Tonight was a very observational night. I was able to hang out with an old roommate and watch a baseball game in the nice chilly weather. And I did not bring a jacket. I'm smart, a genius, in fact a 120 IQ. Anyways.

I could tell were many of my old habits came from, in different surroundings. Even towards my best friend I feel different around him as well. Have I moved on from my friends? Shedding the old for the new lil by lil, bit by bit?

As tonight my friend pointed out every attractive woman and if he got a good view of her butt made his usual comment. Now being the carnal, well the human mind I have of course thoughts entered in my mind but I didn't welcome those thoughts. Slowly I am gaining power over them. Maybe I have objectified women for so long. Or I see the body but do not see the person inside. I know that's all my friend wanted. Don't get me wrong he is a good friend, but I can tell a HUGE difference in my friends that are in Christ and those that are not. And I don;t want to be around them as much as I once did.

This is odd. A blessing in disguise may haps? Who knows. But I realize that lust is only one sin that rules us and enslaves us. As does anger. And maybe that could be the next obstacle I face.

In fact my family and anger, well its has been known to each other. There was of course the generational gap like my grandfather and father, uncle, and aunt.....that was a different time to grow up in. So some traits passed on to my generation but most comes from the events with my mother. Now here comes the fun part and how the past may haunt the present. My brother had to go into the hospital again. Something about his anger. Not sure as to what.

My dad talked to him and tried to make sense of it all. It seems that since august that he has been harboring much anger off and on. He has been in the hospital a lot. Now he does have more going for him these days. He has really made a lot of progress and even has a wife now. And she is doing everything to help and pick up when his life gets bad. I only met her once but she is really supporting my brother and he really does have a gift in her. For that I am thankful to have her as a sister in law.

So tonight my dad calls me and asks how close I was to finding where my mother lives. We have not been sure but we know she was, may still be, in Alabama. He thinks that if he can sit her down and try to work through some of these issues. I know I too have some issues to deal with her on. Confronting the source of pain, anger, and suffering after so many years....who knows.

My dad told my brother that he needs to learn to control this or it will control him. And it seems it is. Anger does control a lot. Its a huge drain on the spirit of one's soul. I have come long ways with my anger and so has my father. But it has not been all fun and peaches (yes I made this up and since people love the weirdness I will use it more now) but we now are at least ok enough that we have out own ways. We are ok now and if we are angry, fine be angry. Just don't dwell on it and come back to things.

Anger is no stranger to my family. Lately from my journey I do not know that I have the same anger towards my mother than I did. I don't think my brother is that far along facing his demons. He seems to have more to face than I do. This I fear that it may overtake him. I know that it takes a while to deal with anger. Even now at times I may have short bursts, but I fight to not let it overwhelm. Once it overwhelms it takes over everything. from frustration, feeling down and depressed, to hurting ones self or others, to not caring.

I think I may need to get a small vacation to chill out with him to see what's going on. That and I guess it's time to have some family time and learn more of what really has been happening on the sidelines, from my mother, father, brother and grandparents.

Its been a long seventeen years of struggles since that crazy year known as 1988.