I really want to cry.

In fact I should.

In matters of sin, we all should when we look into a mirror. Self. Me, myself, I, moi...that's what it's all about right?

One thing I have been very convicted of is me. My sense of self. To be honest it is driving me crazy. Saddens me. Self covers nearly every aspect of sin in my life and what I can assume everyone else's to one extent or another. I have nothing to offer God. I don't. I do not seek him when I should. I think of what I want to be when I grow up, what new toy do I want, eat what tastes yummy, watch or perform for entertainment...anything to serve myself and enjoy myself without the care for others.

In fact, I cal myself into question. Why should anyone hire me? I dunno because I will surf alot, keep my mind occupied by other means, slack off on time, take shortcuts around things, not care if a good job was done or not and not care about the team if it conflicts with what I want to do. Wanna hire me?

Then in relationships, let's start with general friendships. Would you be my neighbor? Well to quote Mr. Rogers that is, in today's terms friend. Why would you want to be friends with someone who wants you to like them and be on the same page? Who would not like you or get angry when you disagree because I am right and you should listen to me since I am your friend? Why would you want to be a friend to one who gives you the answers and does not listen?

In regards to a serious relationship with a woman? Yes ladies why do you want a guy who knows what he wants and does not want to work for what you want?

In asked to give, why do you want me to give graciously or for any reason? When I will spend money on what I want when I want it because everything has a reason? Yet complain that money is not being spent well in other areas?

I could go on for a long time. In fact I most likely should. But I am such a sinner. It hurts me to know I am this evil. How can anyone call me a friend? Even my own leadership status in church I am wanting to call into question. I know I am a sinner and fail. Yet I see how much of this aspect of self how can I love and serve and still be called a friend, leader, or even one day a husband or yet even a brother in christ?

I seek a greater level of intimacy. I seek it now greater than I ever have before and yet when I indulge selfishly it hurts after the party is over I guess you could say.

Yes ther are vary valid points and concerns in wanting to better myself in seeking God, yet my prayers are so much on me. How can I...? What am I...? What would you have me do lord...?

At what point do I stop thinking for myself and seek in progressing the kingdom? Be it leadership or evangelism, loving and caring for others. What do I do to others believer or non-believer alike? So far I do not do much. I take care of me so much more. Yes it is some serious internal development, but when do I express that same love, grace, and knowledge unto others?

In my greatest intimate relationship I ask and take so much. But I do not give back graciously or without thought. In our hearts to give without thought should just overflow from us. Within reason of course....no wait we are not called not hold back. Even with our own life. Yet we claim it as our own and protect it above all else.

I want to love in a greater sense than I have never loved or been loved before. And this I have and it grows so much deeper every day. Yet not enough for me to jump off and swim in the mud because I like it. I not only sin. Many sins we are not convicted of or do not know we win. But many I know and those are the one in which I swim. I directly sin against. I want to do what feels good to me and not give up anything for another. Not even God.

Now in mirror to my relationship to god what will a marriage look like? I do not want to see it. Tears well up in me right now just thinking about it. I am not loving. I just do not want to give up so many aspects of self. I want to love yes but the cost is killing self. We are called to deny self yes very much so.

How many more bricks can I add to the wall keeping me from true intimacy? This same wall is linked to so many sins. I do not want to let it go.

It is all by grace. I do not deserve any of it. I know without it I am condemned. Yet as a change of heart is needed. God has started a great work in me this is true. This has been seen by many.

In my heart I see that I am not willing to change in order to become....
...healthy
...financially stable
...a godly husband
...a leader
...an employee of integrity
...an avid follower of christ (in all his ways not just the ones I pick and choose around my sins)

I have my days. We all do. But we are called into something greater. And sometimes the sins scream at you after you ignore them after so long of ignoring or pretending they do not exist. Then the mountain seems so great. We then get discouraged and do not see God's grace and strength.

Ok on the intimate level with the creator, or anyone. Ok how do we offer thanks to the one who sent his son to earth to die and be punished for everyone else who deserve it? We live our lives pleasing ourselves and not loving others. We cling to ourselves and not use a great example of self-less giving.

Does this make us, in my case me, a pharisee or a hypocrite? Or both?

To those friends I do have that God has put in my life I thank each and everyone one of them. It takes a lot to love this sinner I know. But thanking God I cannot express and yet I do not express it. In fact I still retalliate aginst him by not following his commandments. Even his two simplest and greatest commandments.

Love the lord with all your heart, and love your neighbors as you love yourself.

That's nice I do not love god with all my heart, I love me too. And then my neighbors I do not love like me. That takes away form me being loved.

***update***
Not able to let this subject go, I did much furhter reading and stuff. I came to a place that made this all not seem to overburdening. In foresight Iforgot to see God at work. Taking thigns one day at a time letting God work through me. Even thoguth I don't have the answers I was seeking, the answer is once again God is at work and is caling me into something greater, I only need just follow.