Tom Branch - Roads of Faith

Ok my dreams are getting wild again. This was the third night I have had a crazy dream this week. Typically they are once in a while. But three times in one week...I dunno.

Well I dreamed that a friend from church died and it was mistaken identity but it still hurt me and I cried in the dream...well more like weaped. I was saddened by it. It was very confusing that's for sure.

Second dream was that I did not get to go home at Christmas, which I rarely do anyways, and I got a gift card type thing with some money to go home with. It was given to me by one of the guys I work with. The one that I know not to get into a religious talk with. He is an ass at times yes, but he can be pretty cool too. S what in the world does this dream mean? Why of all it was him who gave it?

And thirdly I just last night dreamed I went to an episcopal church service. Now that was weird. It was so different. and the bibles they had, had an additional testament to it. And the new and old testaments were out of order. There were so many things going on there I had no clue about. It was like you need a HOWTO manuals to attend service. Which is pretty much how I feel anyways for catholics. But why was I there?

Ok this is just crazy.

Now last night I was reading and got some more info that I cared for really. It wasn't a lot but it was enough for me to take a look at myself and reconsider a few things. I read a chapter about relationships and saw how very unhealthy I am. It was very convicting. In fact I may have to re-read it to let it sink in.

My parents were failures as parents. My father did his best and we made it through yes. Yet as far as having that nurturing role models a manly man or a woman neither of God. I hade neither. Even my father I know he hurt so I am not placing blame upon him. Yet I see that now the divorce really hurt and messed me up inside.

How is a man supposed to act and behave? I do not know. I grew up without knowing that. All I know is my dad kept lots of porn around and guess what I found. Last night I was reading that how I might (i am using myself as it does apply to me) be controlling in order to fix someone else's problems but keep them clinged onto myself so that I do not have to worry about being rejected.

Also there is one thing that I know of. Is that I cannot seem to find a healthy minded or christian girl. I typically find the ones that are messed up or so very insecure, ya know have issues. I mean have issues that get in the way or where they give up self to be told everything from the man (which is such a turn off). I typically attract the same ones over and over. I long for that good strong and supportive woman and find the opposite on both.

Now the book hit on that. This is an area where I know I need God on. it seems that my views on relationships and how I come about them need some serious help. My broken heart needs mending. For so many years after the divorce I did not see how a man is supposed to act, or a woman how is she to interact and care for her husband and children, how to interact with one another. Nor did I see how to grow up godly.

SO maybe I do not know how to relate in this way through god and even with God. Yet this is one place I know I have hurt for years. And the aftermath has stewed for so long it has taken new form.

How to be a Godly man.
How to love Godly.
How to live Godly.

Only one can help me with these things. One recent prayer was to be shown to me who I am. I know this is only one of many deliveries. But this is a big pacakge.

Ask and ye shall receive.

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