Curent mood: contemplative

Well reading that book I got some good insight and saw it form a different perspective. All for good. Its kind of one of those that's woah. Heavy to take on as it sheds light on it being on such a grander scale than once beleived.

I am also thinking how to do something. Could this be my calling? Or challenge of the call. I am wanting to do soething that has meaning. I have an idea and will see about getting it in motion. I want to help others likein anti-drug campaigns or life changing events....well death to sins and birth to a renewed life. But for that I would need to live a better example...and am I ready for that? Is it my calling? Or another idea of the month?

Relationships, this year has been a redefining of such for me. We now have, what we beleive, my mothers most current address. SO now what do I do? Now I will ponder how and what to say to her. Ill keep it short, write her, tell her to write back and include a S.A.S.E. and extra paper so she cnnot turn it down....well have less reason to. Maybe after all this time it is time to confront her.

ALso want to confront my brother, ask his forgiveness for all the hell I put him through as a terrible brother. And let him know that I am sorry, and I do love him, and want to help and see him better. He really is going through alot right now and may be beyond traditional help. He really needs to be hospitolized for treatment. But he refuses to see that. I want to try this method that would put the power all on him. Get him and NIV bible and the Purpose Driven Life.

Then I want to confront my father on my family's history, the early relationship of him and my mother and family in general. I want to know more about his falling out from God. As he used to be a preacher. Now its hard to ask him anythng about church. And his lifestyle isnt exactly church standard these days.

So here I have it. My family and the relationships with each of them. Then there is myself and where god is leading me. Seems I have more in prayer once again. With my family there is no promise that I can get through to any of them, if at all. But I still wish to try. I know that opening some of these doors may cause some pain and inernal suffering. But I feel this needs to be done. As long as I keep my focus on God knowing that he will be there when I am confronting, and afterwards for better or worse.

I hope I am right in my beleif that this is what God want's me to do.......but if it's his will that's different. I feel he wants me to so that I can get ready in moving onward in my faith and relationship with him.

And yet again I wanted to take time for a few notes and ended up with a story. Maybe I should become a writer. Then again I would love to write a book one day.