***Please note this was written in poetic form. I needed a way to get my feelings out. This is how I feel right now. God has left me alone in my walk by man and him, he has hidden his face from me, he leaves me angry, frustrated, and hurt...I feel he may wish me condemned. A few people have emailed and commented on this blog, but the feelings are still there. This is a curse upon me and to difficult to work through of my own power, yet I cannot cal upon god's power. ***


Where are you?
I see you here and there
But not with me
I do not feel you
I live downcast.

You say seek and you shall find
I have sought and I have not found.

I feel alone
I do not feel you
So alone I feel
How can I trust?

My cross I cannot bear alone
I wish to take upon your yoke
But you will not help me take off mine.

Humbly I came to you
or so I felt with my heart
And now only feel that you wish to condemn me to hell
Is so far all I am getting in return.

For hours each day I hear only my voice
The voice you despise.
Even in crowds I am not there.

When I am weakest where are you?
The red man finds me
Very often he does.

So I go onward living
living only for me
The very one thing you ask me to give you
The only thing you gave me
And you ask leaving me with nothing.

Where are you?
I cannot step off the cliff without you
My faith is very little
And running lower

Yes I have heard this life would be hard
Nothing was said about lonely
nothing was said about self inflicted pain.

I did not want to believe psalm 77
I wanted to take up my sins
As it was me who hid from you
But no it was right all along
How long will you hide from me?

Your words are not comforting any more
Even listening to the red man
He is not satisfying
Both leave me without
I cannot take solace in your words right now

I feel empty with you
I feel empty without you
This is why I feel condemned

You give me many desires to change
desires to grow
desires to become
desires to become family with all your children

And you leave me wandering.
Angry
frustrated
hurt
and alone.

Maybe one day I can ask to seek you again
Until then
forgive me
but I cannot call upon your name

Until I know again that I have not been orphaned