...you realize that while you hurt you are away from God. That does not make sense I know. But neither does this whole last 72 hours. Well actually it does too.

Since Friday twice have I been upset and angered. Once at my taking offense to something and second to harsh unchrst-like words from a fellow brother in christ. Well his actions were not christ-like I find it hard to consider him christian.

In all this I have had much anger and frustrations even a huge side of bitterness. I think I got the platter special that was on discount. Gernerous portions for a cheap price. The sad ting its cheap but it gains interest like mad. So it does get very expensive.

I am angry. And those I have shared this expereince with more than understand why and are very suproized I was treated in such a way as I was. Until it is resolved I cannot say details. But only those of what God has put in front of me.

While I sit here angry and mad I feel justified in such. As far as this world goes that is fine and dandy. But not with God. While a relationship with another may be causing issues why do I let it replace the intimacy I seek with God.

Trough this I see that I am a sinner. I still believe in myself. Apart form god no man should. Meekness, grace, and forgiveness...I have been charged in these three areas this weekend. Mostly from Tozer's Pursuit of God. And taking the two incedents out of consideration and taking what is left with me and God.

If I were to act upon what I feel I am right with then I will miss out on furhter intimacy with the creator and then deeper relationships now and future. I am actually thankful I go through these now so I will understand better when I get married, God willing, but in any and all relationships. Christ suffered those who used his name. He suffered for those that lived his name, the name of the father.

I can see that there is still much pride left in me that needs to be broken. So something bad was done to me. That's nice. What does it mean with me and God? That I am a sinner and I cannot do this by my own power as mine is corrupt and evil will only spill anger and hatred over.

Being broken is very humbling. I have lived with pain and anger for so long. And giving it to God is a hard process. I still want to feel control over it. Yet we all want control over our lives. But man is not meant to have control. At all. We are to shepard or become stewards of what we are given here on earth from money and physicla items to heart felt sthings such as love and caring. We have no control only God has complete control. Yet as all, but I can only say I, still try to hold on to that. We do not want to give it to him. I sit here angry can;t give it to him as I want to control it all. Lord please break me. It hurts knowing I hold onto this.

I was already workign through these thigns when this morning happened. One friend said it was a test after the book. One pop quiz that caught me off guard. I want to freely love and that is so hard to do. today I came to another place, In knowing meekness is really something to be looked into, It occured to me it should not matter where man (anyone) thinks I am in my faith or walk with God, that is only between God and I. It hit me, he knows more than I do. I felt everything had its time and palce. That even this even was meant to be.

God has been letting me know he really is everywhere in my life. He loves to give us mirrors. And they are not the purdy ones ya see in barber shops and hair salons. All in all, I could be angry or whatever human emoiton I want. Or even know how to deal with. But in doing so puts up a floodwall between I and his work. I p[ray that I can let it flow and not put up anymore walls than I have to. It is not between me and the person who wrongged me, but between me and God.

I see that when anyone puts faith in man that we are alone and lonley. But when we put our faith in God, we are not alone at all.

As I have felt this more and more over these last few weeks. My alone-ness was not based on God. It was without God.