Um yeah I think so. I am starting to anyways. Do I hate myself no. Do I hate my SELF, yeah it's starting to get on my nerves. Anyone get what I am saying? myself and my SELF are not the same.

The tug of war continues where as I give in to old, refuse to give into new, am holding on to who knows what. I am a weak and unworthy christian. I still want my SELF to be pleased, to do things that I want to. What happened to me wanting what God wants?

Why do I let my own excuses rule over my choices and things I do. Case in point is that right now it seems that the only way that I can help is working at a call center for the Red Cross, and I worked call centers for 5 years, and I just don't want to help this way. I want to have a more hands on personal way of serving. Why must I allow my own feelings stop me from doing what very well could be God's work? Selfish pride? Yeah I am better than that. I want to help my way.

So I guess I do not completely understand what it means to serve. I know I want to serve and I continue onward serving more when I can. Yet some times I still do it for my own glory. Or is it God's glory and then my own frustrations are clouding this.

Am I a victim of the hurricane? Maybe. I am thinking things over and over. And the beatitudes seemed to take place in this event. Seeing all the suffering I see what I have and complain. I have so much good or bad, but I have so much and how thankful am I? what does it mean to give up possessions...it means to not take rewards here on this side of the clouds, yet give them away and then we shall receive on the other side.

Oh how long Lord will I forget you?

The burden on my heart grows to help and serve and bring forth something in others. Yet my burden to draw closer towards God and further away from my old, does not grow. It does slightly, yet I run back to the old, back to my SELF. The one person I care about, and not wanting to suffer.

Christ suffered. Yet I cannot, well I do not. I do not want. And this may be yet another point where I fail. I am so sorry for letting God down, for letting myself down, for wanting to do good. I want to do good soooo much that I do not want to do God.

I lack intimacy. As intimacy also means submissions. And means to loose my SELF, die to my SELF. Submit to outside my own will. This is why I cannot have an intimate relationship here on earth. I want to be the perfect husband and hero so much that I do not let go of SELF. And there are so many things that need to be let go of.

There are so many out there with so little in the world, missionaries with barely any food and only a bible if even at that at times, and I sit here in comfy stuff that I complain. Why in the hell can I not let go? I think Hell would be an appropriate term in this case. As this is where I will end up if I do not learn to let go.

I hate my SELF, yet not enough. I am not the hero. God is. Yet I am impatient and prideful I want it all.

More thoughts to come...