No crazy dream last ngiht. I still think that the last dream was not about exibitionism or anything ofthe such. It was bearing all and hiding from nothing in utmost honesty. Think about it when we are naked we are truthful and yet ashamed and we hide. Then it has been this way since Adam and Eve.

Yet our actions are just as clothed and in all we do. And when the layers come off and we start to bare we can become vulnerable and brutal as far as honesty goes. We even tend to bend trhuths and hide behind out own words, thoughts, actions, beleifs, everything!

For myself I can see that I hde behind my own self. My own selfish desires and the evil and wretched man I am, I hide behind myself before I do God. I dare not come to him naked, honest, and ready to talk with him in his presence. I am sure that we all are this way to one degree or another. We sometimes really have to bare all to God.

I do beleive if there were a meaning to that dream, this is what it is. In other news I have to work night shifts this week and that is a lovely source of weakness for me. But I can still do everything as planned except for Friday night where a friend was in town and I had hoped to be off on a friday for once. That dream has been crushed.

I still find it very hard to draw close to God. It is like I am in a buffer zone like a waiting room. I am in the office I just have not gone in yet. I am not being as active as I should be. I still tend to give into my own teptations and desires no matter what they are. But I find myself nearly preaching to myself alot these days. Last night I asked myself if I actually listend to what in the world I am saying? Do I listen to myself?

I have been starting to reflect upon my family and my past. It has been dark and godless for the most part. And the part I did have of God was not as deep as it is now. Yet it is a process that I went through, the seeds were planted then no matter how different things were then. It has formed me into what God wants me to be.

The sadness overflows me from my sins at times yet I run back towards them. I know that I may do much alone and yet some of this alone and yet I have entered into community, this time for something specific, and then trying to learn patience as my regular community group gets back on track.

While I grew up I did not have many friends so I learned to do things for myself and by myself. Now I look at this and see that I have much to learn about letting others in. I am not bad or anything it is just there are tiumes my own self comes before others. Even If I am ever to get married or even enter into the lives of others in their various walks I must learn to put them first. I must learn to put God first.

I am just rambling for now. I know that when I start to see this man God is molding me into becoming its a very happy thoguht and yet is sad when Iw alk away from it. I know that I also need to not dwell on this mold I see and feel. I do not want to fit into what I see yet I want to fit into what God sees.

One step at a time, one day at a time.