Tonight I can't really focus in on any particular thing or devotional. It's more of a feeling of what's going on. I do feel better after my post the other day where I really got so much off my chest. I still see where I am in need of change and wander more about this calling feeling I am getting. Time to get my affairs in order. Not trying to sound depressed about it but more of an affirmation, a goal, or direction.

Tonight I read the Sermon on the mount. I have been wanting to read that for some time now. In fact I am contemplating on watching the passion again.

I have come to some conclusions, well understanding of myself and my faith. I am weak. This is true. I didn't realize how eak until recently. God does provide and provide alot, when I let him. Greed and Pride are sins of mine as well. I want, sosciety makes us want. To the extent at times we want things na dpossessions more than we do God. And Pride, well the fact I can't seem to let go fo somethings and give God control proves pride.

One point was made in sermon this weekend and showed me how selfish I am at times. Where I say and do things for a compliment or approval or something. I think that some of this comes from the abandonment issues I have from my mother.

In a nutsehll my parents divorced in march 1988. My mother remarried by May I think. Then by August she wanted to move to Florida with her new husband. She asked me and my brother who we wanted to live with. My brother quickly said dad and I gave no answer. One day we pretty much were told to pack out bags and we were off to live with our grandparents until my father could resume care of us while she went off to Florida. I was sitting on the steps to the basement and heard my mother in the livingroom talking to my grandparents. Pretty much said how worthless and lazy we were. We were only 10 and 7. We were kids. Well I was in tears. Even when we were getting in my grandparents car. Luckily I had my sunglasses on to hide them.

I only saw my mother two more times after that. She continually tries to get me and my brother to choose her side, claims my fahter lied in court and much more. She was the one that moved alot and did not tell us to where. She was the one that did not want us and left us. She was the one.....I can't keep going on like this.

But that and growing up fialry broke all the time I always dreamed of that one day when I was rich and well off or take pity on myself that who will spoil me? No one so I shall spoil myself. This started the process. Sunday I came to God will if I let him. My sins make me want so much. It clouds the correct or godly judgements.

God did bless me with some caring grandparents and a very accepting family. And is calling me into a greater family. Letting go is the hardest thing to do. I have had to be the one that was nice to myself and not deny myself certain things.....

...I have said too much tonight. I have said soooo much over these last few days. think for now I shall ponder and pray. I feel good about things. I feel sad over my sins yet I feel hopeful and good to know that there is something, someone out there watching me, feeding me, pointing me in the right direction.

Coming to grips with all this is still hard, but feels good for once. I am thankful. And thankful for the feedback from the anonymous post....