Yesterday I guess was a spill-over form many of my thoughts an feelings. SO needless to say I was in a funk and therefore sins were magnified and I didn't even take compfort in running and hiding into a hole. Which is odd as typically that is where everyone has thier safe place and I didn't want to go there.

My sense of accomplishment was real low. I sat and played a video game, it was Pop-it, all I did was click and pop balloons and I did this for two hours. SO I was a monkey, a zombie monkey. A monkey.

I was worthless and felt worthless.

Now that started diminish after I did some dishes and cleaned up a few things, well straightened up. I finished the kitchen....well worked on it furhter it still is uncomplete. I talked toa friend or two on the phone and was ok after that.

But in facing this I did not pray. I felt unworthy of God's time. How can he keep on accepting me like this? I guess this is really where Satan loves me. I wasn't confused, I was upset rather. Unfocused and did not feel like I could get back on the good trail as I was engulfed with sin. Yet I felt guilty from it and wanted nothing more to do with it. I still can't stop focusing in on God like I should.

I am a weak Chrsitian this is true. I am getting there, I am fighting as it feels a war on my soul has been declared. The closer I draw towards God the harder this becomes. The more real it hits me.

BUt once I got going and felt I had accomplished something I was feeling better. But I still feel like I am hiding form him. Kinda like the prodigal son staying away and then wallowing in muck becasue I am scared to go home and say I screwed up.

Knowing there is somethere on the other side did help, but only so much. I don't know.

But today things are ok. Just getting close to some deeper issues. Hopefully soon I will get to face them.