I am sitting here feeling rather empty. Does no one understand me or have I alienated others by my views, thoughts and feelings? What does God want with me? can't he just send me a note and tell me something? I guess that's just me wishing again.

Tonight my friend called from Tennessee, the same one who gave me his line about the bible and pretty much set me off for the rest of the weekend. The one who laughed at something honorable. It seems that since I do not seek sex that is to be funny and something to laugh at. He called tonight and I ignored the call. I will keep writing here and voicing in my podcast I guess. Seems to be the only place to voice anything on my heart or in my head.

But honestly what does God want with me? I can't seem to persuade anyone of anything, I can't even tell if I am setting any type of example or planting any seeds. It's not that i do not know, it seems that I get the message that I do not. We are supposed to be ambassadors of Christ...I think I get F- every report card on this subject.

I know that at Sojourn I am making an impression at least knowing that I serve a purpose and see the fruits of my actions. And yet I have missed it for a few weeks and am feeling rather misplaced. Outside of those hours I feel empty and alone all but for knowing there is God...when I remember his presence that is. Where in the world am I going? I just do not know if I am serving God's will for my life.

Now if I accept the sovereign grace aspect then I am, everything i do is of his will. But the part where I have choice and the choices I make determine where I go. This I seem to have an issue with. I have tried several times to get in touch with others but it seems shallow most of the time and I come off as whiny and complaining so I am taken less seriously. Or when I pose a question, I seem to scare folks off or I do not get anyone to engage in such a conversation with.

This year is wrapping up and I am close to finishing one project for the partnership directory. this should be a great accomplishment yet I do not feel I have accomplished anything. I have crossed paths with a few folks that I have started some wonderful relationships with yet it seems two of the important ones have drifted away. Life happen that way, yes I know.

I do feel worthless to God. Everyday life outside of Sojourn I see no progress. Work and friends see me one way and do not see me any other way. I cannot influence them to see hey I am changing I want to seek greater things and change behaviors. I want others to see how Christ is doing great things in my life yet they are rejecting me and therefore rejecting God.

I slipped up real bad around x-mas, back into old habits and thoughts. I was back into them bad. God became second as I wand to just survive the worst days of the year that got two days added because of my best friend. All I want to do is go back to the new life I was fighting for. It's all that I have when everyone else in the world that i cross paths with, refuse to see. I make mistakes and I slip up yes, but no one takes my faith seriously. I need a good sermon to go to here soon. But I do not think that may happen soon enough. Sunday will be here sooner than I think. yet this is my week off so I do not see any rest enough to return to the evil world in which I work.

How can I be an ambassador of Christ or become a good steward for him when I try and fail? The world sees only see failure and sees not success. Those around me do not see or acknowledge Christ in my life. This hurts. I know that we are to proclaim God in our lives. I guess this is persecution? I know I have plenty of things in life that I need to change, better habits formed, bad ones dropped, heart changed etc. I cannot do this alone.

Honestly I fear I will be one of the lost and left behind, one of those who tried and failed miserably. I fear i will be one who struggles and seeks God and still falls into the pits of hell. This fear comes up a lot. Even in the middle of sermon. I am bound for hell as I am wrong in my faith. I fear my desires will overcome those of God's desires for me. Then again I do not completely know what they are.

I guess my story is I guess a sequel to the prodigal son and maybe a cross of Paul? (the one who wrote Romans) that I want to go home, I cry out to find the way and get nothing. The small directions take me no where or I end up in a circle and no one to ask directions of. Only my voice is all that I hear. I find no other person to hear their heart or voice. How do I go home if I know not the way? I will go to the wrong home. One where there is no air conditioning.

I do not want to burn, I do not want to be wrong, I do not want to be forgotten. This fear overcomes me and frustratingly terrified. Horrified. just frozen up scared where my brain shuts down. I cannot fathom that forever. Let alone the idea of forever. The only truths I hear are the ones that have been twisted and that lie in my head and every now and then the word. Who can lead me? Who can I follow?

I follow the best that I can and it seems I hear so often I am going the wrong way or no way at all. it is hard for me to find God in my Godless world that I live and work...well only work. I am scared to strike up conversations with people I do not know. I do not smoke so I do not get to meet others who take a smoke break. It seems that smokers are more sociable than non smokers. Well by means of the smoke break.

Who can ever see me for who I am becoming rather than the one they want me to be.

Even at church I feel hunger. At least with community groups. I see so many others all together and me just being a free-agent roaming around. I feel free agent lost in the desert away from so many and so much.

So at Jeff Street am I making a difference in these men's lives? Am I brining God to them or am I just the internet guy? Am I working on the partnership directory just for the praise and attention? Am I doing the directory for the glory and honor of God?

Yes I have no idea. So I keep going with what I have been given. I miss my connections with god and I hope and pray that he would bring someone else into my life that can walk with me. But I do not go back towards God hoping that i find that human interaction and someone to help guide me back. This does not work. I know God has taken so many steps towards me especially over this last year. Yet I do not take as many steps as I know I should. Yet I want a few certain steps taken towards me first. God has his plans for me. I do not know how accepting I am of it at times.

To be honest I am an angry man, lustful, selfish, prideful, confused and human. Why do I sit here so many times with no one to talk to of this? At least those who will not play the "I am busy" game on me. I have heard that too much I have missed out on so much and have been left with the evils in my head and thoughts running amok without anyone to help me sort them.

Those who have done me wrong, I do not want to forgive. That's honestly the way I feel often times. I can forgive yet I still anger at the memory.

Why am I like this? Why does romans 7 keep coming back to haunt me? When I want not to do evil, BAM!!! I am sinning again. Sometimes its a small sin or something i do not notice. Other times I know it is a complete blatant sin and do nothing to get out of it.

I know that I crave others in my life, I also crave to be there for others and make a difference. I wish to be there for others. Yet I am one that others find hard to let me in. I guess I want to be the hero. I look back the the best times I have had were often ones where I was helping and was a part of something. Where I made a difference. It is hard to be there for others while wanting others in my life just as much. Maybe this is why I cannot give myself completely into things like Jeff Street or the directory. As when I get done I am back to being alone and wanting. Or wanting something deep conversation that might bring me closer to God.

If even something to understanding a trap or trigger I set myself up for and fall into, lies from Satan, or even work through this "wrong path" and thoughts of hell. Yet I do not.

I am human, I am a sinner. And this seems to much for any man in this world (man = men + women) to accept me for. Yes I am a sinner and will sin again. I fear I am doomed to hell at times. I do not like my sins. For my old self is all I know so i do not let it go. It is all I have and that is something I do not have with out God.

When will this ever go away? Please tell me before I fall into the fires. Then my suffering here will be in vain and only the worst of it here will be the best of times below. I do not want to be that one guy who followed and failed. I do not want to live like this. Yet only God knows and understand, yet I know not nor understand his desire for me.

Is my role the supporter that helped others to Christ? I have rambled enough, I want to scream right now. I can't shake this.

I am Tom and that's all I know who to be no matter what either the old Tom or the new Tom.