It is not the path that I would have hoped for. It stil does not give me a calling in life, yet I feel that the path that is being laid out in front of me is the path I need to take. The path I was on was a path twoards God with needless pain and suffering.

The new path is welll I already know the pains I will have to go through, yet have pain be redefined. Or pain with a reason, as a process not an end result.

This is not just another depressing rant, I know that the path for me is going to be internal now. I will still be there as community group leader and serve at Jeff street, even taking photos for church. Yet I will tone down the photos at church until a better system is worked out where I am not feeling a burden on the church to take them. Yes me a burden to them.

Anyways it comes down to this, a path I have traveled before but very differently. No one really has a good grasp on anger. Well very few do, at least in understanding it. It is a monster that dwells up inside and then manfiests itself into something else. It hides and is deceptive withing itself to the point of it not being there, at least by definition. It turns into a lot of internal hurt and suffering. Yet it is labeled as you are a beast with anger, not suffering from it.

Yet I can say that those in anger do suffer. Does this make me a mean person? No I still have a heart, still have dreams and desires and can still get hurt. No I am not a beast but there are aspects of me that no one knows about. Or may never know. No one has gotten that close...............at least to know.

So actually no one really knows me. Only the Tom they want to see which is a fraction of a fraction of what they think they know or see on the outside.

This is going to take others. I am going to need, as I already have started, to let others in on what I am feeling more often. At least with human interaction not blogwise. This journey is going to be rough and require much pain. Its time for some redefinition. It is time to get intimate with others and God.

The one thing that brought me to tears much faster than enything else ever was reading that "It is NOT a matter of simply saying a prayer and leaving it at the cross." I was in tears. Finally someone dared to say something truthful. I have always heard to just leave it at the cross which made me feel it was MY FAULT since I prayed to leave it there, yet still suffered or struggled. SO then I must have prayed wrong? And besides when I hear that it feels so irresponsible for a christian to do that to run up and say I don't want this responsability Lord take it from me. Then walk away.

In actuality, it takes more than that. It is never that easy. Yet one man came up to say that it was not. I felt there was someone that finaly understands. I do not want to go back down this road, my past, again. Yet I must. Anger is not an outcome. It is an internal process that has many meanings. Its deceptive lies alter reality.

This is going to hurt. Better get ready to start walking.