A journey seeking

C'est fini

2007-05-26T09:40:00.000-05:00

This entry is for all the readers who stumble upon this. Those few that ever do. Over these last three years this blog has provided me a place to work things out in my new found struggles. To start I was in a mid-twenties crisis, but now am desiring change.

There has been much change over the last three years. Change I would never have thought of.

I just don't have the words to share on here much these days. Most stuff I write on open and paper. I have been doing a lot more writing.

So if you ever wander what I am up to please email me at mrbranch@gmail.com

The end is near

2007-05-20T20:33:00.000-05:00

Dear readers (if anyone is left),

This chapter in my life is coming to an end. It is not a journey seeking any more. Now life is more about becoming. So I will here soon put out one more final entry to this long running blog. It's been over two years. I will keep it up as I will be pulling info so that I may write a book on this perhaps.

So enjoy it while it is here.

A journey seeking is coming to an end.

Why has God left me?

2007-04-18T15:40:00.000-05:00

Why am I angry? Why am I wanting to give up? Why am I now demanding something back from God?

Listed in no particular order.

I.Job situation
I have been searching for over two years now and noting. I may get a good interview now and then but they are false hopes as they do not go any further than that. I search job boards but without a degree they will not even talk to you. Even if you have experience in the are, they still will not look at you.

So I want to try to go to school. I have to pay for it all out of my own pocket. Needless to say my work hours make it hard for me to wake up every afternoon and do anything until I have to.

My hours I come home and sit alone until I can manage to fall asleep 2-3 hours later.

I have to cut short church and groups many nights, the times I normally need for me, my wind down time to ponder. I no longer have that. I am often too tired by the time I come home to focus on anything that requires thought.

II.Health/Weight
I am trying to get my health back in order. I have been drinking more water, eating better, eating less bad foods, excersizing a lot more.....and I cannot break the 300lbs mark. No matter what I do I cannot loose this weight to regain my health. I stay fat.

I know that I need someone that can help keep me motivated, give me that push when I need it. I have asked but no one. I know there are several people I know that Go to the YMCA, yet I cannot get anyone to ever meet me there. It's everyone for themselves. But when I ask for help, humbly as I possibly can, I get nothing.

So I must do this alone and have no external support. Even one of the websites I am on it's ok, it has helped me alot....but it lacks the human touch and is filled with women. No men. So I cannot relate to them.

I am able to go to the gym at work most nights, but I am by myself. I have to watch Futurama for an hour while I work out so I forget I am alone and can keep on walking during the time.

But I still cannot break the 300lbs mark. There is no hope in myself, and no hope from others for me in this.

III.

I Cannot finish this list right now as Iam getting very angry thinking of it.

I have called out to God for help, admitted I cannot do this alone. And he sends me no one. Those around me that I do get some little time with are married, and it is growing harder to connect with them. No one is like me anymore. Everyone around me in life has something to live for, a job, a family, career, education, etc.

I have nothing or no one. Only myself. I am tired of being by myself and tired of being selfish, but when it is all you got you tend to go with what you know. I need help and no one can or will give it. God wont communicate with me. I want to know there is reason for this suffering. And I find none, not a single reason nothing to cling onto.

Right now I am ready to quit all spiritual affairs.

I need God to take a step to me. Much like my mother, she has abandoned me as well. Where is God when I need him?

Why do I not feel forgiven? Why can't he let me know, not just hear some pretty scripture but KNOW.

WHere are you?

2007-03-21T05:17:00.000-05:00

***Please note this was written in poetic form. I needed a way to get my feelings out. This is how I feel right now. God has left me alone in my walk by man and him, he has hidden his face from me, he leaves me angry, frustrated, and hurt...I feel he may wish me condemned. A few people have emailed and commented on this blog, but the feelings are still there. This is a curse upon me and to difficult to work through of my own power, yet I cannot cal upon god's power. ***

Where are you?
I see you here and there
But not with me
I do not feel you
I live downcast.

You say seek and you shall find
I have sought and I have not found.

I feel alone
I do not feel you
So alone I feel
How can I trust?

My cross I cannot bear alone
I wish to take upon your yoke
But you will not help me take off mine.

Humbly I came to you
or so I felt with my heart
And now only feel that you wish to condemn me to hell
Is so far all I am getting in return.

For hours each day I hear only my voice
The voice you despise.
Even in crowds I am not there.

When I am weakest where are you?
The red man finds me
Very often he does.

So I go onward living
living only for me
The very one thing you ask me to give you
The only thing you gave me
And you ask leaving me with nothing.

Where are you?
I cannot step off the cliff without you
My faith is very little
And running lower

Yes I have heard this life would be hard
Nothing was said about lonely
nothing was said about self inflicted pain.

I did not want to believe psalm 77
I wanted to take up my sins
As it was me who hid from you
But no it was right all along
How long will you hide from me?

Your words are not comforting any more
Even listening to the red man
He is not satisfying
Both leave me without
I cannot take solace in your words right now

I feel empty with you
I feel empty without you
This is why I feel condemned

You give me many desires to change
desires to grow
desires to become
desires to become family with all your children

And you leave me wandering.
Angry
frustrated
hurt
and alone.

Maybe one day I can ask to seek you again
Until then
forgive me
but I cannot call upon your name

Until I know again that I have not been orphaned

Some good, some bad

2007-03-19T14:59:00.000-05:00

Will I snap out of this? Will I come out of the depths of my anguish? On the surface things are not that bad. Deeper they very well may be.

Not all has been bad. A friend came over late Saturday night and we talked some gospel stuff. It really did help. I found some great insight on the way somethings have been for me lately. It actually has given me an anchor point to start off again. I have been reading scripture again.

But still at work I judge. I still get tempted and sin badly, speak ill of others and more. BUt it seems that the book of James is speaking more clearly to me right now.

Don’t speak evil against each other, dear brothers and sisters. If you criticize and judge each other, then you are criticizing and judging God’s law. But your job is to obey the law, not to judge whether it applies to you. God alone, who gave the law, is the Judge. He alone has the power to save or to destroy. So what right do you have to judge your neighbor? James 4:11-12 (New Living Translation)

I am a resistant hard headed, Um I could insert a nice expletive here, but I won't. Even last night I still did the same thing. I did not want to follow. I wanted to show my disgust at the powers that be (at work).

I am still trying to learn to trust God. It is still difficult when I pray for forgiveness and repentance and I still live enslaved tot he same sins over and over. It gets hard to simply follow.

I am so not a morning person and it takes me a long time to get up and started. So I can;t really have a morning devotional. But at nights when i really need to like after community group or service on Sundays, the time I need to stop and focus, I have to go to work. It gets forgotten. It becomes something to do like a checklist of social activities. Then i go to work. I go from supportive Christians, to nothing. Into a world where performance is demanded and perfection as well.

So the life worked out for me is going off into the wilderness alone. very frequently. Then I come home and the roommates are asleep so I have even more time alone. My sins are selfish. And so far life works out for me being alone alot. God said in the bible it is not good for man to be alone. Yes I am alone ALOT.

How can I trust him right now? I find it harder to believe the word these days. I see so many others around me that have help or a support system and I get the ones that are married or always busy.

So following God is a very lonely road? And I am to just follow? Bear burdens alone? Have an ever burning desire for marriage and Christian relationships but not get them?

It is not God who tempts me to sin, but the devil. But God does not seem to be delivering me from these sins. I feel he is just leaving me there. I now see that Satan is really warring with me. He hits me when i am weak at work, alone for hours after work, and away from other Christian fellowship pointing each other towards Christ. So God has left me alone and Satan is attacking then.

Right now I am not really falling completely for either God or Satan.

Next the devil took him to the peak of a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their glory. "I will give it all to you," he said, "if you will kneel down and worship me." Matthew 4:8-9 (New Living Translation)

So there we have some insight. Satan does the same to me but instead of the nations ofthe world it is my desires, thoughts, all my hearts desires. He gives me the visions of power and happiness. But Ihave not caved in and started following him. Yet at the same time I don't follow God as much to counter this because it hurts. And I feel I cannot completely trust in him.

I am alone in my own strength so many times, or at least the strength he gave me, but that works like a glass filled up to the top and told to hit the hot desert where it evaporates quickly. So I am always going back for more. but the watering hole is not always nearby.

So here I am. Left alone by God and attacked by Satan when I am weakest. I love this journey and am also hating it at the same time. Yes the Christian life is hard, but I feel it is more lonely than hard.

What have I done to anger him so much to not love me in this way? Not love me by leaving me so alone and allowing these sins to come through.

Why?

Where I am

2007-03-04T15:02:00.000-05:00

I am stuck between a cross and a hard place.

"The old cross is a symbol of death. It stands for the abrupt, violent end of a human being. The man in Roman times who took up his cross and started down the road had already said good-bye to his friends. He was not coming back. He was going out to have it ended. The cross made no compromise, modified nothing, spared nothing, it slew all of the man, completely and for good. It did not try to keep on good terms with its victim. It struck cruel and hard, and when it had finished its work, the man was no more." A.W. Tozer, the Best of.

I know I have quoted this before. But this is where my soul wants to go. But in the midst of it all my heart is not at the same place. This story is familiar.

..."I’ve obeyed all these commandments,” the young man replied. “What else must I do? Jesus told him, “If you want to be perfect, go and sell all your possessions and give the money to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me." But when the young man heard this, he went away sad, for he had many possessions...Matthew 19:20-22 (New Living Translation)

I am right where this guy is. The weight of my cross is heavier than I ever could have imagined. I am come to the shadow of my cross over these last few years. And I see it and run. I hear what God asks me to surrender and I run. It hurts to even ponder it.

Cultivate beauty, cultivate self

2007-02-26T14:16:00.000-05:00

Here lately it seems am growing a challenge to think artfully. I put a photo into a show for the "Love" exhibit at church here this month. And the photo sold. As a photographer this is a milestone to have my first piece sold.

Then I have two more photos going on display in a "Documenting place" exhibit. But the newest challenge is for cultivating beauty month we have every year at church. But this year I have two ideas of art to submit. One that will require some antique shopping. So this means I will need to find a woman to go shopping with cuz I lack those antique skills as a guy hahaha.

