AS a child the story of Samson was pretty much a guy who got a hair cut not of his will and then smashed a bunch of pillars and killed some bad folks. That was the story.

Now after reading I see that is not the case. He is a normal guy. In fact he has some issues. A practical joker that was too sarcastic, lustful as he could not say no to the ladies, an angry guy and a few more flaws. But he was still used in God's will.

So tonight during fellowship the comment was made "God uses effed up people" (yes the word uses was effed I am not censoring the F word) and my reply was yeah and I am on the list.

Just knowing that imperfections are still used for God and his will. Tonight's sermon was good. It did help me to get a few things in perspective. At least I felt better about a few things. I know that my struggles as of late are due to me not seeking God. I am not running from him yet nor am I running to him either.

The other day one of my roommates started watching the 10th anniversary edition of Clerks. Now back in the day I could watch it a dozen times and think nothing of it. Now I watch it and I was offended and could not stand more than 10 minutes of the movie. The language was horrible. Now it was great dialogue between the characters that I will admit. Yet is not something that I wanted to hear.

One of the main character's had a total lack of manhood about him. Three years ago I would not have seen it. Today I see that he does. My sensitivity is growing back. I guess I was away longer than I thought and got de-sensitizes to more than I thought.

I feel good right now and want to serve somehow. Maybe I will go and pray for some folks.

Tonight one point that got me in sermon was that God has started works in me. I can see that and right now feel that. Even when I turned from him or did not seek him he was still there and never left. Even taking a scientific or atheistic view I can see he never left. As if there is a higher power, with or without a persona (God), that no matter what I did the higher power or being was always there no matter what.

So the next time I feel God is not there I hope to remember this fact. That if he really wasn't there I would not exist nor would the universe.

Now let's dance the night away. I'm serious. It seems I hit something with the last post. Dancing really does parallel life and how we relate to one another. I tried to look into dancing before and it just did not work out. I was scared and nervous and still am a wee tad, yet I am not scared of it. I still want it. In fact whenever I hear goody two shoes, Mambo number five, or any jazz for the most part I get moving...You will see me at work boppin to the music. That is a funny site to see and one day someone will see me and laughs will be had all around.

Now that I have seen there is more to dance than just the moves. It is a change. Even the essence of your very manhood is called into action. Well I let the idea slip for a while as I need to get finances taken care of. And I see that with some help and a bit of tweakage I can do it. I can afford it. At least on the dance floor.

But internally God has already started the dance lessons in my heart. I am starting to see it when I am not busy blocking the view of reality with my own deeds and self. Maybe I can start a dance ministry at church one day. Not just dancing but biblically applying it all and learning how to relate to one another.

Well can only go one day at a time. And one issue at a time. To learn intimacy I must learn to become intimate first.

For many years that word was so dirty it was so often associated with xxx and porn and the like. Now I see it is deeper than that I have been duped for so many years and missed out on this wonderful word.

With intimacy in Christ you find identity in Christ. I am seeing identity and know I need that intimacy first.


***Update....For some odd reason I was wanting to serve some way or another after service. So since I had roomates while they were gone i cleaned the place up, vac, dusted, dishes, sweep, kitchen....still debating on the mop job. Sometimes you don't have to go anywhere in order to serve.