As many times I have seen one, as many times I have heard about it in a hymnal, as many times as I have heard “lay it at the cross” my hears go deaf. It's everywhere as a river flooding the streets the beautiful waters that started with the flooding became so polluted and brown now from dirt and filth and more.

And today it touched me. It is greater than I ever knew. And now to take up my cross...I am frightened to be honest. It really does symbolize the death of self. Much more than words or saying it, but it is heavy.

I was reading and saw how prideful I am, in fact several kinds of pride and confirmed that my desires, well sins and such stem from self centered life. This was of course very convicting but the part I read about the cross hit me much harder, deeper, I feel almost a tear building up in my heart.

The cross has become such a symbol in todays culture and christian culture. Yes this is where Jesus died, up on the mount, all is well, such a bad thing turned into the greatest thing ever yadda yadda yadda.

How in the..hell can I look at this again in the same way. Yes hell was appropriately used as these thoughts,....well there is more, oh so much more to it.

This is form what I read, it was a quote from A.W. Tozer

The old cross is a symbol of death. It stands for the abrupt, violent end of a human being. The man in Roman times who took up his cross and started down the road had already said good-bye to his friends. He was not coming back. He was going out to have it ended. The cross made no compromise, modified nothing, spared nothing; it slew all of the man, completely and for good. It did not try to keep on good terms with its victim. It struck cruel and hard, and when it had finished its work, the man was no more.

I am still horrified over this. This is what Christ went through? The cross a very unforgiving symbol and this is how he went out? And when all was said and done he was no more. Even to symbolically pick up and carry our cross is to loose ourselves. For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it. (Matthew 16:25 KJV).

Truly can we call up all our friends, tell them our goodbye's and tell them we are picking up our cross so that we can be put to death of our selves completely for the sake of Christ? Looking upon the cross in this light really has me thinking in greater detail that I am not used to thinking in. Can the cross kill me? And bring forth new life. Yes it can. Does this new life happen on this side of the clouds? That I do not know.

My cross is heavy and to be Christ like I may have to really try harder on these things. The end of an old era and the ushering in of a new. This is larger and deeper than I ever thought.

I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. (Ephesians 3:16-19 NIV)