But the heart of the matter is cultivation. And I really want to express some more of the inners or reflections I have come to as of late. Thinking of it God has been cultivation in me into something of greater beauty. He uses the ugly sinners of the world not the pretty sinners. Well we all are sinners. Some are realistic in how they look in it.

This journey is taking on a whole new level. Most of it due to much reading and pondering.

"The pursuit of holiness" Jerry Bridges

"The pursuit of God"A.W. Tozer

"How People Change" Lane/Tripp

And the class from How People change is about to wrap up, and I will be taking the class again when it starts up two weeks later. And who knows. I am defiantly now an Journey Becoming.

But in return of the love God has bestowed upon me, I should cultivate in return with the provisions given.

Before me?

2007-02-25T01:00:00.000-05:00

I feel a war may heat up here soon. I am starting to see my cross before me. I know to carry it will bring much pain. I know that I avoid pain at nearly any costs. I don;t want to go through this. I know it is going to hurt the very nature and fiber of my being.

Last week for accountability we agreed to read Psalms 74. I did. Not as much as I could have but there was one part hard for me to make it past. It stood out to me that if I do what I am supposed to do I might as well take a bat upside my head doing all the swinging myself. I would have to become my enemy and harm myself in so many ways.

I am scared of this pain. Even though it is all I have known for so long.

Christ called his disciples to carry their cross. If they wanted to follow him. It would be to loose your life in order to find it. The cross aint a few twigs tied together like you would see in the Blair Witch Project. No it is more like huge oak trees wood worked together.

"The old cross is a symbol of death. It stands for the abrupt, violent end of a human being. The man in Roman times who took up his cross and started down the road had already said good-bye to his friends. He was not coming back. He was going out to have it ended. The cross made no compromise, modified nothing, spared nothing, it slew all of the man, completely and for good. It did not try to keep on good terms with its victim. It struck cruel and hard, and when it had finished its work, the man was no more." A.W. Tozer, the Best of.

I see that the man I am becoming, is getting nearer to this cross and the time may be soon to start carrying it. I almost wanted to start a new blog for this called "A journey becoming..." because I am still seeking yes, but this aspect would be a transformative process. I am also thinking about doing something related to Gd at work and such. As a way of spreading out to others that suffer at work as I do.

So from here there will be two new parts of this blog coming here soon. I may use this as a sounding board for a book. I really think I should write a book.

But still before me the cross is coming into the picture. And I am really afraid for once of what is being asked of me. To go against every grain of myself and even my soul to let go of the heart of stone to receive a heart of flesh.

More to come...

Relationaly speaking...

2007-02-24T18:20:00.000-05:00

Ok simply put how many of us are in a relationship? Single like me huh? Well you are in a relationship.

Pop quiz. I say a word and you tell me what comes into your mind. The very first thing. No second guess unless it follows the first.

Relationship.

Ok what came in there? having someone to love or love you such as a significant other? Family perhaps? father, wife, mother, daughter, brother, sister...?

What about the church? As in the body that Christ died for not the pretty building down the street? What about that relationship?

What about work? Not what you do for a living but work. How do you relate to the blessing of work. I can't believe I called it a blessing in my current situation but it is whether I like to admit it or not.

Who we are does come out in relationships. Even in my despair I have overlooked several important relationships. In my sin I overlook my relationship with God and Jesus. I do not see my work as a relationship. I do not see what I do at church as a relationship.

Think about it.

At work do we cut corners? Act cocky and prideful? Put others down? Complain? Not care about the work we produce quality or quantity? But that is just work we may say. Ok let's take that same relational aspect home. Will we not cut corners with family? Will we not get angry at roommates? Will we not care?

It is who we are. Not our jobs but what we work. Do we work for man or God?

The least we do unto man is the most we do unto God.

Relationships bring out who we are. And work is one relationship I have overlooked for so long. It feeds into many sins and into every area of our lives. What out job titles are don't mean a thing. How we work and live does.

Need another example? I hate my job so bad I want out and do not want to bear through it anymore. Put that same attitude into marriage. If I do not hang tough at work who is to say that I won't be strong during rough patches in a marriage?

Do I have your attention yet?

Update....

2007-02-24T01:49:00.000-05:00

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. 12 In those days when you pray, I will listen. 13 If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me.
Jeremiah 29:11-13 (New Living Translation)

I found this in the rail today when I was reading my blog. IN regards to my last post.

2-22-2007

2007-02-22T19:07:00.000-05:00

I know here I am where I am. I know where I want to go. I know where god is calling me to or calling me to become. I read to get my spiritual fill. Yet I do not seek him.

I stay angry and frustrated. I progress not. My heart hurts, yet what is called of me will hurt even more. And I do not move on. I do not seek him.

I only sit by the sides and dream of a life in him.

One day at a time...really

2007-02-08T18:58:00.000-05:00

Today has been quite a day. It has been productive. It has been contemplative. Not as much as it needed to have been, but thoughtful as well.

In loosing focus we all feel we are further away from our goals. Or in sin we feel further away from God. ANd the distance grows and opens the door into others sins and negative feelings. But if we were to stop and look back, we might see a small glimpse of the larger picture. That's what has happened to me.

I saw all of the trees but none of the forest. Just like the time I walked up the Appalachian Mountain. I never made it ot the top mind you, but I did make it far. At one point I stoped to enjoy the beauty. But I had no idea how far I had gone or left to go. At one point I looked back and saw a small clearing of trees and there it was the top of one of the mountains!!! I gasped as it took my breath away. I might have the photo around here somewhere.

I was still surrounded by heavy hills and LOTS of trees everywhere. But I did not see progress. Al;l but for that moment. Then I got enough in me to walk even further and I did. Life is just like that. We don't know how far along we are until we take a minute in the muck to look around.

So today I saw that my finances were not bad as I thought I had made them. I miscalculated so now my new budget starts perfectly for week 2!!! And today I got out walking at the gym. But I had to walk up 7 flights of stairs first then walked for a good half or or so. And to top it off I went to the store for some food and walked alot more!

In fact I put in a good two and a half miles easily today. Not counting what I have at work tonight. And drinking 3 liters of water!

I was mucking around, but I see that things are getting back slowly to where they needed to be. I Lost focus of who God is calling me to be. Strong not weak. I see that last night I came to another "ah ha!" moments. It hit me that yes I pray for forgiveness ALOT and repentance I know that can only come from God, but I never ask him to heal me.

I forgot that he heals.

Being strong means being there for others. For God, widows, orphans, friends, family, strangers, homeless. Being strong is not rebelling in sin. The strong still sin yes! But the strong do not turn left when God tells them to turn right just moments before.

I fear the cross as I know it will be hard when I decide to completely carry my cross. It is heavy as a mountain.

More to come...

Avoidance of pain

2007-02-07T16:43:00.001-05:00

In my own case, and I am sure millions others, how much we escape pain
even if we trade it for more pain. What is up with this? During this
trial this is starting to surface a tad more clearly. I may be trying
to avoind something that I avoid pain and forget my focus.

Something to chew on. For those of you who read this blog please
share with me if this resonates in your life.

I dunno

2007-02-07T11:58:00.000-05:00

Well in just being down from the bad news of going to all night shifts I still have no clue what God wants out of me. So I have drifted from him again. I keep returning but only a brief return as I will be back isolating myself from him again shortly after.

In a nutshell the only thing I can see me there suffering is not for my employer but for God and a test of self-denial. Which looking at the cross, well so far I see only one way there, put myself through a greater pain to make it to the cross.

I don't want to put myself through pain and suffering more than I already am. I don't want to hate myself. And I feel that is what God wants right now.

Just a post

2007-02-04T13:18:00.000-05:00

I think I may write another series of collected stories. Related to work and suffering this time. Maybe later though, not now.

It seems that the sermon last week has been such a great blessing for me as I have been different since. It was not just the sermon, but also the related scripture read throughout the service. But I did, no God showed me that in a physical sense, I have no power. In a way such as he did with Job. Since then many of my sins have been a battle. Especially with anger.

I am not out of the woods at work just yet. However a crossroad may be here soon. But still I get frustrated and angry when thinking of the situation. It is a war against my pride and it is hard to let go of. Even in defense it is hard to let go of.

In other sins in my life it's just as much of a battle and I sense it in the middle of it and stop. Something has changed and is changing me. I even now see repentance different. I cannot repent of my own. Only he can bring repentance.

Next week I get to start accountability for more spiritual matters so that in addition to the other accountability, this could be good. This may help us remain focus. As I know that when I am getting angry and such that my focus is not on God. When it's not there for God, it's not there for others, my heart that is.

So something is stirring and I know it is not me. It is not within my power so I can only give credit to him for this change. I have had several other brothers step up and support and encourage me this last two weeks. And I really want to bring them in on these things.

And share with others the glory and great things that I am learning along this way. I hope that I do not overwhelm anyone with doing so.

Chapter 5: A blow to self, a heart closer to peace

2007-01-29T15:02:00.000-05:00

At work I am in desperate of God, not at the (Specifically current employer). I can see that my focus is at my current employer specifically but not to the act of work.

I have no self-sufficiency, in the law (world) I can. To accept the ways of the law by today's means is to come to self and not submit to a higher power let alone another.

I may be a modern day Job, where I bash others and act higher than they no matter their faith, I judge them by the fruit produced. Just read Job 38:4-40:2 where God lays it all out to Job. And it is after Job wishes to be silent after seeing what he just did God declares one more challenge to Job. And Job replied "I know that you can do anything, and no one can stop you."

Go confronted Job and asked what powers and strengths he had. Just as I, Job had none.. Even writing this now it is the will and sovereignty of God. My life can be gone fast. Faster than even a blink. The job/work situation is even from God.

For everything comes from him and exists by his power and is intended for his glory. All glory to him forever! Amen. Romans 11:36 (New Living Translation)

So even repentance does not come from man nor self, not even simply asking or declaring repentance in prayer. It comes form heart change. Just like the Canaanite woman, we should not give up asking or in this case seeking forgiveness and repentance.

God can make anything happen. So why do we not turn to him? This may open a jar of worms, or keg in this case, but in my case of work...I will remain the focus.

Putting my faith in him not me

But then believing that all will be answered when I as and not doubt. Even if the answer that comes back is not what I was looking for. It may not be “my” answer. But even as the food I eat comes from him, so does the answers to my prayers.

