I went into sermon yesterday finally at a place where I thought I could view my current faith status. And then the message hit upon those points. Actually the songs were much closer to home than the sermon.

Where I was is that I looked upon the person and the life I was encouraged to have. From a career, family, and God. It was like a huge mountain as so much more has been brought to me as things to work on in my life that is preventing it all. In fact it was a huge mountain.

This mountain will require much change. In my heart I do want a family. I do want to learn what intimacy is in my relationships. I am starting to see that I do have an identity as I am seeing how others communicate back towards me.

I want to break the cycle of pain that I have suffered since childhood from my parents divorce. I grew up just terribly. My father was there for me and my brother but that was food on the table and a roof over or heads. Anything else I had to find elsewhere. And then my mother not even in the picture, well that hurt just the more.

Seeing my pain and suffering over the years I keep seeing glimpses of a better life. Not a perfect life but better. Where as I become more of a godly man and eventually husband and father. I want to break the cycle and lead my children to God. Bring them up young in Christ. Give them the chance that I did not have. And to become that husband and father, a parent that I never got to see in my life.

The man that is on the mountain is strong as I am finding out I am weaker that I ever imagined. The man there still has his days but his days are not without God. He not only lives a life that others can see as Godly, but also tells others of God. He has learned to love and to serve genuinely from his heart.

Sitting somewhere near the foot of this mountain it is as if there is an angel there blocking my way. I asked him Why can't I go furhter up? Why can't I go paast you towards the goal? The angel replied "It is not I who is keeping you from crossing. I am not sayong you cannot go furhter. I am saying that you won't go any furhter as you are living contrary to the goal."

I am not being blocked from this change. I am being told that becasue of the many sinful choices that I make are in fact taking me backwards from this person. This is in fact what I am being told.

This is overwelming and such a condemnation it feels at times. It just seems such a long ways to go. But then that is the message I have been getting in several places is to take time and keep working through it day by day.

Ye yesterday early in the sermon I came to a point where there cannot be condemnation without salvation. You can't have the chicken w/o the egg now can you? Here on the one side are all the changes or ways to become and if I not I may risk the chance of hell. Yet on the otherside I see that there is a way to achevie that which is through christ. But that walk is much more tha living christian, as was said in sermon yesterday as well. But it is LIVING christian.

So where am I at on this? I know there are a few major areas I need some work on. I did get one area of that started on. I hope to hear back formt hem by weeks end. That is one area. I should not get discouraged yet take things one day at a time. Which is what I shall do.

I know that when I see these snapshots or glimpses of who I am becoming, it is confroting to see and then when I realize I am slowly becoming that new man.