I have been away so long that I forgot how interacting with other christians makes me think. Tonight I made the comment:

A few days before Christmas I went into a funk, then I got sick, and when I get better things are going to get taken care of.

That is the order of events and now being sick, well let's just say that I see areas that need improvement. Not only in my own life but in others. I feel there are a few folks that I need to be stern with and tell them how I see and feel things are. But I hope that i can do so in a loving, caring, and christian manner.

But even formyself I see there is much need for change, well imporovement would be a better word. Tonights sermon what i could get out of it before my mind wandered away really did keep in check with one of the Larry Crabb cd's I have. The old way of laws was banished with the new ways of the cross. I think I have that right. Whereas old ways we did things in order to gain favor etc but in the new way we have not the power only christ.

This is where I am at. Is trying to figure out what it is that I am doing that seeks myself and not that of Christ. Why can I not put to death things in my life. Maybe becasue we forget about God and we do not completly understand death.

Now the cycle I spoke of the misbeleif theory is that there is a higher power as we cannot be here without one. We cannot exist out of nothingness and my brains shuts down when i try to fathom the slightest aspect of it. So there is a God yes?

This ties into the arguemnt that me and a friend had that sent me inti the funk over the holidays. It comes down to a matter of faith. There is no way to prove the bible, no way to prove God nor is there a way to prove existance from nothingness. How can anyone say there is not God or higher power? This baffles me. How can you explain it when we are made from a first this then that, yet with faith it is just do it.

Anyways this brings me back to stop trying, or try not to try, to do things and let it up to God. Really focus in on mhim rather than the issue. While some issues God wants us tot take care of but while we are doing it that is when to do it for God not becasue we were told to. This is where I fail, is forgetting this in light of God.

It still scares me that knowing all this I try I may still end up in hell. Or anyone for that matter.

Now one thing that I feel that I have missed out on in christianity is the power of self. Even the batitudes picks up on this is that self will get you no where. But to think of others think of God above ourselves. See mark 10:45 as each version tells it differently one tells of a slave, one a minster, and one a servant. It does hit on the fact that Christ was here not for himself but for others, for all. To be more Christlike is to seek others.

Maybe this is one area where I can improve upon and think of others and serve them. To serve more than I am or have. I have spent much time on myself that I have forgot others. Especially in my prayers. I end up praying for myself more than others. Thinking my world needs fixing the most yet when I do not persevere for others I am seeking myself.

I have been trying to fix my own vessel I do not give help to others ships passing by in the seas of life. And when I do sometimes it feels only to help to build up my ship in some trade-off.

When things are bad do we stil seek God? Not me. I get wrapped up in wanting things to get better like I have done good and want him to heal me faster.Even a noble reasoning yes, it is not a God centered logic.

Taking it to the cross, taking it to the new covenant...I am starting to see a picture of what this means but I know that i am far off from this.

After missing sermon for a few weeks, I was glad that I went to the one tonight. It did me some good. If even to get back around others to help me refocus. Hopefully soon I will heal. And then get started on fixin up a few things, god willing that is.

If I want greater community on community group....I need to bring community to others.

More thoughts to come.

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