The title means nothing in this post. Today was a boring dull do nothing day. Very eventless lazy day. I woke up so late I felt I could do and did do no good for the world or myself. I dunno why but when I wake up real late I can't do or get into doing anything.

I got an email from the lovely new parents this morning. Saw a pic and a video of the baby. He is so cute. I'm getting mushy I must be loosing my manhood who knows haha. Or I am changing into something greater. One day I would love to be a dad, husband and so much more. But that comes down to me wanting....and I still don't want to want anything but what God wants. This is what scares me.

My desires no matter how good or not how am I to know if they are mine or God's? I know God is no magician and will send a neon sign that says yes or no, and in his wisdom may allow something bad (what we have judges as bad) to go on for a long time as in his eyes it is good or yields a special results for him. So if these desires I am having, thoughts, dreams, goals, etc are supposed to be mine, are they mine now?

I'm not trying to be leagalistic but I am questioning everything. Much as a child does in young development. I am scared and frustrated. Everytime I sin and fail, not the small accident sins but the big ones (doing what I know is wrong, or not doing what I know I should etc) that guilt mounts up and works its way with me. It's a part of the process and journey this I know. But from what I feel is maybe things I have asked for are starting to happen, maybe this change is picking up speed, maybe I need to rise to action and use this time now. God may very well be calling me.

I think it is fear holding me back. Might be running in the background making things not work or shifts effort at inconvenient times. Some would say it's satan talking. It very well may be. Two sides are significantly here now. For a while it was so blended in. Now with God's grace stepped in as referee and started breaking it up. Yet as I now see both sides of the battle the tension mounts up so heavily there is some serious tension in the air. Bloddshed may happen. Yet it already has occured in one side. The clean side that appeals most is the one starting the war. The side covered in blood is the redeeming side. Tug of war and I am the peaice of tape on the rope. One side to the other. Well I am on one side but the other gives a good tug closer back.

I am ok really. God has pointed out some serious stuff to me alot lately. I only fear making another mistake or serious wrongs. You could say its the one thing you always wanted. You waited anf fought to get it for so long. But now in the hint that you might get it you go from seeking that desire to freaking out not sure what to do now. I just wish I knew that what I am doing is of his will and not of my own choices, yet that is why I fail. Even if I am scared this is good or bad, right or wrong....this is where I should go for it, fear it not, and if anything happens that is when and where to seek him. Draw towards god. Rely and depend on God. If it isn't or comes bad...God will be there and not abandon us. This should make me fear less and be risky I guess one could say. Fear god and not fear itself.

Sometimes I want to cry of joy and sadness knowing of God's grace and love. It's so vast and unable to be understood by our mortal human minds.

Where am I know with all of this...? I do not know. I shall keep on the path that I am. May his grace shine down and whatever happens may I do according to his will and never forget God nor the sacrifice of Christ during any of it.