I am turning into Pharisee. My legalism is growing. I seem to rather bask in the knowledge or feel good about a spiritual event rather than push forward further towards Christ. I will feel in Gd one minute and then back in the World seconds later. And all around me I can see some of my friends and God working through them and hearing their struggles.

One friend told me of his reading of Future Grace by John Piper. I have heard get get all excited and passionate in conversations about apple computers, as do I. Yet I have never heard him as excited to talk about the book. I have never heard him more passionate.

A newer friend asked for prayer for his purity on an upcoming road trip back home. I barely know this guy. That takes much trust and strength to ask for that so early. That was really cool to see. That has got to be God at work.

There are many friends that struggle with various sins. And various events in life. And yet this does not encourage me as it should. I still fall back into the world.

I will get that revelation or come to an understanding in a particular sin in my life and feel the light yet I stop there. I do not keep going back. Here is the kicker of what hurts so much.

The least I do unto man is the most I do unto God. And what I do unto God is what I do unto man. I know that we are fallen yet we rally do have a hard time in relationships. Getting over self is such a huge task. Even as Christ calls us into self denial, it is so very difficult. I mean even looking at the bigger picture there are many more out there starving, homeless, sick, elderly, widows, orphans and so much more. Yet we all want that new Xbox.

In relationships, we often focus in on ourselves. We do not focus in on others as much. I know that we will always focus in ourselves to one degree or another, just physical needs, like drinking or going to the bathroom.

There are 7 deadly sins. Yet I truly see only one. The rest are a bonus. Pride, they all are rooted in pride.

I have gotten in touch with many of my old community group. It has been good to hear their stories and struggles. It gave me something to pray for them on. And then I get word this Thanksgiving I will not spend it alone. NOT........ahhhh finally. There will be a few folks here gathering. I can't wait. Solo holidays suck. That's most likely why I hate most of them and get bah humbugish.

Anyways the voice is getting louder to deny myself. And The more ways do I find to not deny and give in. In sermon last I am turning into Pharisee. My legalism is growing. I seem to rather bask in the knowledge or feel good about a spiritual event rather than push forward further towards Christ. I will feel in Gd one minute and then back in the World seconds later. And all around me I can see some of my friends and God working through them and hearing their struggles.

Actually thign are kinda rough right now. There are more question marks than there are periods. ANd it is drianing me. Mainly because they revolve around others. So I may not get the answer until it's too late. It's hard to have faith with so many thigns in all honesty for me lately.

ALso in sermon it was said its not about being in control but under God's control. I guess i blew that one too. When I think about it, I really do want control over everything in my life. I do not seek God as much as I should I know. Even when I struggle witht he lack of control with things in life, I do not seek him often enough.

I am slipping back into a worldly sorrow. But as firend pointed out the closer I draw to GOd the more sins I see...so this within itself could be a misplaced blessing. Actually I think I will run with that.

To be honest right now I am happy but sad with things. Happy of the new found relationships and revelations, yet saddened by the ever prevailant sins of self that are mounting and my lack of putting others first. Coming back to self and not staying with God.

Things are not peaches n fun right now.