Tom Branch - Roads of Faith

Insomnia has been coming and going again. I can't believe it's back this bad and that I have no control over it. This hurts me in so many ways. But I do manage to get to sleep and then thigns tend to work out. Now really what is on my heart and mind?

Even though I made other plans I cannot have Friday off. I hate not having a choice when it comes time for me to ask for a life. Or something semi-social, or just something different.

I might be a pessamist, which is bad, that's funny. No really everytime things don't seem to click I get a feeling and find out I am rarely ever wrong. Like I am about it to move and blah nevermind. I'll just be real sorta. Nothing news yet.

I feel something is still amiss and I can't quite figure it out. Or let go and let it in God's hands. I might be co-dependant I don't know. Its something I have been oberving. Who knows.

I know that I am trying to deal with life happening everywhere else but here. I can't make plans as life gets to busy for friends so I get plenty of time alone to do things. I get bored very easily and loose focus on pretty much anything. I hate being alone and I am not talking about in a relationship, I mean everything I do. Outside of group and sundays...that's all I have pretty much. Plans fail so many times. It is hard to fight the fight when there is no one around to fight with.

Especially in my spiritual life.

Oh yeah those who love my spelling and grammer....its obvious I am getting worse, but just stop. If you know what I am saying then mission accomplished. There are more ways than the english rule book to express and communicate. Stop acting like I am lesser than thou. I can spell very well actually, yet typing is another thing. I do not see the mistakes half the time. I wished the folks at work would get that, but it's a perfection based job so it's not allowed.

In fact at work I have gotten angry lately. The religion bashing is getting too much for me. I want to scream out shut up and stop bashing my God like that I do not want to hear you you foul evil men. Or even please I would rather not hear it as my words come back to eat me. They are thrown right back at me. I wished that I would know if I were to speak up that no matter the outcome that God's will would be done and maybe a seed be planted in thier lives. All I know is that it comes back to make me the evil one. But it is getting on my nerves so bad. Thankfully for my lil Ipod, I can try tuning them out at the cost of my eardrums. At least I have some type of God with me in the day.

I know there seems to be some light at the end of the tunnel yet it is still hard to live for God when all I have is myself. There is no intimacy that I once had with others and walking my walk, well seems isolated. It would be nice to be around other christians more than four hours a week. Even reading the word I want more. I want to be comforted and yet I don't always get that.

This is the path that God has laid out for me. Yet I wished at times God would come down and give me a hug. Or a sign, and email, even a memo just to let me know things are ok or that I am getting there, on the right path, next rest area 20 miles....something. I feel that God hears me, but I don't know if I can hear God or if God is even speaking back to me...at least conventionaly.

Maybe I am wrong and should ask God to help me see, and put me in the path, or maybe I should say thank you and shut up. It pains me often times that life has gotten so busy for others that I am not able to share life with anyone, and spend so much time with my enemy, myself. I can't seem to run away nor connect. Not disconnected rather just lack of able to connect.

If this is God's way of telling me to depend on him more, I just wished I could have gotten some cliff notes or a pop quiz warning.

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