Well yesterday was my first day back in a month. And it was a very mixed day for me. I see a pattern in the sermons, it takes roughly about half an hour to get to the good stuff then the sermon is just deep. But thats not a bad thing. But it is a pattern.

But the sad part is the uncaring ways that the cliques occur. However there were two who never seem to give me to time of day actually said hi, and one of them it was an actual conversation while passing by. That was awesome. But early off I was asked how I was doing, I said I was glad Derby was over (since I work for the newspaper derby is a big deal for me) and then several others jumped in the conversation and the guy I was talking to walked away from me. I wanted to celebrate that the worse season was over for me. I wanted to tell a friend...and he walked away

That hurt. So I stayed angry at him for the day. I hurts to feel invisible like that, to feel that I am unworthy of a friends ear and heart. That I had something that was good an I was not allowed to have that, in stead I was told of others who lost money on bets.

I told them straight up that I did nto care. So I came across a mean cuss once again, but ya know what...I don't care. I was entitled to something and I was given what I did not want. I was given that in which I wanted away from. It was the day after so why was I having to continue the topics of Derby? The topic was that derby was OVER, the key word here was OVER not derby. Someone did not listen to my sentence. ANyways that was the fault of the others not my friend.

But before I could finish talking to him he gets up and walks away. SO I waited seeing when he would come back. I was there for about 5 minutes sitting looking pathetic again. Then when another friend came by and was glad to see I was back, did then the friend realise I was upset and hurt.

One of the reasons I stopped going for a month was the fact that I was tired of being hurt every week, being invisible and not worthy of christian fellowship. Yet this was one of the first things that hit me when I went yesterday. I am not mad at him, he did appolagize several times, but I am angry that it happened.

It was not all bad as there were several people I was able to talk to and thent he two passerbys that was awesome. Actually that made me feel better. Part of it was me as I was worn out from work. As usual. So I tend to be more sensative when I am worn out.

In fact I was asked if I was able to follow up or look into an email I received about a dance studio, and I wanted to cry. As once again the thgouth ot work stopping me from living or having any social life came back. I told him that until I get a new life or new job, I am being punished and cannot have a life until then. Until then, it seems every attempt is meaningless as it get me back to the fact, the C-J owns me and I should tahnk and praise them for *@#^(#&*(%(###%^$# $#%%^&% my life away.

I have been looking for a new job for over a year now. So far nothing but empty promises that are taken away from me only after things look good. Now back to the 15 minutes of sermon that was deep, it did touch me, as I am sure it did so many others.

For one I see that in my situation of work taking the life out of me and denying me the opprotunity to get out and be with friends when they are outor going back to school, or learning something having a life.....that sojourn for me has a dual purpose. For one it is there for me spiritually for the sermons, but it is the only social event I get to have. I seek christian fellowship for well fellowship to journey and grow just to even be with other christians and then to be social. And then it gets a clique and then it hurts when I walk around or others drop a conversation with me and then ignore me standing there waiting for them to finish.

So this is good and bad the good is the desire for christian fellowship, and the bad is the fact it is the only social activity I can have. I end up hurt everyweek. Starts off socially hurt, then it comes to effect my fellowship with others. Now its double bad.

Then the double minded aspect. I did not take that passage in James as double minded that way. But the way it was used, made sense. When I hear a part in sermon or prayer I think how it effects me and drift off alot. So my time with God is not always there completely anyways.

So I know that this interferes with my spiritual time and only renders it to Sunday worship and then struggle the 6 other days of the week. This needs work internally yet also externally in the means that the cliques have got to stop. I know this hurts both members and visitors there each week.

As far as my quest goes, I know I need work on this area in creating intimacy with God. There are earthy factors such as work keeping me in the pits of hell on earth and preventing me from moving upward and yet there are times when things seem too far up that I need something down here on earth to climb back upward.

So that is one place to vist on this journey.