Last night I got to talk to my mother for about two hours. Yikes there goes more cell phone charges. But it is worth it as I got some answers out of her. I have asked both parents now what happened. The story started off as my father was going to be a preacher and my mother a preachers wife. Something went horribly wrong as that did not last very long.

Both had a very different answer. Both were vague enough that I can see they are both to blame and I know that many details have been left out. And I am fine with that. After our conversation last night I have gathered enough information to see a bit more of the bigger picture. I see now that even through my darkest I was spared from crossing over that line into the same sins. Even now I see that things are different.

In a nutshell anger ruled my family. Both my parents were angry at and with each other. And that anger spread to me and my brother. Life was not easy. And then things only got worse. the sins of the father do not have to be the sins of the son. In fact it may be that the son is the way of ending the cycle of sins of the father.

Both parents have apologized that they were not the best. They are sorry that things were not better. This does mean alot to me. To finally hear that after all these years. I see now that God was protecting me through it all. In fact I think it is so defiantly in the stars for me to be baptist. As even the church my mother took us to against our will was a small country church, once again baptist. It is crazy how this keeps sneaking into my life. But I still say dancing is ok!

On this broken road I can look back and see my parents towards one another. This explains why my views on relationships are messed up...were messed up. God has showed me there is something far more greater in him and through him than I ever saw on my parents good days. I saw how bad things were for me to now experience how GREAT they can be beyond my wildest dreams.

Anger rules my family, but it is at war within me now. It's loosing too. Not by my own power, but that from Christ. It still peaks it's ugly head out now n then. But it has shifted in power. It now hurts me in my heart to anger. It's ok to feel it but not harbor it. Be angry yes its ok, if you work through it. But let it go unchecked, that is bad and now it hurts. It never has before.

The best part of this, is the healing. To know that there is love out there so great that anger cannot penetrate it. This is not in relationships, friendships, marriage, it is firstly with God. And that love will trickle down back unto all the else.

Much has been learned that is just bad. But In the process of sanctification is a process of being broken and molded. My parents had it wrong and therefore my brother and I suffered. Seeing this contrast helps me see how much greater love really is. Love of God and from God and for God. That I seek and follow him it will take away the pain of old.

I feel more confident now more than ever that I will mess up in a family. But knowing that I seek God and bring him into the family first most, that he will not mess up and lead me, guide me, mold me into the head of a family worthy of him. The sins of my parents are not mine. They were without God. Now I know that I can be imperfect and seek him still.

As always God has taken many steps towards me. And now he calls me to take some serious steps back. But that is a different story for another time...maybe soon?