But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind. Such people should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do. James 1:6-8 (New Living Translation)

Is it mine or his? Money, health, possessions? Yes I declare each one of them as my own. And not has. This has led to a deceitful heart that is and was un-thankful. For if it is ours then it is not God's for us to give thanks to right?

At work I become a different person and let my sins overcome me. Internally and externally therefore making them all internal all over again.

The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand. Psalm 37:23-24 (New Living Translation)

My state of discontent and suffering over the issues at work should not be good nor bad but HIS will. And as such all come from him until we seek him and place our faith in him. To be thankful and seek him no matter our troubles. In this trial I see and feel that:

I acknowledge I NEED God as much as I need the air to breathe

That all things come from God either good nor bad

I am NOT self-sufficient at all

Self needs to die which may be a giant by now

I should be more thankful for what God has given me and delivered me from more than my own desires

To not become contempt and settle for less while I go furhter along in treating this (my)body well

Where there is anger there is not grace and mercy

My hands are full when I have been going to God during this time. Full of anger, frustration, downcast and despair, self...need I go on? So how can I receive?

For who can know the Lord’s thoughts? Who knows enough to give him advice? And who has given him so much that he needs to pay it back? For everything comes from him and exists by his power and is intended for his glory. All glory to him forever! Amen. Romans 11:34-36 (New Living Translation)

Chapter 4: Road to Galatia

2007-01-28T12:54:00.000-05:00

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. Galatians 5:1 (New International Version)

But I was doing so well...

You were running the race so well. Who has held you back from following the truth? It certainly isn’t God, for he is the one who called you to freedom. Galatians 5:7-8 (New Living Translation)

How did I find myself back in this place again. I don't know. I am sure I do but I do not want to take the time to sit down and map the whole thing out. I won't like the results of it very much. After the first 50 or so sins. While some of the external factors were a part of it, my reactions were the internal aspect of it. I gave in and let sin reign. Not take over or anything but I let it overwhelm me and became blind to it once again.

One thing that Jerry Bridges tried to help us understand was running this like a race and keeping our eyes on the prize. Actually it is from Philippians but one chapter in of his books hit on this. I know that I have definitely lost focus. I shifted form seeking God to seeking a way out of now. This is where things start to fall apart by not seeking him or accepting that he is the one. Or simply that he IS. So it's no wonder how those of us in this spiritual warfare daily to not know what we are fighting or live a docile fight. Kinda there but going no where. In the How People Change book, one of the first things they tell you is the focus of heaven.

No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us. Philippians 3:13-14 (New Living Translation)

In looking back upon how I went off against my roommate I see that no matter how right I felt Iwas, I was still on a path to a dead end.

For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But don’t use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love. But if you are always biting and devouring one another, watch out! Beware of destroying one another. Galatians 5:13, 15 (New Living Translation)

I was not living in freedom. I was living in the law. You do unto me and I will do unto you. Much like that scientific rule where every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Blow for blow. This was a cycle that would have went no where. When I know that I should have taken a different course of action. I know the end result I was very satisfied. I won, But at a cost.

I took an issue I Wanted to address for a very long time and went rash on it. So I was not following the teachings here on this one. There was no serving or love among either of us. What hit me here is this would apply to any relationship. Including marriage. How can I intimnately love anyone for the glory of God if I am not servbing one another in love? But following the laws of my right vs your wrong? Or the laws of anger I guess would be a nice name for it. It comes with being evil and fallen.

So I say, let the Holy Spirit guide your lives. Then you won’t be doing what your sinful nature craves. The sinful nature wants to do evil, which is just the opposite of what the Spirit wants. And the Spirit gives us desires that are the opposite of what the sinful nature desires. These two forces are constantly fighting each other, so you are not free to carry out your good intentions. But when you are directed by the Spirit, you are not under obligation to the law of Moses. Galatians 5:16-18 (New Living Translation)

But now reading further I see that I am not following him in my actions in life as of last week. I was giving in to my sinful nature by choice. It is rare when I really set out to do wrong or sin on purpose. And here I am giving in, in so many ways. But somethign just hit me. About being free, well not free. We are not free to carry out our good intentions, but if we follow the spirit, Christ, we are not under the law of Moses. So this means no to the ten commandments?

Think about it if you break down the commandments, you can see a few very comman basic themes in it. I even heard George Carlin break them down once. He may not have been the, well It's George Carlin folks! However if we follow Christ in the greates commandments everything fits into place. We are to love God with all our heart, and secondly love our neighbor as we love ourselves. If we were to do this it does change the light in whcih I look at the big ten list ya know?

So what does it realy mean to love one another? For me its easy on paper but difficult in application. I don't know. By living in anger and frustration, come to think of it in Star Wars Yoda really boke down everything to the point of the darkside. Those of us who battle that darkside knew waht he meant. While everyone looked at yet another cheesy line. There is truth in that. Replace Dark Side with death. Now listen again...

Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate, and Hate leads to suffering.
- Yoda

Suffering. Did we hear that? In my case I was so angry I was hateful. I did not hate those who wronged me, I hated I was wrong but gave into to a hateful heart. Which later I felt physical pain. I could not stand the feeling I was harboring. It hurt. It was suffering. And that leads to death. And not the good one. It is the life of bondage. The yoke of slavery.

So from giving in to the anger I became a slave to that in which I wanted away from. I never thought that a trip to Galatia would show me this. Did anyone else knwo this was in Galatia? I'm scared to see what else that got in the market!

Chapter 3: Community, I'm in!

2007-01-27T12:48:00.000-05:00

This story is not over yet. But here is the next chapter.

These last maybe 48 hours have been crazy. What I left off is that after Evil Tom came out and stood against one of my roommates that afterwards feeling that there was a greater sense of accomplishment I was able to think clearly. So I went in my room and started writing and breaking down why I was really angry. Or at least find the root causes.

It seems to be a longer battle with either some hidden lies or un-faced issues. I am not sure. But the hurt and frustration and anger were still there. I cried out for help and even had one shouting match with Gd. But this week even among the pain of it all others came to me in my support. The pain may still be there but it has dulled so much or at least been replaced with encouragement.

It its sorta along those same lines as the children form my community group give me. The first time a two year old met me he said "I like him mommy he's cool!" I darn near cried. Then a 17month old had fell and was crying and her father was not able to get her to calm. but I walk in there and she reaches for me. After I took her she stopped crying. Well ok so this is a different kind of fuzzy but I should not forget them. As it is encouraging and should give me focus.

I have lost so much focus. And therefore despair came out to play, and Evil Tom. He only came out for defensive reasons. Regular Tom was hurting too much so he came out to take a stand and rattle some cages back.

Anyways...

I sent the blog entry as an email to the men in my group and a few other close friends. The response was very heart warming and supportive.

"don't give up. he'll finish the good work he's started in you."

"Shalom ah l'chem, [Salam ale Kum], ( Peace be with you)"

"...when we're right in the middle of the pressure cooker, but we all need to know that our Father is working to make us more like Jesus, and He will do whatever it takes to get the job done. "

"May we not pass on the other side of the road when a brother calls out for help."

"the number one thing is to seek God and ask him what to do. and do exactly what he tells you. receive his words of love."

"For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal
glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is
seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is
unseen is eternal."

At my job I have no idea why God has me there. I see my suffering for no cause and unnecessary. It hurts too much to think about it. But things don't feel as bad as they once did. But they could again i am sure. Since it sucked me down so bad I lost my focus and intentional seeking of God.

In good news I do now have 4 resumes out there but I need to...err want to seek God intentionally for his guidance of where he wants me to be. If the answert is where I am at, I am not ready for that answer. And this could be a cause of friction for me right now. We shall see. But suffering for no lesson, just seems to bother me even greater. It makes me feel less of a person because I am not learning what I am supposed to. Can't I get an outline or memo? Something? Any form of guidance?

I may not be seeing the forest for all the trees. Or just not seeking God in the midst of this trial as he wants.

Reading another fellow bloggers page, she had a great verse that seemed to hit me. It wasn't a breathtaking hit, but it was a hey lookie here! kinda verse. On a side note I love how Igoofed around and gave her the name K8y and it stuck! Ain't I a stinker? If you want to view her blog you can here (K8y's blog here)

Or you can read it here before we go to Galatia.

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. Romans 8:28 (New Living Translation)

This is for both good and bad. Even though I may not see the cause or reasoning it is there. Like the desperation I feel at work now may be a way of seeing if I settle on discontent or seek God elsewhere. Seek another job but do so in seeking God every step of the way. I gave up on the learning patience thing. As I kept hoping and dreaming. Only to be let down and hurt again and again. Maybe it is time to seek another job but seek it through and by God?

But then the anger outbursts, well after sitting down and writing some things out I see that there are other things in my heart that have been revealed in the middle of this trial. Even as some of the emails I got indicated.

Chapter 2: Evil Tom is out to play

2007-01-24T21:09:00.000-05:00

Please guys pray for me. Evil tom has decided to step in and play for a while. I know in class tonight we talked returning evil for evil.....well its happening alot now. The stress is getting to me. I went off on a roommate tonight, and took the tv into my room, because I was tired of him always in there and then he smarted off to me tonight in a "know it all/better than you " attitude....so I cussed at him, took the tv away while he was playing a video game and it is nice and peaceful in the living room now. Wow I love this result.

And at work, someone decided to order me a jacket, for the giving to United Way, well they ordered large, I decided ya know I am tired of getting clothes too small, they should cater or think that some folks are bigger than large. SO I took a 3x when there was a L marked next to my name. See no more discrimination if I am dishonest! Wow once again a result. Well I think I may let honesty win, since they did send an email asking for it back whoever took it. Maybe not.

I am loosing it folks. I don't know what's left of me. But please pray for me. Evil tom is out to play, no fear, you are all on his good list, and mine too! Even though results are happening this is good, but sometimes evil Tom can make things worse....who knows. But this is when caution should be used.

I just can't fight right now. I am overwhelmed. I dunno what else to say at this point.

Thanks....pray if you can,

Tom (both good and evil and I mean evil jerk a'hole etc not just common
garden variety evil)

Chapter 1: Loosing control

2007-01-24T10:28:00.000-05:00

I am loosing control very badly. My focus is not formed. Despair and frustration is leading into deep anger which hurts. I can't do this alone. Work is killing me. I am afraid to have my blood pressure taken right now. I hate hating my job and feeling I am being punished and suffer for nothing. Or suffer for someone else who throws a banana and I am supposed to dance like a mindless monkey.

