Tonight was a rollercoaster within itself. I woke and did my normal stuff. One of my roomates came home and I played the ignore each other game for a while and I did my normal stuff and then went into church.

I was hoping for a great sermon but I got a lesson by other means. Tongiht was a baby dedication service and a baptism. It was great. But I was still out of place. I was verry dragged down. It hurts knowing I have this much bitterness and anger towards my roomates who are christian.

As the night went on things seemingly got worse. I went to talk to someone to meet up later so I could process through some of this. Well before my questions he had answers and was set on the answers. It hurt. I was needing someone to listen for a sec, nothing too deep but to listen none the less. But instead I got answers and not a sound of my question.

This was my breaking point. I was ready to come home and get very drunk enough to take the edge off and remove a few worries if even for a temporary time. I planned to go to an ATM and then get soem food before I went home. I was close to home when I got a phone call from a friend who helped. He talked me out of that desire. Well reduced the desire by 90 percent.

I made it to the ATM and then to a great mexican joint. I guess it is comfort food as that is how I used it tongiht. Instead of alcahol I got nice n full. It was so good. That is beside the point...actually I need to not use food like that either, but health is another toipic for another time. After I finished I got a call from one of the church elders I spoke with on my way out from servises.

He commented that I looked like I was downed for the day. I commented yeah I don't know which is worse the fact I am am down or wanting to go home and get very drunk. Then I got in my car and left.

He was concerned enough to call me after he got home. I told him I no longer had the desire. He told me that on the roomate problems he knows how it can drain you and it reminded him of a verse in Proverbs.

There was no deep sermon tongiht, but there were several people that were there for me. After that phone call I went home and then there was the same roomate from earlier playing the ignore each other game, so I went into my room and read proverbs until I found that verse. There were many good verses. I skimmed through most of them but a few really stood out for me.

Then I called the one who offended me earlier in the evening, the one with the answers, and we managed to have a great conversation. It did help put a few things into perspective. I let him know it offeneded me and such and we were able to work through it.

That's all surface but is onlly the start of things. The matters of the heart are much deeper than that and where the journey goes from here. Talk about a struggle. This pop quiz, so to speak, is much larger than I first thought it was.

Even in here sorting my thoughts the other roomate came home and the course of the night changed yet again. I hate having the hatred and anger I had inside for either of them. It really isn't me in any way.

Well there came to be some free time as I went back to my room and took back to scripture. I invted one of the roomates in my room and we talked things through. We saw there were two paths the surface and the heart. WE forgave each other and are back to where we were. But we saw that there were still issues between I and the other roomate that needs reconciliation as well.

So now that I was outside myself (as opposed to inside and prideful) I took the first steps and appoligized asn asked his forgiveness as well. This is the first I think I have ever specifically asked for forgiveness was with both roomates. I have appolgized but never took the extra step and asked for forgiveness.

Last night one of the thoguths that came up was that even in marriage...that was all I needed to ehar. How to resolve conflicts and work thigns out. Liek this case it was not a major disagreement but the potnetial loss of two friends and anger building up and hearts hardeneding against two brothers in christ. But even in marriage there has to be two way communication. And after thigns worked out I saw that I was the one to make that first step in taking the new communication.

I pray it works out but god's will be done, but I know that I have taken the first steps and that is comforting to me. THere may be secondary issues come up after all this is resolved or not, but that is another bridge for another time.

I read nearly all the proverbs last night. That was a great help. There were some in there that hit home too closely. And some to come back to later. But in seeing all of this I know I needed support, wisdom, guidance, and opportunity and God provided them all. It was unplanned so it was not me coming up with the words when talking, so they must have been from God. I just acted upon what was on my heart and not put thought into it.

So even to the words God placed them there for me. He provided me last night with people that cared and were concerned for me. People are picking up on me now. So I guess there is no more hiding from folks anymore haha.

This is not done by any means and may be a part of a larger process. That's ok. One day at a time. It did show me several things in myself that I have not liked at all. One day I will look back on this much like the footprints prayer and see there are patches like this that are not in the sand but in the mud. And still there are only one set of footprints.

Why does healing hurt and take so long? What a great part of the journey!