I am loosing control very badly. My focus is not formed. Despair and frustration is leading into deep anger which hurts. I can't do this alone. Work is killing me. I am afraid to have my blood pressure taken right now. I hate hating my job and feeling I am being punished and suffer for nothing. Or suffer for someone else who throws a banana and I am supposed to dance like a mindless monkey.

Despair and frustration is forming into deep anger that is hurting me. I am hurting alot right now. I am very angry and tired of feeling trapped and alone. God has me here for what I hear is a reason, but I do not see it. Who did I upset and why am I being punished for no reason? I hate my job with a passion now. I cannot invest in others, group, service or even myself because of my crazy work schedule and no one understands that. It physically hurts and no one is there.

I had a shouting match with God yesterday. I think it may have been my first one. I hurt. I feel he is calling me unto others and yet my life circumstances block it in every way. I am angry, hurt, frustrated, alone, yet not wanting to give up completely.

I give up on asking anyone to help me with my health. The world wants to be fat and die. No one wants to help or take me serious when I ask for help in that area.

When I am asked if I can meet anyone for Sunday morning, or Friday evening, no one realizes how much that hurts me. Its a stab to my heart they ask that. because I can't. My insomnia is back, big time and I am sure that my blood pressure is very high once again. I have not felt this bad in years.

I pray that god either deliver me form this or give me the reason for this suffering before I give in to something and do something regrettable like I did yesterday. Where even the after battle with my conscience I sided with my sinful side because I felt it was the right thing for me.

This is not me. But yesterday it was. I was in pure defiance and now someone else did not get their jacket they ordered because someone ordered me the wrong size. And I dream often times of my last day at work where I tell off my 4 different bosses for how stupid they are when it comes to treating employees and the website.

Anger is winning in my life. And I am starting to give up on hope as hoping...I only get hurt. Like hoping someone reads this and prays for me or gives me words of encouragement....nah my readership is nearly gone. I needed to get this out somewhere. Maybe I will be heard, maybe not.

Labels: Evil Tom, OTJ