Tom Branch - Roads of Faith

Dreams are weird. Once again I dreamed something of Narnia. It was crazy, well tame nothing really happened in it. But considering the dreams I just had before that. I dreamed that my Grandmother died. It really tore me up inside. Yet when I woke up recalling the dream, I then remembered that she has been dead for 5 years now. In fact the anniversary is coming up here soon.

It really sucked that I was working grave shift at the time and I had just gotten off of work. It was my last day of the week working and I had my three days off. I had planned on calling her that day. But news reached me before I got home and into bed that she had passed away a few hours ago. Exactly the time I looked at come chicken sandwiches I bought from McDonald's thinking should I eat them or not. Not if I were hungry or not, but rather if they would be nutricious or healthy for me. The kind of questions a grandmother would ask. I have never looked at a food and thought that except this one time.

But in the dream I was hiding my sadness so that I could go on with getting things ready, but I ended up crying a lot, devastated that even though I did not have a girlfriend that now I have absolutely no woman in my life. Then I got worse in my sadness. I cant recall much more as It ended up in Narnia watching a story unfold and then waking up to my cell phone ringing.

So why if she has been gone for so long did I dream this. It was so real that my typical lucidity in my dreams did not pick up on this. And why did a more current topic enter such as not having a woman in my life. That is bizarre.

I do recall the thing I said after the no woman in my life comment, was ok maybe I am not alone and it is time to start looking. Is this another sign to start dating or eventually courting? A sign to say start the program so that I find a wife? Keep forth with the changes that God has been placing before me so that I will become the man he wants me to become and then I will attract the woman he wants to become my wife?

Seeing this last week I saw areas that I could use some improvement on. Becoming more genuine taking interest in others. I know I have areas of selfishness that need to be worked on. At a stage to work on re-strengthen relationships but the first one should be the relationship with God. And working on that it is hard to grasp but becoming more evident the more we know the more we don't. And that I put more into wanting others that I have replaced them into something else. What are my expectations of others and the relationships with me and me with them? What do I expect? I may have been putting alot onto others.

Then I have heard several times that in order to get the change I am seeking, anything from the right friends, better job, a wife, all the above, I need to cultivate that change first. And when cultivating that change you become what you are changing into and you attract what you are seeing to cultivate. An easy enough concept, yet a difficult one.

But I do not fear as much about being alone forever. I feel that marriage is within my grasp...well then this is where I change the focus. I take it from putting it into god's hands and into mine. Thinking that if I were to do this then that will happen. Very linear thinking on my part. This too is something I need to resolve in my relationship with God.

Even last night in bed I chose to think and daydream or whatever to help start the winding down going to bed phase, I thought about it and chose not to pray. I have not been very loyal in reading and prayer as I know I should be. My heart goes out to these requests yet I do not say them, I do not own them. I let the thoughts run around the yard all day long but I do not call them inside for supper*.

I do have a place. I seem to forget it alot and get wrapped up in where I am that I become who I am not. I seem to forget God alot as well. Then again that I know I am not alone as there are plenty of others that do the same thing.

I know I worship myself. I don't call it worship as I do not bow down and all that jazz, but I know that I do things to please me and endless in them. After a certain point we should stop yes? Nope I keep on going. I do not stop. Or I let things kinda slide off the radar and make an excuse for myself. I have not been as active as I could have been in thinking of others or doing for them. I do not mean short tasks as after a while some people expect your help on every thing like that, but where it really counts as in the walk with them, matters of the heart and soul not just raking leaves...so to speak.

One example this week I was not as attentive to a friend whom I may have seen for the last time as he just moved to Oklahoma. He might be back he is not sure. I know that he has been having some issues and I have been out of the loop. But I did get in touch with him and got to hook up with him one last time. In fact I just called him. Left a message. But he does seem to be where he feels he should be. Yet that night I could not focus in on HIM more than myself or our chatter was nothing serious just friendly banter. Nothing wrong with this but it could have been more godly or more of a brotherly walk with him as he was about to embark on another journey.

Back to women, they say treat them all the same, in general I guess, as if a man were to treat one woman like a queen and then not his mother or treat the other women in his life higher then after the "honeymoon" who is to say the man will treat her the same now that he has won his prize? But if I man were to treat the other women in his life fairly the same as sisters in christ he will do the same to the woman he pursues. If he treats one badly or belittles another woman in his life, he could and will do the same to all he pursues. What does this say of me? Well considering the relationships with women in my life...I would have to say forgiveness.

My last serious girlfriend I still was angry with for so long. Then later our paths crossed again, and honestly at that time I was hoping to get laid again so I did things that were not very godly to say the least. Luckily nothing happened and I saw her more for what she was. It took some time to forgive her for the wrong she had done upon me when we were together previously. Then there is my mother where I need to get back to her and be firm to say if she wants to be in my life she needs more effort. She has hurt me so many times. I am still trying to forgive her. I am going forward with her in my life, yet I need that forgiveness to a higher degree. I have forgiven so much by the grace of God, but feel I need more for her. This was my first hurt and greatest hurt in my life.

I am afraid that if I get into a relationship I would end up harboring bad feelings for that person. If I am to treat them as sisters in Christ I must be forgiving and not isolate them if things do not go well. I still need to cultivate and be there for them. I still need to be that brother in christ.

I do believe that it is his plan for me to get married but there are things that need to change before this occurs. The big thing is that I seek him and want him more than I do a wife.

Then there is the other issue is do I present myself as a brother in Christ? Do I come across as one who would make a godly husband? Or do I come off as a pervert or pushy, or that crazy old Tom? A wave of thoughts have just come across my mind so it is now time to let them flow.

Maybe my dreams is how God has chosen to communicate with me...It's time for me to start actions in my life rather than waiting for some to occur. Serving, caring for others, initiating and cultivating....etc. Praying for others. Praying.

In light of the seeking a godly woman to become a wife (since it was so dominate in my dream) then I must be and become the qualities that I seek? If that makes sense. I hope that I not forget this.

Yes in the south we do supper not dinner. Dinner is a special occasion that costs money. Supper is the evening meal.

3 Comments:

Anonymous said...: Good dream. Good thoughts. I am impressed at how introspective you are.

But, for real, you are on my friend, Dawn's blog and I was just curious to know how your know her.; Tuesday, January 17, 2006 2:49:00 PM
Tom said...: I think she commented on my blog one day after seeing me post on someone from seminary....or the other way around. But I know it was related to some people I know at church, seminary and blogs.; Tuesday, January 17, 2006 4:56:00 PM
Jason Ramage said...: I can definitely attest to God speaking through dreams. Back when I didn't worry too much about "little" sins, like having too much to drink, I had one or two dreams that God used to grab my attention. You know how you might be outside during a thunderstorm and lightning strikes a little to close, scaring you shitless? It was something like that.

Now I'm going to have a dream about cussing... :); Thursday, January 19, 2006 10:23:00 AM

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