...I have been reading the book of Genesis a lot and Just got done reading about Jacob and Esau. Talk about a weird series of events. Jacob robbed Esau of his birth rights and pretty much did him wrong all the way around. But he got his. His Uncle duped him into working for him for so long.

In fact he worked seven years to marry Racheal, and the gave him his other daughter leah. SO jacob worked another seven years to have Racheal. And then even another six years after that in order to gain sheep and such. So here it is 20 years later he has two wives, several servents both male and female, not to mention flocks of several animals. He had enough he could split his camp into two. I didn't even mention how many children this guy had between his wives and servants. Child protection would love to speak with him if it were in this day and age.

Well after 20 years he wants to return to his homeland and sends out for his brother Esau. But Esau returns the message with a great army to meet him. But when they meet Esau is greatly happy to see him again and amazed at his wealth and family they made up. It was that great love and bond that resettled everything.

I don't know what Esau was thinking because as being human I personally would have still had some anger over what he had done to me. But then again time does heal wounds. This is true. But also it can be a crock pot brewing into something very potent as well.

Now for my spin on this story is forgiving my mother. Over time and the closer I draw to God I am wanting to forgive her more. But I know that I cannot, do not want to get close to her again. I do not want to be hurt. And as a precaution I do not want her to have ANYTHING to do with my family. When I marry and have kids she will have nothing to do in their lives. She will not be a grandmother to my children as she was not a mother to her own children.

Is this right? I don't know. I know she is my mother and we are commanded to love and respect but what about if she chose not to be a mother, then does this relieve her? Yes she brought me into this world but you don't walk away or put in your two weeks notice. We have to forgive yes, but we don't have to trust them ever again.

All I really ever wanted was a Mother in my life, and all she ever wanted was to lie and get us to love her more than my father. Sorta like jacob and esau, apparently Jacob wanted his fathers love so much that he took what was owed his brother.

My mother does not know the man her son has come to be. She does not know that I see thru her deception and care not for it anymore. I will have harsh and bold words for her this is true, when I ever see her again.

How can I ever heal and get closure if I cannot get to a point of forgiveness? I have a feeling that just like my last girlfriend has settled herself for much less happier surroundings. Trailer trash. So a part of me wants to feel sorry for her. And another wants to rejoice that through the hell she put me through and hurtful things she said I have risen above it and through even my not so happy times I am above that and have moved on...but that may be to prideful of a thought. But this is how I feel.

SO maybe I can learn something from Esau. I want to come up to her with an army fueled my rage and anger, but I want to love her just enough....but I don't want to let her in again. However she can visit me on the porch...so to speak.

One day I shall embrace my "Sweet hell Alabama"