Despair and frustration is forming into deep anger that is hurting me. I am hurting alot right now. I am very angry and tired of feeling trapped and alone. God has me here for what I hear is a reason, but I do not see it. Who did I upset and why am I being punished for no reason? I hate my job with a passion now. I cannot invest in others, group, service or even myself because of my crazy work schedule and no one understands that. It physically hurts and no one is there.

I had a shouting match with God yesterday. I think it may have been my first one. I hurt. I feel he is calling me unto others and yet my life circumstances block it in every way. I am angry, hurt, frustrated, alone, yet not wanting to give up completely.

I give up on asking anyone to help me with my health. The world wants to be fat and die. No one wants to help or take me serious when I ask for help in that area.

When I am asked if I can meet anyone for Sunday morning, or Friday evening, no one realizes how much that hurts me. Its a stab to my heart they ask that. because I can't. My insomnia is back, big time and I am sure that my blood pressure is very high once again. I have not felt this bad in years.

I pray that god either deliver me form this or give me the reason for this suffering before I give in to something and do something regrettable like I did yesterday. Where even the after battle with my conscience I sided with my sinful side because I felt it was the right thing for me.

This is not me. But yesterday it was. I was in pure defiance and now someone else did not get their jacket they ordered because someone ordered me the wrong size. And I dream often times of my last day at work where I tell off my 4 different bosses for how stupid they are when it comes to treating employees and the website.

Anger is winning in my life. And I am starting to give up on hope as hoping...I only get hurt. Like hoping someone reads this and prays for me or gives me words of encouragement....nah my readership is nearly gone. I needed to get this out somewhere. Maybe I will be heard, maybe not.

Discrimination vs dishonesty

2007-01-23T12:58:00.000-05:00

I am tired of being deiscrimated against, I'm not small, I cannot wear "L" in anything. So when I was asked to please only take the size signed up for, I did not sign up so they decided I must be small...so I took a "3x" I am tired of this discrimiation aginst big folks. So I was dishonest.

I grow so tired o f trying anymore. Maybe I should riase my voice threatening like and be heard....by no one.

Yeah Im having a great day. I just had to BEG freaking BEG for help with my health. Why do I have to BEG......honestly I want to insert so many cuss words right now.

When I say...

2007-01-23T11:27:00.000-05:00

" I can't do this alone"

What do people hear? Maybe they heard I WANT to do it alone? I think I will drop my YMCA membership. tomorrow is the deadline for the contest, no one has told me a straight answer for even meeting up there. N one wants to join me in this battle. I hate this. SO I think I will save myself the money and do everything alone. Unless the world wants me to stay fat and unhealthy.

No one wants to help me. I am so tired of this.

It's time to loose it all

2007-01-14T22:14:00.000-05:00

Ok things have been set into motion that is most likely way past overdue. In fact overdue would indicate it being early, so that's how long overdue things are. Let's see what is going on and what are the rules of engagement?

One I am overweight. I am tall and large framed yes, but I am still very overweight. In fact according to eh charts I'm morbidly obese. Wat such a horrible word to be labeled as in life. Morbid. But I am not all that bad. Depends on what I am wearing depends on how much I appear to weigh.

Even for the jokes I think the fat boy jokes might wanna slow down into nothingness.

So why is weight loss important to me all of the sudden? Actually it's not all of the sudden it has been such a long journey that has rarely ever been walked but always been felt.

Why I want to start...

I am tired of being out of breath going up just a small flight of stairs.
I am tired of hunting down clothes in my size at nearly every department store.
A lil selfishly, I want to feel good in my body one day.
A lil unselfishly I do not want my future wife or family to go through extra hardship because I did not take care of myself now, causing many more health issues when I get older. I do not wish to become a burden to my loved ones.
We are called to be stewards, and taking care of our bodies should be more important.
New health issues have arisen that I need to change now...Gout...I could become (if not already) diabetic, sleep apnea.

Other good things....

Save money by eating better rather than eating out or harmful foods (grease, fats, etc)
Help the environment by not eating fast foods or meats as much (less we eat, the less water used in feeding and cleaning animals for consumption)
I need a healthy venue for venting stress (from work) and dealing with frustrations and anger.
They say that success in thew workplace (new jobs, promotions, etc) are often linked to weight loss and health (as in getting healthier).

I grow so tired of being past lazy into lethargic not doing anything. I hate it. I sometimes feel I have no control over things. No control by means of things are getting out of hand from laziness and now creating more work in the battle. Doing nothing is loosing control that I do have.

Four years ago I was doing good. I was alone but it seemed to work out. I was exercising and loosing weight. I was down to just a tad below 285. People noticed. Then one day sick and broke I ate McDonald's. For the first time ( I had not eaten out in a long time) I felt so weighed down from the grease. I never felt it before until then. I mainly was walking and such or on a treadmill or a gym bike.

That was four years ago. It seems my health issues start hitting my, like gout, when I get above a certain weight. This worries me and frustrates me.

So here is where I am at...
I bought a food steamer for Christmas and started eating a lot of that. And I cut back on my sugar intake mostly. And I have lost 5 pounds just form the diet alone! That is a great start. Then just recently I joined the YMCA where I found many folks form church go there as well.

So I hope with a combination of diet and exercise with a few other lifestyle changes that I can loose some of this extra weight. My goal is to loose 75 pounds..

Current weight in 310 pounds, just a tad under. Mayhaps 308 depending on what time of day I weight myself.

Simple rules....(most worked for me the last time)

Opt for unsweetened tea
Cut back on sugar(s)
NO sodas
Switch to decaf (who really needs all that extra caffeine?)
No eating 3 hours before bed
No exercising 5 hours before bed
Drink more water (hopefully a gallon a day)
Park farther away form the building at work
More rice and cabbage and steamed foods
NO grease foods (no fried foods) or extra sparingly, extra extra
Fatty foods in moderation
Starches in moderation
Cook at home more than eating out
Stop eating just before you are full

This time what will I do differently? I need to really pray on this. I know that I have tried so many times before on my own and have failed. I need support and accountability or I will fail. I cannot do this alone. I lack discipline in this area and really need community this time in order to make this more successful than the last time.

I have not taken great care of myself. This is only one of many areas in my life I need to work on. And working on one will effect another. I will have energy once again. It is just not about weight loss, but also about control, discipline, saying no to myself when appropriate, making wiser choices in my actions (what I eat, don't eat etc).

This is apart of the package. This is not one battle. This is only one battle of the war to become the man God calls me to be. In fact this can even by a way of evangelizing, by means of my life as an example. Maybe even help others. Point my eyes away form myself and unto God, deny self, and sacrifice self for love and the family I desire In Christ and in the physical sense.

Externally or internally this i s not just about me anymore.

Picking up the peices

2007-01-12T17:50:00.000-05:00

Pretty much things have been in several places for me. I am slowly starting to bring them al together. I have been journaling old school pen an paper alot here lately. I started a list on 43things.com which is a great place for you to put down all your goals and join others in the same battle.

My journey is still going on. It is still full of valleys and peaks. But now I will have to do some fighting and following. God calls men to be the cultivators. Well this is true. I have seen how my past has kept me from moving onward in many areas. But I see that this cannot be allowed to hold me back any longer. This is not just in relationships but in everything I do.

So far this year may become the first steps into the longer journey? It has been God's grace through all of this that I am still here to journey. Even in my sins he did not turn from me, yet it was I who turned from him.

So it has been growingly upon my heart that the balls is in my court, it is my turn to make a move. If I do not make a 180 in this journey (make a dedicated walk) I may be set for doom. I have dreamed several times lately of snakes. From what I have broken down, this is a sign of death. Both times they were after me. I Must make a 180 in my walk.

How? That has also been upon my heart lately as well. Bring others in intimately for accountability for whatever reason and letting them in on my journey. One thing I have heard comment on is my transparency in calling out sins. I just do not do it that often

But it is time to bring others in on a deeper level. My new community group is wonderful. we are "gellin" very well, in fact we are like a family. And that is very important to me. I am fortunate and blessed that God has put them into my life.

I have made a few changes that are yeilding some great results. I have made some changes to my diet. And diet alone I have lost a few pounds over these last two weeks. I got a steamer for Christmas and I have been cooking with it like mad. Tonight or tomorrow I will join with the YMCA and seek others that are going there so that I may join them. It is time to work on physical health.

Finances are better than they were. Still needs work but I am not as tight on funds as I once was. More bills are getting paid and caught up. This is bringing releif.

I made a few fashion and hygiene changes that have seemingly gone very noticed. More than I ever anticipated. I am keeping my beard trimmed and got a few nice looking shirts. I was not ready for the comments I received...but they made an impact.

The biggest change is that things I once enjoyed I no longer enjoy. Or my sensitivity levels have raised since 3 years ago before I started back to church. That can mean only one thing...that God has been working on me in my life.

Even in despair over things I looked back at 2006 and saw that even in the lowest of valleys there was God. There was change. Yet there was much sin and rebellion but there he was in his anger and love. His anger was there to want me to do right and his love was there to tell me I am his.

This is why the dreams of the snakes speaks to me the way it does. God wants me. If I do not make some very huge first steps I will go the way of the serpent. So to speak. In despite of the idols found in my life, sins, and overall knowing that I am not a "good guy" that I am still wanted. In the bible he used some pretty dirty men for the holiest of acts. I too can be used in such ways.

Basically God is trying to get it through my head he wants to be on my side if I let him. I guess it is time to send out some invites into my life. And the wife and family I want, among other prayers, God pretty much is telling me (in my own words) He aint gonna fed ex 'em over.

Gotta make some good first steps...back to him.

The journey is only getting deeper. Is that love or what?

2006 what a year it was

2007-01-08T02:47:00.001-05:00

As I stop to reflect upon the year that just passed I see that so much change has happened. In fact even as things changed a lot at Sojourn, as have I. Almost a year ago I had a talk with one of my friends. It was one of those “You suck” no “you suck” talks. And I semi-dubbed the year “The Year of relationships” Oh how I had no idea how true that would turn out. It's crazy how this season lasted pretty much a calendar year. But the shift has been coming now slowly for a month or so.

