The pain of waking up after 1:30 pm and going to bed after 5 am hurts. I am just in pain. Food is cookin so hopefully the pain will reside or settle down shortly after that. It hit me that there is still no word this morning from the other job. Today is job unappreciation day.

I do go into work for my yearly review and up for a raise. I do not know how much it will be if any. Even if it is good I still want to leave or get my job redesigned. No more night shifts, at all. I don't want nor can handle them. I hope the Dr says sleep apnea so I can get a dr to say no more nights.

Not really. I just want a way off nights.

Then I researched more jobs on the internet and see that there are some I have no qualification for whatsoever and some are positions that matter. Like the scen from Mallrats where brody's girlfriend is breaking up with him...she names off several jobs that make a difference, like cops, flight navigaotrs etc. I look at those and even the positions at some folks from church...they have important roles, they do not have a cookie-cutter job. ANd I envy them. They are happy and have fun with work.Yeah its work and gets tough but listen to them talk about thier job and me talk about mine, I am the one sounding dark, drab, and depressive.

I want to accept God's will yet I want to question him and ask is this working? Is this all I have in my life as far as jobs go? What is my role? Who am I? Why am I not important? Why do I suffer in a job I loathe, it physically hurts while others are in good jobs and love it? When lord will it be my turn? Am I on the right path?

These are all very unhealthy questions to be asking god. But I feel I am lost in the crowd, trapped in the glass bubble I see the outside world and others happily inside of it, yet I am inside trapped seeking a way out, and finding nothing.

Now yes still no word could mean I am still in the running, and if I were to ask for word I could sign off and the denial of this job. WHo knwos maybe this job would be bad for me and God is protecting me from it. I just wished I knew so I could move on. WIshed I knew that there is another better job around the corner. ALas I do not. And it is hard to put my faith in God to find something other than job rejections. I think I am up to 20 rejections this year. And thats close to accurate.

I just want to know I have a place in this world, in god's will.

And class was cancelled tongiht so my weekend is shot except for sunday for a few hours...if I wake up in time.