looks like one of the random silences have hit this blog again. I post alot then it dies. ALl is well, I am still alive and all that fun stuff.

I have really been in some battles physicallty and spiritually. I have been sick with one thing or another and I can't see a Dr. until next year so I have to bear with being ill until then.

Spiritually I was working though the How People Change book and did one of the excersizes and it hit me hard. Seeing what were idols in my life and such. My faith was on hold. My idols, well they had fun. I was in a low place. I did not see anyway out.

But the next section is about bringing it to the cross. And now I am lookinging into what that looks like? So far it is coming broke. And that is nearly impossible to do. But I know that IU have to if I am ever going to heal from them, if I am ever going to give myself unto God I need to give up self first.

And honestly I do not want to. See the dilema? Its everything, kinda like being called into a 180 in life.

When faced with the reality of things, it seems larger than life. Oh somuch larger than I would have ever imagined.

Yet I lost focus of joy, I lost what I was seeking. And thus I lost battles in my faith in my just living. But I am slowly gaining it back.

In fact I see and feel change in me. For one I shaved my beard and an keeping it trimmed, makes me look nicer n stuff. But tongiht I had alot of fun playing with some kids to get some photos. In community group a few weeks ago one of the couples had thier kids there. SO I was playing with them having fun. Oe of them, I think not even two said "mommy I like him he's cool!" I almost cried right there. That was teh sweetest thing I have ever heard anyone say about me. Talk about an innocent heart, man that was great.

Then watchign the Nativity Story, I got emotional several times in the movie, I was watering up really bad. But something kcked in and I wasable to not break down. I should have. But I commented Iwould bootleg it and watch it alone in my room and bal my eyes out. Just the birth scene was very over the top. Seeing these relationships like this is taking me over. Even beyond mushy.

My heart has been changed. This is why my struggles of late have been very difficult. I want to seek others, find a wife, grow deeper and intimate with Christ and God, yet Isee that when I give in or let my desires or even emotions overwelm me, that I am only serving myself and no one else. I want to grow into that intimacy with others, yet I block it.

The cross calls for death to self, to carry ones cross cannot be done alone, and this is at war in mty heart on several aspects. Yet this is a war I want to lose. In fact tongiht in sermon there was one thing that scared me. Sacres me. Me very friggin scared. According to C.S. Lewis one day it will come down to two kinds of people. Those who say "Lord thy will be done" and those who the Lord says "Thy will be done" Please I do not want to be on the latter. I do not want my will to be done.

So in this corner is the cross and the challenger is me. The cross before me and my sins surrounding me, yet one small force is already inside working changes. Just a few small tweaks can change the entire outcome of a program. As it is doing in me and it is not me changing but being changed.