But I am feeling around the the next chapter.....might be “The awakening” which is a continuation of last year as the relationships do not stop. But its getting time to awaken some things and set forth into action. That and my old passion for photography is heating up again.

What to read?

2007-01-04T00:36:00.000-05:00

I think I am going to read Hosea...the more I think about it, the more it shows how we are. Hosea marries Gomer a prostitute, she cheates on him, several times, and each time he takes her back.

We cheat or sin against God, over and over and he still takes us back. Nice parallel.

Pursuit of Happyness

2006-12-26T01:21:00.000-05:00

Another great movie, and a memorable Christmas. Full of food and movie, and friends. Which have become family to me.

The movie has me thinking alot. Which is good. I have seen some very good flicks this past week. Tomorrow is the last day of it. I wished it were longer. But it is not. But 06 is coming to a close, what will 07 bring?

2006 was the year of relationships, will 2007 be the year of coming to the cross? Loosing myself?

"The old cross is a symbol of death. It stands for the abrupt, violent end of a human being. The man in Roman times who took up his cross and started down the road had already said good-bye to his friends. He was not coming back. He was going out to have it ended. The cross made no compromise, modified nothing, spared nothing, it slew all of the man, completely and for good. It did not try to keep onb good terms with its victim. It struck cruel and hard, and when it had finished its work, the man was no more." A.W. Tozer, the Best of.

Thoughts out of town

2006-12-22T23:47:00.000-05:00

I thoguht I would write alot of my holiday vacation, but I cannot. So many thigns have happenened and thoughts are just as much. Too many thoughts. Basically I am hours away from celebrating a family christmas for the first time in nearly 15 years. With all the family, well the immediate family. There are new additions of my step-mother and sister-in-law and my neice.

It will be different but hopefully the start of a new era.

My heart has had some downtime in thinking. I have written alot the old way and sorted out some thoughts. I do need to seek some counsel on these thoughts though. I will seek a few that are close to me first, then I may get more of an elderly opinion on them.

When I left a friend of mine said things have got to change. Even though he was speaking of one area of my life, I feel it is more grand than that. And it is not a big change. It is only letting the change occur and stop acting a dam to it. Dam as in what you find in a river. Not the cuss word.

2006 was the year of relationships and intimacy for me. What will 2007 bring as 2006 ends its run? What is the new direction?

Vs Christmas

2006-12-13T14:13:00.000-05:00

Some days it sucks gettingout of bed. First news of the day is an actor from one of my favorite Tv shows just died. But that is life. It just sucks to hear it. Now I will have a new purpose in watching the dvd's.

Onto the post or column as it has been referred to here lately. Is "The world vs. Christmas" It seems that everywhere that the word "Christmas" is offensive and being taken down everywehre. I ti s being replaced with Hapy Holidays. But the heart of it all is to please everyone and becoem anti-christian attitudes for the holidays.

So as a christian should I be upset? That the word christmas is being replaced?

At first I would have and have said yes I should be angry. I don;t go around and tell other religions that they must rename their holidays? Tell a jew no more Hanuakauh or a muslim no more Ramadahn. See how far you walk away with your life.

But that is not what this is about. I feel something deeper than this and beyond worrying that the holiday is being replaced with a generic term. Just seeing the traffic and want lists of ewveryone is scaring me. Even more who do we worship at Christmas? As christians it should be CHrist right? But it is a fat guy in a red suit. Not convinced? This season teh hot item is a new SOny Playstation 3. People are getting shot and hurt over this. Greed has taken us all in the name of the almighty dollar for the corporations. We worship idols during this season.

If Christmas is about celebrating the birth of Christ then why do we say Merry Christmas? How much of this holiday is holy? Holy, holi....sounds like a hidden theme there doesn't it?

Now if we truely celebrate this, what does it look like? And if this is a religions not a sinful holiday then we have room to be very upset that we cannot proclaim christmas in the streets. Yet this seems to be in the public.

The war on christianaity is heating up. Even amongst other christians. The world is rising against us. My heart has been growing a heavy weight upon it to see that this war is no longer on the battle field. In fact we may want to shift it to the homes, to our neighbors, towards one another. This is the time to build one another up on an intimate level. Grow deep with one another and prepare for the upcoming troubles.

Even in this holiday season, I hope that we all not get caught up in shopping and wanting that we forget to love and share CHRIST.

Am I upset they are replacing Christmas with happy holidays? Not right now, no. I cannot be angry at this. I don't know exactly how biblical this is. But in my heart I see this season lately away from God. Society in general that is. We are being shown intolerance for one another and more about our own rights above others.

For the world this is the giving season, the only time of year you have to do this. This is the greed and want season. For Christians it should be a time to reflect upon Christ's birth.

(I will spellcehck this later)

It's been a few huh?

2006-12-10T21:56:00.000-05:00

looks like one of the random silences have hit this blog again. I post alot then it dies. ALl is well, I am still alive and all that fun stuff.

I have really been in some battles physicallty and spiritually. I have been sick with one thing or another and I can't see a Dr. until next year so I have to bear with being ill until then.

Spiritually I was working though the How People Change book and did one of the excersizes and it hit me hard. Seeing what were idols in my life and such. My faith was on hold. My idols, well they had fun. I was in a low place. I did not see anyway out.

But the next section is about bringing it to the cross. And now I am lookinging into what that looks like? So far it is coming broke. And that is nearly impossible to do. But I know that IU have to if I am ever going to heal from them, if I am ever going to give myself unto God I need to give up self first.

And honestly I do not want to. See the dilema? Its everything, kinda like being called into a 180 in life.

When faced with the reality of things, it seems larger than life. Oh somuch larger than I would have ever imagined.

Yet I lost focus of joy, I lost what I was seeking. And thus I lost battles in my faith in my just living. But I am slowly gaining it back.

In fact I see and feel change in me. For one I shaved my beard and an keeping it trimmed, makes me look nicer n stuff. But tongiht I had alot of fun playing with some kids to get some photos. In community group a few weeks ago one of the couples had thier kids there. SO I was playing with them having fun. Oe of them, I think not even two said "mommy I like him he's cool!" I almost cried right there. That was teh sweetest thing I have ever heard anyone say about me. Talk about an innocent heart, man that was great.

Then watchign the Nativity Story, I got emotional several times in the movie, I was watering up really bad. But something kcked in and I wasable to not break down. I should have. But I commented Iwould bootleg it and watch it alone in my room and bal my eyes out. Just the birth scene was very over the top. Seeing these relationships like this is taking me over. Even beyond mushy.

My heart has been changed. This is why my struggles of late have been very difficult. I want to seek others, find a wife, grow deeper and intimate with Christ and God, yet Isee that when I give in or let my desires or even emotions overwelm me, that I am only serving myself and no one else. I want to grow into that intimacy with others, yet I block it.

The cross calls for death to self, to carry ones cross cannot be done alone, and this is at war in mty heart on several aspects. Yet this is a war I want to lose. In fact tongiht in sermon there was one thing that scared me. Sacres me. Me very friggin scared. According to C.S. Lewis one day it will come down to two kinds of people. Those who say "Lord thy will be done" and those who the Lord says "Thy will be done" Please I do not want to be on the latter. I do not want my will to be done.

So in this corner is the cross and the challenger is me. The cross before me and my sins surrounding me, yet one small force is already inside working changes. Just a few small tweaks can change the entire outcome of a program. As it is doing in me and it is not me changing but being changed.

I hate being sick

2006-12-02T11:43:00.001-05:00

I have been sick this week. It keeps getting better and then worse. Then again so has everything else for me lately. Especially my faith and my walk. I worked through a very hard chapter and saw how many idols and god replacements I have in my life. They all hit hard and all at once. They overwhelmed me. And for this week I have been giving up that life in which I was seeking, to return to many old ways and wallow in it. It's just too much for me I feel. That and being sick sucks.

How can I go onward if these idols and replacements are in my life? Doesn't that make me a double agent? Playing both sides? But the dreams I have had lately tells me otherwise. It seems that I still desire that life with a godly path.

The next part of the book deals with the cross. This is where things start to turn around I guess. This is the hard part of it all. How?

Share your thoughts?

2006-11-20T14:27:00.000-05:00

John 5:39-40
“You search the Scriptures because you think they give you eternal life. But the Scriptures point to me! Yet you refuse to come to me to receive this life.”

1 Corinthains 10:33
I, too, try to please everyone in everything I do. I don’t just do what is best for me; I do what is best for others so that many may be saved.

Deuteronomy 8:17
He did all this so you would never say to yourself, ‘I have achieved this wealth with my own strength and energy.’

I was spared...

2006-11-14T10:40:00.000-05:00

Last night I got to talk to my mother for about two hours. Yikes there goes more cell phone charges. But it is worth it as I got some answers out of her. I have asked both parents now what happened. The story started off as my father was going to be a preacher and my mother a preachers wife. Something went horribly wrong as that did not last very long.

Both had a very different answer. Both were vague enough that I can see they are both to blame and I know that many details have been left out. And I am fine with that. After our conversation last night I have gathered enough information to see a bit more of the bigger picture. I see now that even through my darkest I was spared from crossing over that line into the same sins. Even now I see that things are different.

In a nutshell anger ruled my family. Both my parents were angry at and with each other. And that anger spread to me and my brother. Life was not easy. And then things only got worse. the sins of the father do not have to be the sins of the son. In fact it may be that the son is the way of ending the cycle of sins of the father.

Both parents have apologized that they were not the best. They are sorry that things were not better. This does mean alot to me. To finally hear that after all these years. I see now that God was protecting me through it all. In fact I think it is so defiantly in the stars for me to be baptist. As even the church my mother took us to against our will was a small country church, once again baptist. It is crazy how this keeps sneaking into my life. But I still say dancing is ok!

On this broken road I can look back and see my parents towards one another. This explains why my views on relationships are messed up...were messed up. God has showed me there is something far more greater in him and through him than I ever saw on my parents good days. I saw how bad things were for me to now experience how GREAT they can be beyond my wildest dreams.

Anger rules my family, but it is at war within me now. It's loosing too. Not by my own power, but that from Christ. It still peaks it's ugly head out now n then. But it has shifted in power. It now hurts me in my heart to anger. It's ok to feel it but not harbor it. Be angry yes its ok, if you work through it. But let it go unchecked, that is bad and now it hurts. It never has before.

