Tom Branch - Roads of Faith

Monday set the tone and changed the course of this week. In fact it started at one point as as a long train ride, was an adventure and now has stopped at a station with thoughts all around.

Monday I read all but the first two chapters of A.W. Tozer's Pursuit of God. I already had the first two chapters read. It was very addicting. I was left convicted and felt my heart was ripped out of my body and dipped into a bucket of razors and then the bucket filled with vinegar. I was in tears at two different points in the book. I was in some good prayer and fell asleep peaceful. I woke up and still felt it in me.

Then everything changed after that. I got an email that through me off. It was a misunderstanding and due to a bad night I was the one that took the brunt of an attack. Now the email was fine and understandable but the one line that threw me off was it attacked my faith. And then I got a nice visit from an old friend, Anger.

I was so angry I was in prayer a lot that day. I even talked to two different friends to help me try to remain my focus. They both were encouraging and it helped me through it. It was from God they were able to help me.

Now that day at work I could not focus. So I kept notepad opened and typed out all my thoughts throughout the day. That and I was in prayer a lot. I came to a few conclusions or revelations of where I am. It wasn't pretty. Even though I was the one wronged it was my relationship with me and God that was in test. I saw that from my reaction to that email, I still have much to work on in my heart and God. It's not depressing at all, in fact I was glad to see it.

So here are my notes this week. It really is a lot of questions but all shows me where we as christians today seem to be, and where I am personally.

I. From Pursuit of God
The presence of a veil in my heart is deep cutting. Even in my walk, self has lived un-rebuked at the alter before God. Much as the man in the mirror, it is not hard to identify but only have to look into my heart from God. This is who I am not what I do.

We dare not rest content with a neat doctrine of self-crucification.

So far I am seeing how bad I am in self. So much is for me that i do not take time in relationship with God.

We hide our face from God even though he has seen more of it than we ever will. Yet when we will give our accounts to him what shall we do? Run away form knowing our sins will be revealed in a very real and uber frightening way? When we run from that very day and turn to see him in our face, nose to nose all of the sudden, will we drop to our knees? Will we ask repentance? Will we come to him as saints or sinners?

The thought and fear of hell might cause some to come as saints full of self. Others drop in unworthiness knowing full well sin. What shall I do? If a book brings me to tears over my sins then what will I do upon that day when I am called to give an account?

When I put too much or any faith in man I was and am lonely. For one man can be measured. There is no need of faith in man as his actions measure him. For it is wanting that faith in man to journey with, befriend, whatever...it is then that I am lonely. Yet when I seek that faith in God whom cannot be measured, I am not alone or lonely. When I seek him he becomes real and fulfills more than any man can. He cannot let me down. Yet my expectations can and do in man or self (let me down, or anyone)

II. Tuesdays notes
No matter how angry I am I still have no rights thus.

I am on the defensive so it shows how much I value my own worth or faithfulness.

I know where I am in my faith with Christ and should put my refuge in him not I.

I know meekness is where I need some work and brokenness.

Putting my value and securities in man is what keeps me lonely and alone.

I should not worry what others think of me as I know, I hope, what God thinks of me.

I feel like I am loosing control, but then isn't that what the Christian walk is about? Not being in control and letting God in control? And steward only what he has given us? Do we really claim this much as our own, even control?

When someone wrongs us why do we stay angry at them? Or get mad at all? Isn't it God's will that happened? Why do we take it upon ourselves to want to right the wrong or revenge? Are we not supposed to grant grace and forgiveness? (I know we are)

It is hard for us to give up things, control, anger, justification as it gives us entitlement and covers our insecurities (while we have it we have value) and cannot and more often do not give it to God.

That Was Monday and Tuesday. That is a lot of stuff in two days. But something slipped. Self came back in and so did some of my old sins. They are current sins as I am alive, but I want to call them old since I do not want them anymore. I have not been as close in my devotions as I was monday and tuesday. I can feel the difference.

There is more I read that has been grasping a conviction upon my heart. I went back and re-read some in the Studies in the Sermon on the Mount from Dr. Martin Lloyd Jones. I have read those chapters previously mind you. And they were not as deep or hit home as they did when I read them this week.

From the chapter Blessed are the merciful

We are not meant to control our Christianity; our Christianity is rather meant to control us... (it is a fallacy to think in any other way, and to say, for example, To be truly Christian I must take up and use Christian teaching and then apply it...the position rather is that my Christianity controls me; I am to be dominated by the truth because I have been made a Christian by the operation of the Holy Spirit within. Pg82

Now that is also cutting. It takes self, out of the equation. We are not in control. You can even take it so far as to have control since you have a choice. But the focus is not control self to Christianity but to follow la Christian life by works of the Holy Spirit. It's not about keeping tabs of who is in control. It is about obediently following. That's what I believe from this.

The trouble is letting go. To anything that delivers you to sin. Anything primary to god are the first things on the list. Friends, family, idols, self...especially self. When we carry our cross we don't get a carry on bag. We seem to be able to let go of everything but ourselves. That is the most difficult.

Now I sit here wandered back away a slight now missing where i was Monday evening. And in that process of being broken I was broken again in seeing that there are more issues in my heart to work on. I was amazed, actually frightened, how much anger controlled me. Then came mercy and forgiveness. Which Those are areas in life where love has not been allowed in my heart.

At times I do not know who i am anymore. This week showed me how much I want to seek him, yet how much anger and pride I have inside me. I look at that person and ask who is he? Am I he? There is no way. Either God is breaking me of my old self into a new creation or he is bringing me out to be the man I am and the man he calls me but peeling away at the new self that has taken on the clothing of the world.

I have been a child outside in the world playing in the mud. And when it comes time to go home there he is in his whitest robes trying to clean me up. Trying to take off the evil filthy and dirty clothes and I am trying to keep them on.

Seeing oneself for who they are is a hard thing to see. Yet I do not want him to stop showing me. I don't want to stop being broken. I have seen glimpses of the veil being torn down and in the light I saw it was not only god it was I the one I am in Christ was also tearing down the walls. He is there. During those glimpse I felt a freedom I do not get to see very often.

The tears this week have been from joy and freedom. Some of shock after seeing myself of evil.

Also Tuesday there were two things that brought me relief in all this that helped me maintain focus. Well one was selfish pleasure (Mama's Family will be on dvd) but it was the song Amazing grace.

Amazing Grace how sweet the sound
that saved a wretch like me

2 Comments:

Lorie said...: Just wanted to say what a joy it is to see God growing and changing you. Thanks for being transparent and honest. God works most in humble hearts.; Tuesday, August 22, 2006 3:17:00 PM
Anonymous said...: Some precious reflections, brother. May God give you the grace to be ruined and renovated by the gospel.; Thursday, August 24, 2006 10:58:00 AM

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