Last night's dream was a very heavy one indeed. In fact it was a long one. I did get to see two aspects of myself. Needless to say the theme was Relationships. I'll start with the later one where I had made some friends with a group of women somewhat near my age. And then I had done something to another one, that wasn't in that group and made enemies of them all. By that point there was no return. It was over, no allies no more.

I think I had done or said something to that other woman to upset her, to show my disproval at something she had done or was doing. And it backfired so bad on me. By then they were going to be enemies and twist every little thing I did or said and be a greater evil than I was or tried to be. I don't recall what it was but I did recall it justified, saw no wrong in it. But still my logic was thrown around to make me the bad guy.

Which happened in a current friendship, except I didn't mean any harm. She wants to twist everything I do and say around and make me the bad guy, that's fine. I can not work with closed minds. I hate it when I have things thrown back at me and used against me no matter. Where I can say anything good and they make it evil.

That level of immaturity and vengefulness I find that I do not look for in a woman at all. In fact its down right ungodly and wrong.

Why are there such women out there? I have found I am picky with women after all. I grow tired of immature girls looking only for someone to know everything they want, provide it, and do what they say. No one seems to want to submit to one another. Women want the "woman power" respected and not be equals. Now they want to be evil rather than make things right.

I guess these qualities remind me so much of my mother is why I despise them. Any woman like my mother I do not like. Very shallow and selfish, not willing to work things out, will take power away and not share it.

Now I do thank god very much fro my dreams. Every now and then he does give me a glimpse of what I long for and feel good. Like the first part of my dream, the one in which I took great comfort.

The lady of the dream wanted me to stir something on the stove. Just asked me to stir and keep stirring. So I did. Whatever it was kinda fluffed up and became thick. I do not know what on earth it was. I think she had asked me a question. I of course answered it and asked her back.

There was a very long silence. She made no move, I wasn't even sure she had heard me. I was about to re-ask her and with out looking away at anything she said just rest, in a calm and firm voice. There were no options, just to rest. The tone was very strong but calm. What translated was she was here to take care of me and to trust her and not worry about a thing. Just rest. She was taking care of me.

I wish I could one day meet someone like that. I would have to repay her the same ten fold just to say thanks. One that can not bend her way in the good for the other self, her partner. She was very god like in this. In fact God is too.
Just be or just do, dont ask, just relax. God is taking care of us. I forget a lot that he is taking care of us. I forget that a lot.

But in women I find that I want a godlike woman. No immaturity. One who wants to care for me and lets me care for her. Ya know the list does go on and on. It seems the ones I find that are close to this are already taken. But this woman whoever she was in my dreams I an thankful for. Those are the only times I get to see such women. Ones I know where lust will not be an issue.

I love knowing there is a woman there than an item to lust over. Which thats what most are these days. Close minded and after the sex most men realize that there is nothing to those women. Those men are just as guilty as the women.

But god and relationships really are something much grander. And it may very well bring me closer to God. And her to god alike. Someone stern enough to not break in the wind, but can sway where the wind blows as needed. These such women I know I am not worthy of nor ready for. I want one yes. But if I am that close to getting one...I would really need to grow so that I do not dishonor her or God. And one day when the time is right start a family all in the glory and honor of God.

But it comes to his will. And his will I had a dream like that. To once again feel what it would be like to have a woman truly sent from God.

In a relationship in general I have never really had to been there to or for anyone. Just myself. SO I would really have to learn to be together with anyone. Learn to submit myself to my girlfriend, companion, wife......or even to a friend, neighbor, fellow Christian. Submit to them so that they may not stumble, to let them know they are important, and to even become self-less more than selfish.

So is it God's will? I think so. Why else would he give me those dreams?

As I was instructed last night, just relax.