The best part of this, is the healing. To know that there is love out there so great that anger cannot penetrate it. This is not in relationships, friendships, marriage, it is firstly with God. And that love will trickle down back unto all the else.

Much has been learned that is just bad. But In the process of sanctification is a process of being broken and molded. My parents had it wrong and therefore my brother and I suffered. Seeing this contrast helps me see how much greater love really is. Love of God and from God and for God. That I seek and follow him it will take away the pain of old.

I feel more confident now more than ever that I will mess up in a family. But knowing that I seek God and bring him into the family first most, that he will not mess up and lead me, guide me, mold me into the head of a family worthy of him. The sins of my parents are not mine. They were without God. Now I know that I can be imperfect and seek him still.

As always God has taken many steps towards me. And now he calls me to take some serious steps back. But that is a different story for another time...maybe soon?

Lord give us new eyes

2006-11-08T12:33:00.000-05:00

At least new perspectives.

Even as I try to please everybody in every way. For I am not seeking my own good but the good of many, so that they may be saved. 1 Corinthians 10:33 (New International Version)

A call away from ourselves and for others not for our own sake and only for their sake in order to glorify God. It still needs one thing, the power and intervention of the Holy Spirit. I would hate to try to save people and get disappointed, but the heart behind this verse for me is putting away our self to others for God.

He did all this so you would never say to yourself, ‘I have achieved this wealth with my own strength and energy.’ Deuteronomy 8:17 (New Living Translation)

This comes to me a very humbling verse. Even applied to todays circumstances. For me this verse comes down from God and routes around you back towards him. It is also missing self but does it in such a way that it comes to you and comes right back to God without making any stops.

How often do we forget that things occur for a reason yet we wanna take all the credit. Even at that would be ok yet the heart issue here is un-thankfulness and not acknowledging God and all he has done and does for us.

C.S. Lewis has declared there are four loves. Yet I ponder are there several angers? At work getting frustrated or even if one were to stub their toe typically a quick burst comes out or if one gets cut off in traffic. But it lasts a few moments and then is away. Until the next time. Then there is anger at a friend or loved one or stranger. And that seems to last much longer.

Yet one thing is these days. I hate being angry. It hurts now more than ever. I never had it hurt like this. I know that only bad can com of it. I never felt this way about it before. I often looked at it as a right. But I cannot anymore. Even with road rage and getting cut off in traffic, I don;t feel as well afterwards.

1 Corinthians 10:33 even tells me to get over myself for others and forgive, let go of the anger, give that unto God.

Just as in Numbers when Moses was leading them into the promised land they were being put through trials to test their hearts. Much as does anger it shows what is in one's heart. Many times just like the people being led into the promised land I think that if I am struggling this much now how much harder will it be when we get there?

Except we have been told that it will be different and better. And come to think of it we are being led by the holy spirit unto a Promised Land. And we so more than often forget about this. But we are led just as they were those great many years ago. And in the middle of these trials we face here and now the focus is on our sols (our selves) and it speaks more about us how we respond to the trials and not the event itself.

In fact everything here on earth is a trial in preparations for the other side of the clouds. Even the good things like relationships and marriage. I am learning so much more about it as time goes on. Even the “Suitable helper” aspect, I still miss the point many times. I know I am not the only one but how many of us think of it as someone to be there for us after a long day of work, or someone to love and serve each other. But we will not be married in heaven yet two join as one here on earth.

How is this a trial? It compels us to live for others and to glorify God. It is not about finding a mate. It is about surrendering self to be there for one another. In heaven we will be worship[ping God all the time. That is very selfless. So how can we even turn something as great as marriage into something the amplifies and glorifies God? IN the middle of it will we still seek God? Will we still put him above our spouses always? Put him above ourselves even still? Good or bad marriage is a trial as we are not even to hold on to our spouses above God. Not even ourselves.

There are two different friends of mine in hard places right now where they feel lonely and are looking for marriage. I wished I knew how to tell them that they need to focus in on Christ more first and above all. I want the best for them but the loneliness if satisfied by another is not the answer. I fear that it has become an idol for them. Who knows maybe it will help mold them into more Christlike beings, but only if Christ is there foremost. Even without a significant other church and god should come first.

We see so many things good and bad that become trials. Even coming across a lot of money can be a curse if one is not careful. Money is a good thing to seek. Marriage is a good thing to seek. But what we seek first in our hearts should be Christ and when it is not is when trouble starts.

During the trials in our life we should still seek sacred community. Marriage is a a sacred community yes, but above that is the sacred community with God. And in such a sacred community there is no room for self nor bad events, not even good events. It comes down to how we respond to any of these events.

IN fact it seems the world at large we are very irresponsible in the world and in our walks. There is no good or bad there are events yes. Things happen. Why blame God? Then why blame anyone? If someone slaps you yes you could get mad and upset and retaliate against said person. But why? I could blame so much of my upset mood on work. In fact I have so many times, who hasn't? But what does it yield? Irresponsibility. There are other avenues to take. Even taking it to the cross, to prayer, to God. But we would rather point the finger and blame something outside of ourselves.

That does not sound pleasing in a sacred community now does it? With our relationship to God he does call us.

...Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you.
I have called you by name; you are mine.
When you go through deep waters,
I will be with you.
When you go through rivers of difficulty,
you will not drown.
When you walk through the fire of oppression,
you will not be burned up;
the flames will not consume you.
For I am the Lord, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
I gave Egypt as a ransom for your freedom... Isaiah 43:1-3 (New Living Translation)

This speaks volumes to me and I hope to many others. H is calling us. He is that date calling on the phone you have been waiting for. You know how it is when someone likes you, you just can;t wait until they call or email or text you these days. Same thing. Except the one who wants us did not have a phone back then but wrote a book for us. An entire book. Sheesh these day when you love someone you might write a song or poem and yet someone wrote an entire book and called us out right there for all to see and hear.

So the first step has already been set in a sacred community. We don't need the caller ID because we know who it is calling on the other side. But it isn't always peaches n fun now is it? We tend to slip back into self and forget the training for the promised land. We get sucked back int our own worlds that society loves to create. We have to take the steps back towards God always. But we slip up, we sin, we are human after all. But our hearts, are they repentant and humbly asking forgiveness or do we make excuses? Sorry I had a bad day.

You search the Scriptures because you think they give you eternal life. But the Scriptures point to me! Yet you refuse to come to me to receive this life. John 5:39-40 (New Living Translation)

We seek him and his words but do we really truly want him? We want his presence but not bask in it? We substitute marriage, groups, projects, sermons, etc for him. Even the scripture we do not apply it or take it to him as often as we need to. We seek the eternal but not from him. Come to think of it isn't this how so many relationships work these days? I have seen many relationships ruined as they still want self first then the other comes second. They are with someone for the sake of not being alone. We are with Christ for the sake of being a “good guy.”

In all areas in life it is relational. May we seek him in all we do and come to him after we read the scripture and it strikes us may we seek him. In marriage and relationships may we seek him to glorify him and seek his ways int our lives.

I guess the underlying themes that have hit me lately are getting rid of self as it is said in scripture he who looses himself will find himself (I can't recall the verse, but I know it is in context of In Christ). He is calling me into something greater unto him and unto marriage. Into a sacred community where I am not alone and I am seeking God and walking with others.

I am being stripped of everything I know and it is being replaced by deeper wisdom. Such as marriage, I do not want it unless it is in a way to glorify God. I know how much I have wanted to for so long, but I just do not want it taking me away from God, only to draw closer to him. I grow sad with anger and am learning the denial of self for God and others.

My two friends that are lonely in this way. I know it is hard on them as I know personally it has been hard. But as a friend told me early in the year, if you want change you are going to have to become that change. But there is still something greater creating the change.

I never thought that the gospel would transform me the way it has. I knew it could but to what degree I had no clue. I would not have made anything of this apart form God and the holy spirit working in and through me. It is not I but God who has molded me. It works better when I am not resisting him though!

This last year has been a set up for the next chapter in life. Nothing new happening just continuing on day by day. God is calling us unto him. The first step has already been taken. Will we answer the call?

I know there are others out there struggling with whatever but no matter what it all is a trial. Good and bad. He will lead will we follow?

no catchy title here

2006-11-05T22:48:00.000-05:00

For some time now I have been pondering much upon my heart. Tonight was nearly an overload at church. Scripture hit me twice and then the pastor hit me once...so to speak. It was a great blessing for the spirit to move through him and touch me.

Last week was hard for me. I will be honest I was very well back in the wrold with many of my sins and behaviors. Thursday and friday were the worst. In fact I was even upset at church and was contemplating not going for two weeks. I was very upset and used that as the basis for my anger.

Friday I did my weekly meeting to discuss anaother lesson in the "How People Change" class. I felt a wee tad better. But I was still upset in so many ways. But Before I took a nap I read the next chapter in the book. By the end of it my attitude changed. It was very different. I was no angry any longer. In fact I already have the lesson done and have revisted it.

Today in sermons I was pondering at how much the gospel has changed me over time and even these last few months. And it is comforting. My sins do sadden me. But repcing hope in myself ewith hope in Christ, I have nohting to bast about. As left up to me things would be very different.

I will miss the class during the break, it is only just now getting great.

I think maybe I really ought to write a book. I think it does have a great basis how one born to be a preachers son and fell before he was old enough to know God, now jounries back to where he was meant to be in the first place. Without the background or theology. A simple common man.

I amnot sure but it is something that I have been pondering over these last week or two during my blog silence. Much like psalms 88 the book will not end with the answers or on a happlily ever after note. It will end with a work in progress. Maybe Iwill share my notes form the lesson here soon.

I do have alot to share, but folks are so busy lately, few stop by here to check out thigns, and in reality folks are busy with school and holiday end of year stuff.

a pharisee?

2006-11-01T10:26:00.000-05:00

I am turning into Pharisee. My legalism is growing. I seem to rather bask in the knowledge or feel good about a spiritual event rather than push forward further towards Christ. I will feel in Gd one minute and then back in the World seconds later. And all around me I can see some of my friends and God working through them and hearing their struggles.

One friend told me of his reading of Future Grace by John Piper. I have heard get get all excited and passionate in conversations about apple computers, as do I. Yet I have never heard him as excited to talk about the book. I have never heard him more passionate.

