Well after standing in line waiting to talk to folks and only getting in barely two senteces I left Sojourn feelin unconnected by all once again. I am growing tired of this. And the roomates were gone so the place is all mine. I love a good sermon followed up by aloneness.......insert heavy sarcasm here.

But i wateched some bloopers and a few episodes pf one of my fav shows. Laughed alot and feeling better. Much better. But I lost the focus I wanted to have on god. I love to laugh. Its great exersize and it just brightens up one's day. I hate that a fictional TV family becomes more a family than those I hold dear to me or others in church.

Anyways there is much going on but I do beleive that i just need a fiction break. I may have been putting too much in understanding and coming to terms with a few things, many convictions and coversations and books....all so many things, so many open doors that remain unclosed and undealt with that I need some closure, or I might just be overwelmed. I need a few good laughs, I need a night or two out with friends. I think I will start reading the Narnia books as it does have some deep messages in them but I need something where I can imagine and not think.

I am tired of thinking. I keep coming back to this place where I feel there is no connection and I am back alone in my walk. When I feel I need others the most is when I have that lack thereof.

I do have an idea of a script for the movie fest. That should keep me goin with some creativity. I just need some expression and an audience to hear it. Otherwise I might as well talk to myself. It's not about understand or expressing, it's like being rich...what good is it if you have no one to share it with?

I want to share but I feel isolated. Well tomorrow may bring a new day and a new life...well starting to fix one major issue on my heart. Tomorrow I will go pick up a treadmill and I can start walking on it and hopefully start loosing weight, reducing stress, and just do something.

I hope that this will be the first of a great change coming. Then after my health starts getting underway I hope to change or add the focus to finances.

I do not know if I will seek counseling or not. It can't hurt but I don't know where to begin. I don't want to know.