Tom Branch - Roads of Faith

These last few days have been wild on me spiriutally, emotionaly and physically. I have been sick and it got wrose. So I had to go in and sign a bunch of crap to get medicince becasue to too many meth heads using the good meds to create drugs with it. So I got the good stuff called Claritin D, it knocks the stuff right outta my system. That and I have gotten alot of sleep but have accomplished pretty much nothing. So I am behind and my areas of the apartment are a mess, well disorganized.

But the beef of this all is the thoughts and emotions I have been going through these last few days. I confronted two factors that I feel feel by the wayside and thus really hurt some relationships and spirituality with me. Well in confronting one of the issues some of it got turned on me. It was not supposed to be about me but the questions asked, really had to get me thinking and the same old questions seemed to come up having to face them with an external source, sorta hurt.

After several lengthy emails we did get much sorted out, but I had to recall many other thoguhts and feelings. I do not know if a blog is safe for that info here or not. As now several others are involved but seeing how many relationships that were Godly that had me growing in Christ all seemed to drift away or became empty these last few months. I know life happens, but being back to no one but my own thoughts...I am trying to let his will be done. Yet I am tired of not having others to walk with towards Christ.

Then I must admit that Sojourn, is full of many cliques. Every week now after sermon I try to talk to others, everyone is too busy, ignore me, already have plans, the end result is I end up walking around alot by myself looking for others to connect to, talk to, maybe set up a cup of coffee with later in the week. So I end up walking around standing by myself looking like a poor sap. This is growing tiresome. I thoguth things were lonely with my secular or anti-godly friends.

I am finding it harder to find any supportive relationships going on. It as if I give off some radar that no one has told me about that causes others to run from me.

So on top of being asked why I was lonely and cannot make friends to which I have no idea, as my answer was welcome to my life. This happens all over again and again. But I keep on going as best I can. One relationship this year it was said he felt he could no longer help me in my quest in growing spiritualy.

Well with the other one it looks like it was a lack of God centeredness that we hope to change in group. I hope I can help my group becoem more God centered and bring back the sense of community that I so greatly desire and lack. But I know that some folks have a habit nad not listening to me. I mean I cannot persuade or get anyone motivated to joing in on a quest or anything. I cannot even sell to my friends and family. Does no one trust me? This is why I am scared to share the gospel. I may get part of it wrong or no one to believe me. Only creating a larger drift in that persons beleifs. So I guess I am not a motivator or persuader, a bringer of truth that is not listened to.

Maybe one day I can tell soemone and I not get discredited. I cannot even tell my best friend of the Bible. Not even my father as I tried when i was younger to get him into church, it could have made a great way to heal him my brother, and myself after the divorce. yet as my best friend, I got a harsh tone of voice making me feel saddened that I ever brought it up.

Then I am seeing thigns in the news that the christian life is coming under fire and scruntiny. I really don't know what to do. All I can do is take it to prayer but it does not soothe my soul as it keeps burning for a working peace. I seem to be getting burned everywhere I am looking to those I would consider or want close to me.

The voices in my head (my own thoughts and feelings) and God is all I seem to have. I will keep fighting. That's all I can do. Why is it easy for others to have support and those in their lives that are there for them and nurish relationships and even ones who are blessed to have others to walk with them in christ and grow together spiritualy? And others do without? Why can some tell others of Christ and at least get a spark with them and those like me where no one wants to listen or tell me I am wrong in a condscending tone?

The christian life is so much more lonely yet I do not feel like giving up no where near as badly as I did. The only examples I have seen of christians, well they seem to stick to themselves therefore cliques.

To be honest I think I would rather talk to a brick wall, my conversations would go so much better.

But in the news Sharon loosk close to death, the guy form the 700 club says its becasue he gave away part of Isreal, Dr. Mohler upset many homosexuals and much christian bashing has started, Italy there is a court case to prove there was no Christ as it was based on a different person...an actual court case on the footsteps of the headquarters of the church...catholic anyways, then the catholic vs protestants....division, diviosn, division. We may be coming into an age where we may be required to stand up for our God...but everyone has the same God? Everyone is right and everyone is wrong...so where does truth fit in?