A newer friend asked for prayer for his purity on an upcoming road trip back home. I barely know this guy. That takes much trust and strength to ask for that so early. That was really cool to see. That has got to be God at work.

There are many friends that struggle with various sins. And various events in life. And yet this does not encourage me as it should. I still fall back into the world.

I will get that revelation or come to an understanding in a particular sin in my life and feel the light yet I stop there. I do not keep going back. Here is the kicker of what hurts so much.

The least I do unto man is the most I do unto God. And what I do unto God is what I do unto man. I know that we are fallen yet we rally do have a hard time in relationships. Getting over self is such a huge task. Even as Christ calls us into self denial, it is so very difficult. I mean even looking at the bigger picture there are many more out there starving, homeless, sick, elderly, widows, orphans and so much more. Yet we all want that new Xbox.

In relationships, we often focus in on ourselves. We do not focus in on others as much. I know that we will always focus in ourselves to one degree or another, just physical needs, like drinking or going to the bathroom.

There are 7 deadly sins. Yet I truly see only one. The rest are a bonus. Pride, they all are rooted in pride.

I have gotten in touch with many of my old community group. It has been good to hear their stories and struggles. It gave me something to pray for them on. And then I get word this Thanksgiving I will not spend it alone. NOT........ahhhh finally. There will be a few folks here gathering. I can't wait. Solo holidays suck. That's most likely why I hate most of them and get bah humbugish.

Anyways the voice is getting louder to deny myself. And The more ways do I find to not deny and give in. In sermon last I am turning into Pharisee. My legalism is growing. I seem to rather bask in the knowledge or feel good about a spiritual event rather than push forward further towards Christ. I will feel in Gd one minute and then back in the World seconds later. And all around me I can see some of my friends and God working through them and hearing their struggles.

Actually thign are kinda rough right now. There are more question marks than there are periods. ANd it is drianing me. Mainly because they revolve around others. So I may not get the answer until it's too late. It's hard to have faith with so many thigns in all honesty for me lately.

ALso in sermon it was said its not about being in control but under God's control. I guess i blew that one too. When I think about it, I really do want control over everything in my life. I do not seek God as much as I should I know. Even when I struggle witht he lack of control with things in life, I do not seek him often enough.

I am slipping back into a worldly sorrow. But as firend pointed out the closer I draw to GOd the more sins I see...so this within itself could be a misplaced blessing. Actually I think I will run with that.

To be honest right now I am happy but sad with things. Happy of the new found relationships and revelations, yet saddened by the ever prevailant sins of self that are mounting and my lack of putting others first. Coming back to self and not staying with God.

Things are not peaches n fun right now.

A prayer I wrote

2006-10-24T22:54:00.000-05:00

OK I was asked to wrie a prayer. I never thgouth I would...but here it is.....this was a workbook question

Dear Heavanly father. My own tounge cannot begin to praise or thank you enough for all you do, have done, or are yet to do. Let alone just once act in my life. Forgive me for not being thankful. I thirst for more and do not drink from the one and only one cup. You show me time and again you are there and have it all in hand. Your love and blessings can never be counted. You love me so much that through my darkest of sins you love me still and set forth my life to your mercy, grace, and will. WIth as much I have in my evil selfish heart, fahter, I thank you. I pray that one day I live my life in a way that thanks you always.

Amen

How people change

2006-10-20T21:38:00.000-05:00

If you do not want to see yourself, If you do not want to learn about yourself, if you do not want more convictions of who you really are and how your life is more than what you have ever imagined, if you do not want to be challenged.....

If you still want to like yourself...

Then DO NOT get this book

Or the workbook.

I am sorry I had to pimp this book. It has been so very convicting and yet not so condemning. I typically like myself, but I see that I am not a very likeable person. In the realm of intimacy and community...Well it has shown me where grace has been all this time. And how my comfortable life, really is not so comfortable afterall.

I do challenge those who seek intimacy and relationships and community...those who seek change and a deeper level of heart to get the book and workbook. When the classes are offered again I will most likely advertise or pimp it again at church.

The mirror will be given to you (those who choose) and what will you do when you see the reflection? Will you like what you see? It is one such opportunity to see your life through the lens of heaven. Those who are prideful, beware. It packs a punch. And yet does not hurt or give any new wounds. It exposes the ones we already have. It has made me want to call out for more.

The best part is it does not TELL you, it asks you alot. And it comes to you for you to figure out. Everyone's path is different. This only calls you to the greater path and points to one place.

A deeper an intimate relationship with God.

So if you want to continue to like yourself as you are, do not get this book. Yet if you long for something deeper and greater, then get this book and workbook. Think, pray, and open your heart. That's all. The spirit does the rest.

How do you love me? Let me count the ways...

2006-10-18T22:46:00.000-05:00

I really want to cry.

In fact I should.

In matters of sin, we all should when we look into a mirror. Self. Me, myself, I, moi...that's what it's all about right?

One thing I have been very convicted of is me. My sense of self. To be honest it is driving me crazy. Saddens me. Self covers nearly every aspect of sin in my life and what I can assume everyone else's to one extent or another. I have nothing to offer God. I don't. I do not seek him when I should. I think of what I want to be when I grow up, what new toy do I want, eat what tastes yummy, watch or perform for entertainment...anything to serve myself and enjoy myself without the care for others.

In fact, I cal myself into question. Why should anyone hire me? I dunno because I will surf alot, keep my mind occupied by other means, slack off on time, take shortcuts around things, not care if a good job was done or not and not care about the team if it conflicts with what I want to do. Wanna hire me?

Then in relationships, let's start with general friendships. Would you be my neighbor? Well to quote Mr. Rogers that is, in today's terms friend. Why would you want to be friends with someone who wants you to like them and be on the same page? Who would not like you or get angry when you disagree because I am right and you should listen to me since I am your friend? Why would you want to be a friend to one who gives you the answers and does not listen?

In regards to a serious relationship with a woman? Yes ladies why do you want a guy who knows what he wants and does not want to work for what you want?

In asked to give, why do you want me to give graciously or for any reason? When I will spend money on what I want when I want it because everything has a reason? Yet complain that money is not being spent well in other areas?

I could go on for a long time. In fact I most likely should. But I am such a sinner. It hurts me to know I am this evil. How can anyone call me a friend? Even my own leadership status in church I am wanting to call into question. I know I am a sinner and fail. Yet I see how much of this aspect of self how can I love and serve and still be called a friend, leader, or even one day a husband or yet even a brother in christ?

I seek a greater level of intimacy. I seek it now greater than I ever have before and yet when I indulge selfishly it hurts after the party is over I guess you could say.

Yes ther are vary valid points and concerns in wanting to better myself in seeking God, yet my prayers are so much on me. How can I...? What am I...? What would you have me do lord...?

At what point do I stop thinking for myself and seek in progressing the kingdom? Be it leadership or evangelism, loving and caring for others. What do I do to others believer or non-believer alike? So far I do not do much. I take care of me so much more. Yes it is some serious internal development, but when do I express that same love, grace, and knowledge unto others?

In my greatest intimate relationship I ask and take so much. But I do not give back graciously or without thought. In our hearts to give without thought should just overflow from us. Within reason of course....no wait we are not called not hold back. Even with our own life. Yet we claim it as our own and protect it above all else.

I want to love in a greater sense than I have never loved or been loved before. And this I have and it grows so much deeper every day. Yet not enough for me to jump off and swim in the mud because I like it. I not only sin. Many sins we are not convicted of or do not know we win. But many I know and those are the one in which I swim. I directly sin against. I want to do what feels good to me and not give up anything for another. Not even God.

Now in mirror to my relationship to god what will a marriage look like? I do not want to see it. Tears well up in me right now just thinking about it. I am not loving. I just do not want to give up so many aspects of self. I want to love yes but the cost is killing self. We are called to deny self yes very much so.

How many more bricks can I add to the wall keeping me from true intimacy? This same wall is linked to so many sins. I do not want to let it go.

It is all by grace. I do not deserve any of it. I know without it I am condemned. Yet as a change of heart is needed. God has started a great work in me this is true. This has been seen by many.

In my heart I see that I am not willing to change in order to become....
...healthy
...financially stable
...a godly husband
...a leader
...an employee of integrity
...an avid follower of christ (in all his ways not just the ones I pick and choose around my sins)

I have my days. We all do. But we are called into something greater. And sometimes the sins scream at you after you ignore them after so long of ignoring or pretending they do not exist. Then the mountain seems so great. We then get discouraged and do not see God's grace and strength.

Ok on the intimate level with the creator, or anyone. Ok how do we offer thanks to the one who sent his son to earth to die and be punished for everyone else who deserve it? We live our lives pleasing ourselves and not loving others. We cling to ourselves and not use a great example of self-less giving.

Does this make us, in my case me, a pharisee or a hypocrite? Or both?

To those friends I do have that God has put in my life I thank each and everyone one of them. It takes a lot to love this sinner I know. But thanking God I cannot express and yet I do not express it. In fact I still retalliate aginst him by not following his commandments. Even his two simplest and greatest commandments.

Love the lord with all your heart, and love your neighbors as you love yourself.

That's nice I do not love god with all my heart, I love me too. And then my neighbors I do not love like me. That takes away form me being loved.

***update***
Not able to let this subject go, I did much furhter reading and stuff. I came to a place that made this all not seem to overburdening. In foresight Iforgot to see God at work. Taking thigns one day at a time letting God work through me. Even thoguth I don't have the answers I was seeking, the answer is once again God is at work and is caling me into something greater, I only need just follow.

Beard, marriage, book

2006-10-16T23:51:00.000-05:00

Ok I think the beard will stay. I am up to 8 comments on it. I will let folks get used to it and shave it all off one day...freak 'em out all over again!

Ok Marriage, I feel it differently now. One we will not be married in heavan so it is an earthly institution yet one with guiudelines from God if we do join unto anoth in marriage. It is not here as a goal, it is a gift from God. It has got to be one of the most greatest gifts of Grace from God that we can receive on this earth, next to Christ dying for us that is.

It does teach us love by whole new means. Yet it is not the end, it still should reflect our love to God on an individual level and one on the couple level and should lead each other towards Chrst at all times, wellhumanly possible.

