***Please note this was written in poetic form. I needed a way to get my feelings out. This is how I feel right now. God has left me alone in my walk by man and him, he has hidden his face from me, he leaves me angry, frustrated, and hurt...I feel he may wish me condemned. A few people have emailed and commented on this blog, but the feelings are still there. This is a curse upon me and to difficult to work through of my own power, yet I cannot cal upon god's power. ***


Where are you?
I see you here and there
But not with me
I do not feel you
I live downcast.

You say seek and you shall find
I have sought and I have not found.

I feel alone
I do not feel you
So alone I feel
How can I trust?

My cross I cannot bear alone
I wish to take upon your yoke
But you will not help me take off mine.

Humbly I came to you
or so I felt with my heart
And now only feel that you wish to condemn me to hell
Is so far all I am getting in return.

For hours each day I hear only my voice
The voice you despise.
Even in crowds I am not there.

When I am weakest where are you?
The red man finds me
Very often he does.

So I go onward living
living only for me
The very one thing you ask me to give you
The only thing you gave me
And you ask leaving me with nothing.

Where are you?
I cannot step off the cliff without you
My faith is very little
And running lower

Yes I have heard this life would be hard
Nothing was said about lonely
nothing was said about self inflicted pain.

I did not want to believe psalm 77
I wanted to take up my sins
As it was me who hid from you
But no it was right all along
How long will you hide from me?

Your words are not comforting any more
Even listening to the red man
He is not satisfying
Both leave me without
I cannot take solace in your words right now

I feel empty with you
I feel empty without you
This is why I feel condemned

You give me many desires to change
desires to grow
desires to become
desires to become family with all your children

And you leave me wandering.
Angry
frustrated
hurt
and alone.

Maybe one day I can ask to seek you again
Until then
forgive me
but I cannot call upon your name

Until I know again that I have not been orphaned

Will I snap out of this? Will I come out of the depths of my anguish? On the surface things are not that bad. Deeper they very well may be.

Not all has been bad. A friend came over late Saturday night and we talked some gospel stuff. It really did help. I found some great insight on the way somethings have been for me lately. It actually has given me an anchor point to start off again. I have been reading scripture again.

But still at work I judge. I still get tempted and sin badly, speak ill of others and more. BUt it seems that the book of James is speaking more clearly to me right now.

Don’t speak evil against each other, dear brothers and sisters. If you criticize and judge each other, then you are criticizing and judging God’s law. But your job is to obey the law, not to judge whether it applies to you. God alone, who gave the law, is the Judge. He alone has the power to save or to destroy. So what right do you have to judge your neighbor? James 4:11-12 (New Living Translation)

I am a resistant hard headed, Um I could insert a nice expletive here, but I won't. Even last night I still did the same thing. I did not want to follow. I wanted to show my disgust at the powers that be (at work).

I am still trying to learn to trust God. It is still difficult when I pray for forgiveness and repentance and I still live enslaved tot he same sins over and over. It gets hard to simply follow.

I am so not a morning person and it takes me a long time to get up and started. So I can;t really have a morning devotional. But at nights when i really need to like after community group or service on Sundays, the time I need to stop and focus, I have to go to work. It gets forgotten. It becomes something to do like a checklist of social activities. Then i go to work. I go from supportive Christians, to nothing. Into a world where performance is demanded and perfection as well.

So the life worked out for me is going off into the wilderness alone. very frequently. Then I come home and the roommates are asleep so I have even more time alone. My sins are selfish. And so far life works out for me being alone alot. God said in the bible it is not good for man to be alone. Yes I am alone ALOT.

How can I trust him right now? I find it harder to believe the word these days. I see so many others around me that have help or a support system and I get the ones that are married or always busy.

So following God is a very lonely road? And I am to just follow? Bear burdens alone? Have an ever burning desire for marriage and Christian relationships but not get them?

It is not God who tempts me to sin, but the devil. But God does not seem to be delivering me from these sins. I feel he is just leaving me there. I now see that Satan is really warring with me. He hits me when i am weak at work, alone for hours after work, and away from other Christian fellowship pointing each other towards Christ. So God has left me alone and Satan is attacking then.

Right now I am not really falling completely for either God or Satan.

Next the devil took him to the peak of a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their glory. "I will give it all to you," he said, "if you will kneel down and worship me." Matthew 4:8-9 (New Living Translation)

So there we have some insight. Satan does the same to me but instead of the nations ofthe world it is my desires, thoughts, all my hearts desires. He gives me the visions of power and happiness. But Ihave not caved in and started following him. Yet at the same time I don't follow God as much to counter this because it hurts. And I feel I cannot completely trust in him.

I am alone in my own strength so many times, or at least the strength he gave me, but that works like a glass filled up to the top and told to hit the hot desert where it evaporates quickly. So I am always going back for more. but the watering hole is not always nearby.

So here I am. Left alone by God and attacked by Satan when I am weakest. I love this journey and am also hating it at the same time. Yes the Christian life is hard, but I feel it is more lonely than hard.

What have I done to anger him so much to not love me in this way? Not love me by leaving me so alone and allowing these sins to come through.

Why?

I am stuck between a cross and a hard place.

"The old cross is a symbol of death. It stands for the abrupt, violent end of a human being. The man in Roman times who took up his cross and started down the road had already said good-bye to his friends. He was not coming back. He was going out to have it ended. The cross made no compromise, modified nothing, spared nothing, it slew all of the man, completely and for good. It did not try to keep on good terms with its victim. It struck cruel and hard, and when it had finished its work, the man was no more." A.W. Tozer, the Best of.

I know I have quoted this before. But this is where my soul wants to go. But in the midst of it all my heart is not at the same place. This story is familiar.

..."I’ve obeyed all these commandments,” the young man replied. “What else must I do? Jesus told him, “If you want to be perfect, go and sell all your possessions and give the money to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me." But when the young man heard this, he went away sad, for he had many possessions...Matthew 19:20-22 (New Living Translation)

I am right where this guy is. The weight of my cross is heavier than I ever could have imagined. I am come to the shadow of my cross over these last few years. And I see it and run. I hear what God asks me to surrender and I run. It hurts to even ponder it.

Labels: A journey becoming