Ok I so wanna chuck one up right now, barf, puke whatever! I think it's halt physical and half mental. I feel queezy in my stomach, might be from all the chemicals goin on around here. All but one room (kitchen) has been cleaned. How and why do I let things get so carried away? What is in comes out....so I must be filthy or a giver upper. I gave up and let things get out of hand.

SO now I can smell cleaner things, and see my carpet all throughout the apartment all but for the kitchen. My small apartment just got bigger by rearranging a few things and displacing (non-kitchen) 2-3 bags of trash, well two bags and one box. Plus one bag from the kitchen which was near full anyways.

I must be a slob, it parallels with my spiritual life. I kinda start slacking off go back into the since and selfish desires (at least I know I am human) and steer away and getting things messy. Well guess what the same thing happens to my apartment. So what is out comes in, and what is in comes out. What a mess. Pathetic mess actually. I need more focus and determination.

In fact here is a challenge, I better work my butt off as far as exercise goes so that I can try to go back up the mountain this year. I have got to make it to the top. It is my goal and yet I have failed twice, I really know that I can make it if I apply myself correctly. I will walk up to it alone that's fine. Except this year I will have my really wonderful friend...IPOD. I will securely take my camera, very risky, into the trail early am into bear country alone.

I am so not in shape for this, but it.....ya know I am scared, it is a very large task, several miles (5-7ish) walk up steep rocky (very rocky) trail up the mountain and through the creek countless times. I just don't know that I want to do this alone. I tend to finish things when I know there is someone to do them for, like walking. If I am with someone I tend to go further than I would for myself.

Maybe going with the music would help this year, its like listening to someone if they were with me....hmmmm it's an idea....if I get my butt in shape. I need not only to loose a few pounds but also get endurance and stamina up. Its a long hike. Very long. Longer alone. Last time it took 4 hours to walk up it, and then 2 hours to walk down. I gotta get some boots too. I cant do it in sneakers like my dumb self did the previous years....talk about hurt.

Maybe we will see.

But I am semi disgusted at how far I let myself go. Where is my determination? Am I feeling sorry for myself and giving up? Or do I lack the focus driven motivation? See this all tends to come to the stewardship for God. If I do not take care of my affairs here and now, how will I take care of them in Heaven?

I pray that god will continue to break me down even further and continue molding me into the man he wants me to be. I must ask for his will to be done, not mine, and accepting his will. Also the serenity prayer seems to come into place here.....

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The Courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference
Amen

This is so true. This is what is on my heart right now based on the serenity prayer.

God grant me the serenity to acknowledge the things I do wrong
The grace to forgive myself
The courage to live according to your will
Your enabling me to make the changes you so desire
The grace of selfless ness and take away my selfish desires
May I change according to your will and your word
May your will be done not mine
May I humble myself before you and praise your for your grace
May I live not for myself but for you Lord
Amen

Anyways I think now I shall try finishing the kitchen...that way I can have a great accomplishment before bed time. Actually after thinking about the prayer, I am starting to feel a lil better.