where I am at now, I keep on keeping on until then and continue to seek this truth. But at times I fear that my heart may be too far corrupted by the wold already. But that is part of the walk. I know that things from here are about to get more brutally honest and truthful and understanding and seeking the Gospel, and learning to deny myself for the kingdom that lies ahead.

For now I will continue seeking and understanding, I do not want to understand for knowledge's sake, rather I want to learn so that I may understand and apply to my life. I stll do not know my role in life. I guess now it is. During the next few months I can only imagine what life may bring. It is scary and exciting time.