4 Comments:

Bobby said...: You made a lot of points here -- perhaps too many to address in one blog comment, but I'll just mention one:

It can be very stressful after church, during that fellowship time. I know many people who feel this way. I certainly do. Sometimes I wander around, lost, or I look for a group of friends and stand by them, not really contributing to the conversation -- just taking up space in a group so I won't look awkward by taking up space alone.
Also, I think many people, myself included, are used to using that time to "conduct business" rather than make/ grow friendships. Sometimes I'm sure I pass right by people that I could welcome or converse with because I need to talk to someone about the songwriting group or Travelogue.

One friend told me one time that she could tell I wasn't listening to her -- that I was looking right past her. And the truth is, I was. I had been waiting to speak to one of the pastor/ elders, who was in the midst of a conversation. I kept looking at him to see if he was done because I didn't want him to get away before I could talk to him. So I'm sure stuff like that happens all the time.
In fact, I know it does because I can remember times when I saw a friend and really wanted to talk or see if they wanted to make plans for later, yet as soon as I approached them I got, "Hi -- um, excuse me, I need to catch somebody real quick."
That's the kind of stuff that is just always going to happen when you have a big crowd of people in one place.
It's one of the hardest things to take as a divorced person -- when you're married, you know there is at least one person in the building that is closer to you than anyone else there, and in fact will be leaving with you at the end of the day. It sucks being single, but it's part of life, I guess.

Just know that you're not alone in these thoughts. Even the people at Sojourn that we consider the most popular are often conflicted with the same doubts as we are.; Sunday, January 08, 2006 9:53:00 AM
Paul Tackett said...: conservative churches often address the the external attacks against God's people. I would not make light on those types of attacks, and the attacks are very concerning. What very seldom gets addressed are the internal conflicts in churches, whether it be actual church communities or individuals. All of us struggle, and our "self-preserving" culture looks down on those who show signs of weakness, and I myself am guilty of it. So if you can take comfort in anything, take comfort that you are not alone in your feelings, and that Sojourn is not the only church that has these issues. Remember that our fight is not against flesh and blood. Just some words of thought, all I can really do being over two hours away.; Sunday, January 08, 2006 9:07:00 PM
Tina said...: "It's one of the hardest things to take as a divorced person -- when you're married, you know there is at least one person in the building that is closer to you than anyone else there, and in fact will be leaving with you at the end of the day."

Good point. I think Singles feel any degree of disconnectedness more than others because they don't have that "one other person in the building that is closer to [them] than anyone"...and most of us want that very bady.

I have been struggling with similar issue with my friends at church - and what the Lord said to me is that these times of estrangement are designed to help me treasure Christ above all else, all others. It is also a sort of Gomer...to show me how distanced and unfaithful I can be to Him. It should hurt, but I shouldn't stay there...and I shouldn't stop pursuing, because He never stops pursuing me and extending His love to me.

--tina; Monday, January 09, 2006 11:56:00 AM
Lorie said...: All of the things said here are good and will hopefully further encourage you to take heart. People are people, and we will ALWAYS let each other down. If we didn't, we wouldn't rely on God alone. Yes, we are to support one another, build each other up, feel each other's joys and pains, but we are never to become each other's lifeline. That role is fulfilled by Christ and him alone.

Perhaps God is allowing you to be disappointed by people so that you trust more in him? That is a hard lesson that we all learn and then have to re-learn over and over again.

At the same time, I don't want to excuse the behavior that has hurt you. I'm sorry that you've felt alone and let down by your church family. And in the midst of your disappointment in us, I do pray that you will not give up seeking to pursue friendships. It takes time. I was at Sojourn for a LONG time (probably over two years) before I felt like I had any deep friendships there. But God is faithful to provide for us in our time of need. Keep trusting that.; Monday, January 09, 2006 2:34:00 PM

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