Summer 2005...what a summer. This was now when I was wanting to graduate with a degree in photography. Anyways I am not going to start dwelling on failed dreams and desires. SO much has happened this summer in my walk. And now this is a time to reflect upon that.

Well in the spring I was able to get through so much with acocuntability. And the person I was doing it with had to go do a great many a things as well that's life. It was great becasue he got to help out with Billy Grahm crusade, go home, and more. But this left me with out weekly accountability for a while. I didnt sink and did some swimming. So all is well with that. In fact I am wanting to leave the safe waters and tread into the deerp unsafe waters.

So after the accountability I was still getting finances together. Then my car decided it needed alot of work. In fact so much I had to get a new car. I can afford it but things are tight. I didn't want to as I did not want any payments again for a while. so now I have a newer car and payments again. I need to pay this off so I can save money and get caught up on bills. I so want out of debt. Where am I now? Well I am trying to get a second job which is proving very unfruitful...in fact dead and barren. So I am going to have to make due with what I got.

Sins and behaviors...I have come to a point where I grow angry and frustrated with my sins. I am not upset with the slip ups or sins I do not realize I am doing, but the major ones where I do it over and over again. After some talking, meditation, and soul searching I have more recently viewed from a different angle that lust is a major sin in my life.

Masterbation.

Yes this is my sin. I do it and do it often. Now I know my weak points and when I do it...now yes sometimes when things are good and I guess my body has a nice chemical build up ok that I know I need to work on but the addictiveness of it where as I want to please myself etc this is a very bad root issue of this sin. In fact this same "doorway" is what allows the other sins get in my way and screw me up. I can not say no to myself.

This was the greatest discovery that came to light this summer...my inablilty to say no to even myself. I cannot deny myself. There in lies the challenge, the part that requires looking into. It all started with the second partnership meeting this summer. This was great as it gave me a chance to look back over the last few months and see where I was and where I am now. Needless to say it went well and I am soon going to be a partner with sojourn.

Don't start clapping and cheering yet. This sets the stage for why I am where I am now. I cannot keep doing these things. I really have to look into my heart and soul and start correcting my ways. I cannot continue living a double life. And at the end of the meeting I was asked if I had a problem with lust. I think I had made a small mention about it or someone mentioned it but the fact was I was asked right on the spot. And I am thankful that I was. I was able to identify it and say yes. I did not back out of it or lie or anything. SO I guess that was also a first step into seeing this as a problem. But the "L" word is not the sin...I feel it is the aftermath yes but not the source of the problem. SO this was a first step.

Now being who I am and helping out I did get called out in good terms for the help that I have been doing with Jeff Street. Which was good but I just wanted to keep on doing it. It is good to know that I am appreciated. But its not my work it;s what God has allowed me to do. And I really hope that I can get into it deeper than what I am now. I hope that it goes into a minstry and not just an internet lab.

Now summer accountability did take on a slightly different path. I met a friend over the internet...not a dating site, for the record I hate the connotation people have when they hear "met on the internet"...and she had very similar things happening to her that closey reflected where I was and am in my walk. She did not have anyone to talk to over a few things when she read or meditated. So I had told her I would be more than glad to if she wanted to. She could not belive what she heard. So this was a long distance accountability...more like a prayer/bible study partner. Now we have still had our times reflecting upon God but a freindship has grown out of it. So I don't know if accountability would be the appropriate word anymore. Needless to say it has been in my prayers alot these days.

Nowadays my prayer/bible reading life flip flops...I'll do one or the other but not both regularly.

So lets do a keyword recap of my summer

accountability, partnership, lust, masterbation, finances, friendships, lack of extra income, heavy burden os sins...

I think thats it in a nutsell. Oh and I did talk to my mom a time or two. I think I still have issues to deal with about that. My sins are moving deeper into my heart where the battle now lies. It does feel a war os being fought. I draw close to God but my past sins and perversions get to me.

I guess the process of sanctification is mortifying your sins. Well I have many of them. My greatest difficulty right now is forgiving myself for my past sins. And how can God keep taking me back all the time when I know I am going to do it again. I know that most every time when I masterbate its becasue I am bored, or frustrated etc...so instead of seeking God and his strength I walk away form him and seek elsewhere. I am a selfish...(insert explatives here). But my hear cries over this more and more each time I do this and more.

It hurts, knowing I don't deserve his forgiveness but knowing I can't make it without it. The road is a bit bumpy right now, but after kicking a rock or two out of the way it's easier to walk. but there are an awful lot of rocks!!!

Summer wrap up...where am I going from here? Going deeper into my heart and soul, seeking help from others in the walk. As it is not a one sin two sin issue, it is an issue of the heart on many fronts. I need to enlist others to fight with me and help me fight.

Also I have confessed my darkest sin to one. But I feel I need more to know. It was soething stupid I did as a child. But today it haunts me. I am burdened more and more to tell someone. But I am scared. Even though I know I shouldn't be.

That's enough rambling for now. I know from here things can only get better. The walk is about to go deeper. I look forward to it yet I am scared and not sure if I am ready to deal with it...but I know I am as I continue to become the Man God has made me and is calling me to become.