Tom Branch - Roads of Faith

***Disclaimer this post may contain material not suited for a younger audience. It is very open and honest and contains graphic and sexual content***

Well I do feel better to some extent. Actually I feel much better. I prayed on the forgiveness part last night. There is still much to deal with over time but just trying to find a way to lay it out before god that I can't bear this burden and need his help on it. I am sure it may come back to haunt me now and then. But as of now I am not in as much fear over it as I was.

Now my dreams are starting to get somewhat too deep. Deep as in I'm to the point of trying to analyze them. I have dreamed of sex for the last two or three nights. Not healthy sex, the unhealthy lust sex. Come to think of it I don't think I have ever truly had healthy sex, only unhealthy lust. Well the dreams were not the wam bam thank you all is well. It seemed there were negative consequences and circumstances surrounding them. Why this is I do not know.

Now I have learned a lot about my lustful desires and physical limitations. For me most times sex is a filler, like when I am bored or something. I lost the words to explain it. Now my last relationship was too much based on sex and therefore it got ruined. That was lust, there was no love. What love there was become love of the flesh and not of the person. Or of the soul of the woman I thought I loved.

That was many years ago. But long ago is also where it all started. In fact it was many years, in fact all this started when I was young, before puberty I think. Basically I found my fathers stash of Porno mags, needless to say through out time I learned much about sex both good and for every good I am sure I learned about ten times as much bad. And it has really burned so many falsehoods into my life that it is hard to get them out. Even today.

Now even though I have tried to rid myself or deal with these temptations I have learned more about myself. I did try once the lent-ish aspect, like the Movie 40 days and 40 nights, I walked away from my sexual desires for a wee bit over 40 days. I wanted to make sure I can look to women as people and not objects every time I saw one attractive. Well the backfire I learned is I was more of a sex fiend after that then I was to begin with. I was back up to masturbating multiple times a day for like a week or two. It backfired on me so bad.

So I guess I am a whore. Now I have noticed I can go for a few weeks before sex or lust becomes a desire to control again. Usually when I am deep into my devotions or have feelings for anyone will It then go longer. So this is why I see it as a filler, when I am content in a relationship or spiritual, I do not seem to desire it as much.

Now as a photographer and wanting to one day get into fine arts and some nudes this causes some cages to rattle. How can I have both. Well I am seeing more and more the line between a sexual attraction and lustful attraction. There is a sexual attraction out there and it's ok to have that. In fact if there were no sexual attraction then we would not pro-create or ever have sex. Now the lustful attraction is where things fall apart. I can look at a woman and if she is attractive I might think wow shes pretty or beautiful. Now if I were to think Oh man I wonder what one night alone with her would do....what color underwear is she wearing....oh man look at her......thats when it was gone beyond the line of a sexual attraction and now is a lustful attraction. If the desires to fornicate and lust are there after the sexual attraction then it is lust.

Now looking at my works or any works of other artists yes I can see a sexually attraction but I do not wish to take those thoughts further. And in my works I do not wish to promote lust. It is hard to explain overall I guess and hard to sway people into my logic. This is not something I am actively looking to do, it is a goal one day and I needed to look at that to illustrate this point.

Sex is powerful, yes this is true. I sometimes wonder if that was the forbidden fruit as it seems to cause more damage than anything else. But I am seeing more past the flesh and into the person. This I like. This is good. I will still have a sexual attraction to some women, but its the lustful ones that get me. IN fact the day I started going to sojourn was my last lustful transaction with another person. And I am wanting to take a baseball bat to my head for giving in so easily. Kinda strange, doing the nasty, taking a nap then going to sojourn for the first time.

Now months later, I am seeing changes in my thoughts of how I view things. And I do struggle at times with lust, but it is typically in private times. I do despise lust as when one of my friend was looking at one of my models the noises he was making, well I was very uncomfortable with that. These are people I know and not there to get anyone off. Man does that disgust me. I am here to make art and capture expressions. I am not here to make porn or masturbation material.

I was ok with all of this until last nights dream was about one of my models. And this irks me to some extent. But with me trying to get past my own lusts The story in that dream and the one the night before, does tell me to watch out. to not base anything from lust and when I give into that it changes everything bonds are broken and people loose respect for one another.

Why this stuff comes out in a dream is beyond me. All I am trying to do is get it under control. Then again since I have been doing some variant of all this since I was 7 or 8, it is easier said than done.

Once when I was in school, actually shortly after I started going to church in Nashville me and a friend were commenting on a Pornography destroys....might have been child pornography.....I defended porn, or just taking pictures of naked people. Well fast forward a few years and I can see that pornography does harm. Even after watching the movie 8MM (millimeter) it was a dark road dare not traveled. And the main character does get burned. There is more to it but the lesson learned is this"whenever you dance with the devil you don't change him. The devil changes you." I find so much truth to this. Even though when I first saw the porno mags back when I was a kid, I wasn't dancing to change the devil, but it seems I was dancing all along.

The other part that messed with me was I thought I was Bi but thats not the case either. As I discovered I was just sexual, if there were anyone having sex or doing anything sexual it was fire onto whatever lusts I had at the time. I cant believe how much Lust has engulfed me at times. to the point of foolishness. And being that is a part of my past only a mere part of who I was and am. This I do not wish to be. I have done some sick stuff in the name of lust. Typically I defend my own actions but growing up to what I have today looking back, how could I have stopped myself? That's one part I will have to live with how sick I was.

This is what gets me now. I am making new friends and really walking along the road back towards Christ and every now and then I look at these people and ask how can they be my friends? How can the even be next to me when I am a sick freak? Or was rather? Much like a tv show, I have had a few real bad seasons, Even though now the show is getting good ratings, I do not want to show them the bad ones in fear I may scare them off.

I want to be honest and not hide. To sin is one thing, but to deny that sin very well may be the greater sin. I cannot believe that I have said this much, but by God's grace I do.

One day I do hope to marry. Would hope to find a wife I can confide everything in and she still be by my side. One where I can start a family with and teach my children differently. Make sure that the cycle is not repeated. Otherwise I am not sure how I can repent or even truly fix these sins I have had in the past.

I am only human. I have not always had a clear path before me. Being hurt from my childhood I hid in my own shell. And in that shell was great sins. Looking in the mirror and seeing that fear is one of the chains that keeps me bound to myself, my past, and my sins. I must overcome this in order to become the man God is calling me to be. He has helped me to learn who I am so much over these last few months and is no where near done. I am sorry if I have scared anyone away with this post. but it is the truth. And on my heart to tell this story. And this has been the rated G version, as my story is more of the rated R. In fact there are so many sins that all lead into the other that I do not have many sins, I consider it all my sin.

Confession is only the first step of many. And if it is layers deep, then each layer has a confession. This is my journey. It is time to confront my sin, the chains of fear, and finding the x factor that I still hold onto and cannot give to God truly. In order to move beyond I must confront not only what lies hidden, but what lies dormant. With help, accountability, honesty, and the grace of God I shall do this. I shall make it.

For those who read this far I thank you and congratulate you.

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