I guess today was like coming back to the next episode. Ya know not a to be continued... or anything like that. It was like the show went off and then the next day I tuned in to watch a new episode of.

That is a good way of explaining today. I have spent some time reading but later I will be in prayer. The book I am reading now is a very good book. It's not treating things on the surface it is getting deeper than that. Still generic in some areas but it backs up so much in biblical mandate....if thats the word I am looking for.

Its a book about Lust and it goes beyond that. Its not a book about lust....the word that so many seem to attack. I cannot really explain it as too many thoughts are running through my mind and heart right now.

But I fell asleep reading it earlier and now I don't want to put it down, except when I pick up the bible and read verses that were referenced. It seems that over the last few days things have started to come to light and get clarified.

Righteousness:
I have had an issue with this very much so. How can I continually be given the "Righteousness" of Christ when I sin and will continue doing so? This frustrated me almost. But like the "on" switch being flipped I saw things in a different way....no God showed me, otherwise I do not know how I ever came to this thought.......Righteousness is not only a given and a command, yet it is ALSO encouraging and empowering to know that yes I fall but God still wants to give me this gift, that he still trusts me enough to be given another chance. It's like the cool kid giving the not-so-cool kid his leather jacket, everyone looked down upon the not-so-cool kid but after that he felt better, Wow Mr. Cool thinks I am cool enough for this jacket!!! God loves us enough to give it to us!!! I hope this is not a bad way of looking at it.

Sin:
I am a sinner, a super sinner, come on down and I will give you a multitude of sins for the price of one, me. Well There is a deal I can get rid of all my sins for the price of one, Christ. The deal has already been made but I don't wanna seem to fork over the property in the terms of agreement.
I have more than I thought, Lust, Greed, Envy, Pride, ok there are three more I might was well start sinning in those ways to complete the set....then again, No.

Weakness:
I am a weak Christian. I know that I fall yes but I fall into many of my own traps or into the same ones. Knowing that I am weak is a great, wonderful, and awesome things.....this is the opportunity to draw towards Christ's ways and to God. But this is also where I take the easy way out and parade fantasies of life and day dream rather than take it to prayer.

In fact it is a combination of all these things that I have had many sins come to surface. Pride and Envy being the newest ones really. They snuck in under the radar when I was too busy looking at shame and guilt and the other big ones that I forgot those.

Today felt different for most of the day. I cannot say what or how I felt other than different, contempt almost. But it seems that God has something working internally within me through his grace, mercy, and enabling power.

In sermon one of the points were to become honest and telling the truth. For me this was facing the past rather than holding onto it. All I know is there is alot going on spiritually right now for me. For that I am greatful and even though there are many questions I don't want it to stop. I hope that I do not become contempt with things and stop seeking.

I can go on for hours, but I think I will stop here for now.

Oh yeah and here are the sins that surfaced last night I want to share:

I am a terrible sinner I have many

I am a weak Christian as I give myself over to many unwise choices and sins. nor do I take up opportunities like I should because of doubt and fear.

I am a jealous man as I get when I see others advancing or doing with while I do without, either family, fiends, better jobs, etc...not to big on the materialistic side, but the relational side I tend to be...so Envy, yes I am envious I guess would be safe to say.

I am very selfish as lust and greed run wild with my self-centered life and heart....it must be, maybe not completely but there is enough to support this I feel.

I am a very prideful person as well and tend to look down upon others who are not on the same page, while there may be safety in this, I do not take those opportunities to minister or fight the fight, I simply look them down lower than I and look away from them, I write them off rather than trying to bring them home to God.