Things have been quite a roller coaster for me lately. There have been so many things happen. I have learned a few things over this time as well. Some good some not so good.

Banks love money and will take it when they want to. I found my bank in the event several checks/debits/etc come through in one day the largest amount comes out first. The date it was written or purchased has nothing to do with it. So if you make one mistake likehave one check that would go under, well they make the large one go under and then everythign else go under and not tell you or up date your acount until you make a few more purchases racking up fees all over the place. Well they just dont update the stuff on the internet, even though they push the internet banking on everyone, it cannot be trusted as they do not update it fast enough to give you an honest portrayal of what you have.

I did try at least two new recipies and one of them is great cold so I can make it and take it into work. It is using angel hair pasta and making sure its just a wee tad underdone (pasta) and then vegetables. It was a recipie I saw from the food lady at work, and I made a few modifications and its freakin great!!! I can't wait to make it again or learn a few new ones. I also made a pizza quesdillia which was real good too. But that I can only eat at home. So for now I am up to at least one food for work recipie.

Eharmony is a waste of time and money. I know that is is in alot of christian advertising all over the place. But it is expensive and a waste. I know that I should not have tried it again. I guess I was tired of being lonely and wanted to try to hope at least once more. Another tough lesson learned. Eharmony does get you a wee tad closer than other personals like Yahoo does.

Yahoo personals are a waste as well. In trying to find a christian woman of any sort is even impossible to do. Everyone was only looking for fit or athletic guys. So that kinda hurts. That even those following christ only want to go for looks. Even in finding a godly woman is just as impossible for me as a secular or atheist...well I take that back I tend to always get the woman who is atheis or wants nothing to do with God. So this hurts on an emotional and spiritual level. And the one listing I did find that she was looking for something else than just atheltic looking men, she shot me down before anything. One look at the profile and did not even try any type of communications. So that did not help my esteem, there for a few days. I just hate feeling that I may be alone and my desires for a family may never be met. Long story.

Now I did get to a budgeting seminar and feel a wee bit better about a few things. I did learn how to geta spreadsheet to do what I want it to do and made a few programming changes and voila...I have it to where it budgets so much better, I can even do pie charts now! ALl I have to do is update it manually everytime I spend anything and it does the rest....for the most part. But I can now get a much cleareer picture of where my money is going. In fact I may not know for another month but I should then know where my money is going. Such as really how much I spend on food and gas but also how much I spen on eating out. I just dont have an exact number yet, but it is coming soon. But then I can really focus on bills, debt, and giving. So I can help where I need to. I just need to take a good look of where I am first.

Now the latest thing is sorta two fold. Once again in the book "The pursuit of holiness" by Jerry Bridges I am seeing that I may have been ofcusing in on one are of life, one sin, so much that I let my guard down to some of the others. I know there are at least three major areas in life I need work on. Physical health (weight), Stewardship (finances), and Purity. So that's at least lust, greed, and pride right there. Really I only have one area of life where I walk iwth others so that battle is going better than the other two. I think I might be able to get somewhere with the finacial aspect for some type of accountability. But that still may be on the surface.

But In those three areas I only have resources for one of them to help in the battle. But in order to defeat one, as Bridges said, was that we must fight them all to fight one. And That just may be why I got back into a rut. Where my guard was so high up against one area I did not guard against anything else. In gaming terms I had put up a plus 9 wall of defense but I aided the enemy to put up a +10 damage so the wall only takes 9 and therefore the last point of damage burned.

Now the second part of that is I am feeling a middle ground coming up wich is starting to scare me. Its like a shell of my old self just building up where I am spiritual but not religious. Where I just don't feel I am in god's kingdom but I am of God at the smae time. Where I did not feel burdened as much as I do now. That and seeing that I may feel more guilt than I do convictions yet so many convictions have come lately. Maybe this shell is my own way of protecting myself again. Even thoguh I feel hurt so many times, alone, and misunderstood, I still want to be there and help out and serve. Even though in my heart I am hurting. I feel at tiems that if I were to follow God and take great joy in all he does and follow more than I am that I will be more alone than I am right now. I really do to be honest about it.

I also found at work that the photographer position was filled. I never even got the interview. I happen to see this everywhere. People moving upward and onward in jobs, marriage, life and I am sitting here loosing myself. So that is envy I guess biting at me. I read somewehre, I think from Bridges, this would be a great time to pray for those I am envious of. I am not envious I am frustrated I guess. But that is it, I do not want to pray about it. God knows what is in my heart. I feel that if I were to go back to prayer it is asking God for his will and to make me alone and suffer for no reason.

I can't finsihg this post now. Too much is flowing. There have been some good things come from this week. I just do not know where it will all lead. The ups still do not outweigh the downs.