It is crazy how one could be minded on God and contemplative, and then chill out so far that it takes more effort to get where you were than being there in the first place. I think I might be coming down with something to close to it. My ears have been popping a lot, getting annoying but I maybe congested.

Anyways this week has been a full week. So much happened. Thursday night and Friday were some big days. I finished a book and copied all my loose notes so far from the pursuit of holiness into a new notebook, so much easier to get to the notes now.

So I have had much review of where I have been over these last few months. But knowing where I am now, well that is a different story. It seems there has been a shift of heart, a shift in the planets lining up so to speak. Tonight at service were two really wonderful songs. But it was the second song that really stood out.

We have only sung it once before I believe, not many I know. It only came out not to long back. It is downloading now. So all is well. The one doing the singing tonight was so beutiful, loud, and with passion from her heart. This was the best I think I have ever heard her, either that or the song was so powerful it hit me more. She was great. After the service I let her know that she did a great job and then I commented “It's about time you got loud!” You could feel her singing it from the heart. It is from Matt Redman called “You never let go” The lyrics can be found here.

The louder she got the more it hit me. The more it resonated with my heart. In this highs and lows God has not left me. I know there is much healing needed in my life. I feel now more than ever that God has purpose for me. I am not quite sure yet, but there is something stirring, something brewing. There is much more molding needed into that man, the one he calls me to be. And he did provide.

One of the hardest issues I have had is with family. And then since it was supposed to be a preacher and his wife...that did not happen and I grew up not godless, but hard to get connected to God. So I have had a hard time with love and family. I did not have that supportive love. And when I say in prayer dear heavanly father....it's odd. My father wasn't that great loving supportive one I needed during those years growing up. So I took refuge in comics and stuff. Rarely would my father express love and it was typically during the hard times, but other than that the L word was not used.

So I guess I grew up with a messed up view of love. It cam around every now and then but when you needed it, was no where to be found. I had to make my own love. So then I started many habits and self love and worship. If no one will love me or take care of me then I have to. Even later I could not give myself up completely in a relationship. For me Love meant Self. Both a four letter word. Love hurts yets, yet when it is self and not love, Self hits below the belt. Love hits the heart.

This would describe my last serious relationship. I was not in love, I was in self. Felt better to have someone so I elevated myself up. I stayed this way for years. Now I see that is not right, good, or godly. I want to know what love is, now I got a flood of 80's songs lyrics now hahaha. Well God is letting me know what love is. Webster's was wrong, they cannot defining love, in fact the whole dictionary cannot even match the pages it will take to tell of it in full.

The topic is the shift. In one of my counseling sessions the point or goal was set to work on the relationship with my mother and father. Very shortly after that I called my father. It was a typical call. Just checking in seeing how everyone is doing and such. Then it was time to end the call. All was normal. It typically ends with a holler at ya later or something like that.

But this time it was different. At the end he said he loved me. I have not heard those words for so many years. Out of the blue, nothing bad or major happening, just random.
There must have been a shift as life, well I dunno. I lived for so long expecting not to hear that. I guess this has changed life. Nothing major on the outside. I guess I needed to hear that. I am still taking it all in.

Yet in contrast when my mother says it I keep myself cold and distant as I do not want to get hurt again so I am very protective of myself. One parent says it and I am dumbfounded (from shock) and the other I am cold and protective and will now acknowledge it. Maybe like Jacob who from the get-go had a messed up family. My family has been broken and maybe it is his will to fix it, heal it, mend it.

For the last several years my grandmother was still here we were never able all together for christmas. She said during her last one that one day we all would be. Now a few years alter my brother is married and a father. A new addition. My father may be close to getting re-married since the divorce 18 years ago. Family is in several pockets right now. Is it God through me that this may come to pass and be one family again?

I d not know. But I feel in my heart family will be a part of my life one day and maybe soon. Yet the heavanly family is THE family, not just what is here on earth. I must unlearn all i know of family. To relearn what THE family will be on the other side of the clouds.

While my family was breaking, he never let go.

And now hearing three words from my father I know that I am not forgotten. The boy that was hurt was left behind and alone for many years. After being I guess comfortable growing up and being raised from selected comics and tv shows I wanted to grow up differently. I was already an adult. God has taken me in and is teaching me differently. He has always been there. He never let go but I tried so many times. I raised my hand for him to help me back up.

He never let go. Even when I did not see his hands, He never let go.

And then one day I will want to reach even further reaching to heaven for his hands. And may that day I too see that he never let go.

My story may not be the same as others, it may have different pain and sufferings, yet I see that I may not have ever known the value of love or family. I might have seen it as a one hundred dollar bill. But now I see that the same bill to so many I see it as one hundred bills. Every bill every blessing counted and understood. Not just one good bill.