Tom Branch - Roads of Faith

These last few days have been good. Still a few ups and downs. But alot of thought has been goin on. My sleep has been crazy, well my reams have. This mornings dream was another saga. I woke up form it a few times before I was so bored of it I did nto go back to sleep. It was odd that when I passed back out I was back in the same dream. Very odd indeed.

But sitting at the crossroads I think there is a direction for me to go in. It is not the same path I was following. I feel I need to know Christ differently than what I am learning from man here on earth. As it is so objectionable these days. I want truth and I want truth presented in a way that reflects it. I need to see faith in more pra cticle terms and not in applicble terms. Sometimes ya gotta be real and in the here and now. You may still strive forth the gol of the other side of the clouds yes, but do not forget the living. As that senteces them all, us all to death. The same death that is preached about to be prevented, it is that same death condemned on us all.

I have been thinking alot of trying out for dancing of some sort. It has so many benfits. Yet I asked folks I knew into dancing and then got pointed to another person. Which I felt was wild. Since the most common answer I got was to look in the phone book...honestly I do not think they meant anything by it, but to me it was an insult to my inteliigence and disreguarded my request. I wanted to hear from those who have experienced, I wanted to ask from a persons perspective and not a sales pitch. I know to look in a phone book, in fact I was searching dance studios for a few days on the internet. I am not mad, but I am upset....not at the people. In fact I am thankful that they did get me to someone who did talk to me about it. But that same mentality is that go seek elsewhere, I do not want to share with you...that attitude I have gotten so many times I have no tolerance for it and has left me so angry that it clouds mu judgement so much that I take it that way easier than I should. But still...I am thankful to them all, but the situation.....

Anyways I learned that the good stuff that I wanted to do with the practice dances and make an attempt at being social will be shot due to my work schedule once again. Why oh why do I suffer so? I have to turn down aso many chances to do things with people becasue of work. Does God hate me? Am I being punished for something? I don't know. It is set in my heart for change yet I see road blocks everyhere.

I have had some very good conversations with folks this week and was very open with them so they hear my anger, pain, and suffering and my dry faith.

I may start another blog this one dealing with brutal honesty and some deeper issues. The issues that are on my heart right now. This faith based blog, well I do not know if it will work for that kind of discussion.

I want to learn, I want to live, I want to love, I want to be loved, I want to serve, I want to see someone else in my life other than myself. I want truth and not promises, I want to see not hear, I want to have meaning in my life.

I still feel, for the most part, that my life is meaningless. Yet I do believe God has given me a direction for life, at least short term, where I need to let people in if they will accept me. And seeing my record of rejection, I do not know if I will have anything or anyone but God and invisible force that does not seem to be sufficent these days. I am hurting I need healing and I do not know how to go about it alone. Those who tell me things will get better have someone either family or friends.

the wants in my heart are there for a reason.....or is there? I am not promised to have a purpose in life...so then I must go to hell then? Why is is when I confront these feelings it puts me into a bad place? Why does God not want me? Why will he not tell me? I fear hell so my suffering here will only get worse...I feel no hope in christ right now. Among God and man I feel very insignificant. I keep coming back to this place when I try to be happy, and fake it like 99% of christians do...it can only get me so far. I am tired of reading how to live a right life, I am tired of hearing how to, when I cannot see SEE SEE I mean SEE.

These last few days God seems to have told me what he wants me to do (but not how to do it) and has told me nothing with where my life is going or what he wants of me. I have no role.

Every sunny day for me is blocked by the clouds, I hate my job, I reach for others for God and I do not grasp. Not even air for there is nothing just as I am. Just once I would love to hear that I tried, to feel valid for something....might as well wish for the lottery to hit.

Why does God hate me? I try to come home but he isnt answering the phone.

1 Comments:

L. Eubanks said...: You are loved.

You are wanted.

God does not hate you.

It's ok to feel angry.... for a while.

It takes time to heal the hurt that has taken years to accumulate. Be patient with yourself.

I heard somewhere that alot of anger is really masked hurt.

Trust that God loves you enough and has the power and keeps his promises... trust that he will heal your hurt.

Hang in there.

This too shall pass.; Monday, May 01, 2006 12:10:00 AM

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