...outside of church that is. I wake up now drained on Sundays and am pretty crappy at church, I have just enouhg time to wake up, shower, maybe eat, then go to church and straight to work. I hate sundays, outside of church. But becasue of feeling drained the sermons do not reach me like they could.

I hate holidays. I was told Happy Easter so many times today I was sick. Why must everyone force happiness on others during holidays when the holidays are not nice to some people? Its always a time for friends and family and for me its either work or being alone. So needless to say Holidays bum me out. I hate them. I hope that in Heaven there are no holidays, well a lifelong one that's ok, but to have this forced upon me.....I loathe it.

So today I was once again upset, tired, and hungry and the sermon didn't help as much as it could have. It's not anyone's fault. It is how my sundays are now. I hate that. In fact I got the sign it was time to leave. I left right at communion. It seems God really was watching me. As I could not really feel the spirit or get into the celebration.......people were screaming and extra happy "He is risen" and I could not change my mood at all.

But in communion after I dipped the bread in the wine I dropped it on the floor.....this was my sign not to be there so I left, went to taco bell, and went into work. Got a small head start and watched the rest of the game. I was very out of place today. I hate feeling that drained before church. I cant find another job so I am stuck with this one putting myself through so much mentally and physically.

Anyways after I ate I started feeling better. But still the damage was done. My group was to serve hospitality today but I left. I dod nto know until I got there and was so unprepared. I was not in a team mood, I just wanted to run away from it all and I did eventually. During service the songs for like 98% of the time I stood there like a rock uneffected.

So in a nutshell, I was out of it, could not get into the celebration, god knew it, made sure I did not partake in communion, and so I left and went into work.

I have my days, some better than others. But mostly, I suffer and am trying hard to get out of it. It's draining my soul. I hate not being able to listen to my body because I must work. I hate being mean becasue of it. And when people call me mean I give them what they want. Especially when it's the same cutsie behavior I have seen so many times. I grow tired of being used just as a friend and nothing more. I would love to slap those people that do that to me. No one at church does that. This weekend was soo great until work.

I had fun friday helping some folks form sojourn move. I had fun helping with the Jeff St. center and getting the place ready and cleaned up. That I felt good. Then saturday got here and it all went away. I am getting back to ok now. I still hate sundays (drained after work), and holidays (because happiness is rubbed in my face when everyone has and I do without)

Yes I am angry but don't I have the right to be? This is my journey, and this is where I am at, an all to familiar street I want to get away from. But so far I am not doing so well.