Groggily I wake up even though I did have two nights where I got off work at an ok time. Not the best time, but still a good time. As any later would have been bad. Last night I went in early and wanted to blog then but alas work got me and I lost the thoughts.

Now reflecting upon my sins, even there it sounds selfish I am calling them mine. See there I go again hahah. I love making even myself laugh.

Life for me was not a fairy tale. Many hells came about it and changed everything for me. I have weathered my parents divorce, a very hateful and unforgiving east Nashville school (poor side of town), and because of both pretty much my entire teen years, and then a college run like a high school. Now through all of this I have had one constant factor in my life....me. There were so many times I was the only one bringing comfort to a very tense life.

Me and my brother grew up with only our father to raise us. Our grandparents helped whenever they could. But he was across the state. My dad was no where near perfect bar far. We did make it through it all and now are doing well, but I know there for years it was pretty rocky. He was hurting too. And we all were hurting so we were not sure how to handle. Yet for me this is where my darkest started to build.

While I have been in the biblical manhood and womanhood class which is going to wrap up next week...I wished it would last there is so much there...I have learned so much especially the role of a mother. Or a woman to be a completer, a healer, encourager all the good stuff. And yet that is what I lacked my whole life. I have very little frame of reference for a positive woman.

Now at sojourn I see that differently. I see woman as very beautiful and I am not talking outer appearances. I watch how they interact with others. Most do not interact with me as they are typically busy and sometimes I wonder if I give off some funky radar that keeps them away? Anyways I watch them and I can see that they are so beautiful inside. I hear how they love their husbands, I hear just how they interact and genuinely care.

I then contrast them to other women, and even my own mother. And this drives me crazy. It drives me to change, to grow, to mature and for their sakes just as much as mine. This sacred beauty must be protected as it is getting seemingly harder to find.

Yet when I do interact and observe I come back to my fight for sexual purity and battles over lust and it irks me to no end. That there are women out there that are beautiful inside and are more than a body. It does drive change. Yet it is hard to find more women like this yet society is raising them differently. It is taking away womanhood and bringing on whoredom in both men and women.

So I am really starting to take notice of some serious positive female role models especially in the christian realm that is helping me change a few thoughts. Now the lack of positive woman in my life for so long and seeing my parents divorce so how a preacher and preachers wife fall all to hell and how relationships fail and how NOT to do it...I stood for so many years hurt and confused.

Now before I looked at my battles over lust as just stupid, something I just need to stop and something physical yadda yadda yadda. I was talking with a friend and he told me that hurt from a parent can lead to addictive behaviors. That seed was planted that day and it did grow. The thought ran through my head for a while as I wanted to understand that more. I reflected upon the hurt of a mother, how it has to be one of the greatest pains to ever feel, has led to some very dark habits in my own head. And I have been made known that the road I have been on for so many years is not a solo road.

One lesson I am still trying to learn is the alone factor. To journey down almost any road requires community and bringing others in. Now every now and then there comes a time to go solo. In fact didn't Jesus go off into the desert by himself for some time? And was tempted by the devil? Yet after that he had his disciples with him all the time pretty much from what I understand of it.

So what does this mean for me? That my single mindedness has got to come to an end and I need to tear down some walls and start walking a different path. But more on that later.