We make it an idol and that is just bad. We do put alot into it. Marriage is a gift, it is not ours to claim. Yet we manage to somehow.

It's like expecting figts on christman or your birthday. Why not just be there loving one another and one day when his timing is right, not ours, we may receive that gift. We do not come to him with empty hands in asking this gift so many times. It is messy, takes time and great effort. It is not something to drop in your lap. It is not something you go out and get. You must be ready for joining with another and doubling your journey towards God.

And so many of us are not ready for it. By any means. If we cannot love God unselfishly how can we love another human the same way? We don't. If we expect thigns to come to us and not seek it how can we expect one who seeks the same?

Once upon a time, school, job, wife, family...in that order was my goals, in fact that's the most basic american dream. My parents did not happen that way. And they were going to be a preacher and preachers wife. Something went wrong.

Self was in the marriage. It was two people not two joined as one. And it crmbled. I pray that I do not repeat the same thing. I feel that God has told me to look at marriage, look at my parents. If I do not want to end up with that again to seek and follow him.

My parents marriage was not what you see on tv. In fact I Want to cry when I see onscreen stuff like that. It is often shallow and selfish. Too much woman power and male chauvanism to work anything out.

Marriage is not here for us to feel good or to stop feeling lonely. We put so much into this that we miss the relationship. It is there to honor God. To follow christ.

From the convictions and growth of these last few months I see one major thing. Marriage will not happen becasue I am a good man, stud, lady's man or anything. It will not be granted on me becasue I deserve it or feel I should have someone to prevent the past from re-ocurring. I will not get a bride from her feeling sorry for me or wanting me to lead her every move (I would hope that is not the case for anyone).

No, not a one of these wil I get a wife no matter the excuse I or anyone can ever make. I will get one by the grace of God as I do not dserve one. I am not a good man I am a sinner on a very long journey from the darkness that captured me from a young age into the light that may still yet take many years to com into and only from god.

I will one day learn to love in a greater sense of the matter. And not love for a wife. Oly love towards the creator that put me here and by his grace gives me a companion to join me in the path. Much change have I gone through and will continue to go on. I, we all should rather, take solace in God and seek his love above all. I have coem to see love in a new light that I should be upset that I was given the wrong definition for so many years. it is far greater than we can ever imagine.

Far greater than we can ever conjure up or create. In fact we did not create it yet we act like we did. Just look at all the dating sites and self-help books and tv shows. Man we screwed it up. How can we love in marriage? Well so far only God can provide that love and understanding. Yet it is stil not just love for a potention spose, yet only grow in the love for he who made us and the one given to us if that be thy case.

There finally I got my marriage thoughts out there. It's been stewing for some time and who knows. At the current rate they might change yet again or grow deeper.

I think I should write a book. Not on marriage but on work and suffering. I have comeacross alot of scripture and such, I dunno if it can be used for the work of the spirit and help reach out to others in the same boat as I? It would not be too long but it would be just long enough for a small book.

Two Year Anniv.?

2006-10-15T23:29:00.000-05:00

I think this was my two year anniversary of being at Sojourn. And looking back. I dunno where to begin. But I know that there has been such a change in me. Even how I feel towards a great many things. Tonight, even while being sick, I went out with some friends and it was a lot of fun. And funny.

Now just time with them was great. Just that alone if nothing else. But there was something greater I took from tonights activities. We had a good moment or two of faith moments. And I got to hear a glimpse of how they were doing in their walks. I appreciated that. I really took that as a gift for mew to hear. This was the first I have gotten to hang out with either of them. But to hear the “back-sliding” I just heard something in their voice.

It gave me something to pray for them. It was a gift to hear that.

Being sick sucks. Reading the book for the How People Change class...there is plenty for me to look at. In fact, I disagree with the book slightly but all in all I agree with the point made. I might share them on here soon. There a several thoughts to it.

It feels good to care for others in this way. A way I don't feel I have ever cared for them. I'm still learnin'

Wacky Wednesday

2006-10-12T09:51:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was just a very trying day. Things kept coming up changing the course of the day. I will be takign a class for work in programming. This could be a good thing. I can add something to my resume or help find another job with it. But the sad thing is the class is the same time as the "How People Change" class I just started.

But I will still work the workbook becasue it was such an eye opener. And then pick up back in January with the second half of the class. It was convicting without being condeming. It feels different than most convistions as of late. It makes me want to work on it not run from it.

One question the other night was what if God were to come to each of us and show us our sins? Its like the mirror in the Never Ending Story...the mirror that whows you for who you are. Wehre teh bravest of men are the most cowardly of mice. If god were to give me that same mirror or show my sins I would run away before I ever saw the mirror.

Just seeing god at work in not only my life but in several around me it just such an encouragement. And then those around me some of the sins get to me. There are two good incedents I would liekt o use but they would not be appropriate at this time. Well actually not at all in the blog world.

But in seeing thier sins, it is effecting me. In the means of growing concern and pondering those sins in the eyes of God. But I saw how my sins could be, in the eyes of another.

Many things in life seem to still be on hold right now. BUT I am ok with that for now. It seems that there is a different purpose for me lately. We shall see.

But how people change...that is not a question or a title...its a bold statement.

Oh how people change (by god, for god, from god).

How can anyone...

2006-10-10T22:33:00.000-05:00

Want to be a friend of mine? This is not a depression queestion, but a self reflection.

I am a self-righteous prick I guess one could say. Self-centered um ________ fill in the blank.

By God's grace that's how. I know I do not deserve the love I have gotten from brothers and sisters in Christ as I care about myself more than they most times. Ok almost all times.

But by grace, in which I do not deserve, They are in my life. As this settles in my very center of self is being torn apart. For so long this has been hiding in the corner in the dark. Pride. It's back.

And it does not want to go without a fight. Even in my best of intentions. Often I see the same intentions are withouth God. Therefore self. Hence self-centered and nto christ-centerd.

What I do to the least of Men I do to the most of God.

Father forgive me for once again I have failed to love.

(to be continued)

Tidbits n such

2006-10-09T08:52:00.000-05:00

I have been trying to blog for several days. But everytime I sit down to do it, I get writers block.

Last night's sermon was tough. In fact after reading of the scripture half way through it I shut myself off partially. Much like I packed it to digest it later.

My beard, should it stay or go?

Got the workbooks for the class I am in Wednesday nights, How People change, I thoguht I would be anxious to rip into the workbook, but I am hesistant...I am fearing getting back down that close in seeking God. Much like I don't want my swins exposed, Iknow them but I don't want them higlighted. If I close my eyes long enough they go away right?

There are two friends that are well lacking of jobs. How can I tell them in a way such Inot offend or come off unchristian to get off their (Rated G version) rupms and find a job, I want to throw in lazy and a few words after taht. But that would take it away from the rated G version.

Snergos has the Best friggin Latte period. Hands down. Nice n froth all the way through. It stands out form all the others. In fact it's worth the drive to get a cup.

aint my reflections

2006-10-03T09:42:00.000-05:00

Tonight I was asked how things are going and I really had no answer. All is well but none of it is collected. Many random thoughts.

Monday was great. I went to a new community group and I think that is where I will park it. It is a small group, for now, and I am the only single person there. Male or female I am the only one unmarried. It was a great group session. It felt very comfortable and allowed us all to open up to one another. It felt wonderful.

It was not like my last group. There is still community there. But I guess now and then it come a time to journey with others along their path. In fact that is a two way path.

These last two weeks have not been my weeks they have been god's. More and more. God's plan of course comes up and changes mine. God has brought me into the lives of others and others into my life. He has stopped me many occasions from things. He has intervened several times and taken over what I say. As I know that if it had been me I would have been selfish and said the wrong things.

Tonight I got to go to the class I have been waiting for a while now. It was great. A great start. In my job sufferings...God has given me plenty of scripture on that to. It just kept coming to me.

I thought this would be a long post. But it's not. Just simple reflections of God at work cuz I know it aint me. I wanted to call my mom today. Her number is disconnected. So once again it is in God's hands for her to get back in touch. I feel I may be much closer to trying to reconcile hat relationship much further.

But back to God.

It just does not stop

2006-10-01T23:20:00.000-05:00

Ok today sucked. I got my first speeding ticket. The sign dropped the speed and literally 20 feet later I was busted. The fine was a very steep $161, what a rip. Needless to say there goes my budget this month. In fact it seems that every time I make an advance something sets me back.

But that is within itself a test I think. Do I cheat my way out of things and contest it? Do I pay the fine flat out since I was speeding, even if I were in the speed zone I thought I was 20 feet before? I will watch out as that has been marked a speed trap. The sad thing is I did not see him and literally another 100 feet from the sign was a red light in which I was stopped at when the cop pulled me over.

There have been so many things of heart that is killing me. I see two lands separated by a river like thick moving molasses. Very difficult to move through. There are a few islands in between but you can;t stay long as they will suck you back to the mainland. One side me and the world the other is God.

I see some of the things I have been called or convicted of doing and it is just too hard. I do not want to do it. I honestly want to give up and let him work it out. Let things just work and without me. Weather I like it or not, change is here.

The roommates, there is still room for healing with one of them, but I just did not know how to pray for him or what I could do for him in this journey. But tonight I heard an option that there was concern I would take it personally. But I did not. I was happy to hear the solution after hearing what it was based on. It was about him and not me, something tat could be done for him. I have apologized before, but never really have asked for forgiveness. Most take them one in the same but they are not. One is a statement and one a request. But I see God working not only in my life but the other two as well.

Then comes work. This is so entirely difficult. My schedule hurts. It is physically suffering as I just cannot get a normal schedule. But it is not serious suffering like in other parts of the world. It is hard to do what is right and not what is easy or the way I want them. I feel I suffer there for no reason. Not like Christ, for when he suffered he knew why. I see no reason why I suffer where I am. But maybe it is not that I feel I suffer but the lack of how much I take to Christ or to God in these matters. Late at night I want to go to bed and sleep so I may shortcut a lot more than I could. And it hits me that the least I do to man I do more to God. This hurts. I so want to tell my employer what to do with themselves and let me feel human again, but I know this is not the spirit of Christ.

That hurts so very much. There are more Christlike ways to handle it, but I do not want to. That is on the other side of the river.

In fact what is on my heart is calling me to give up pretty much my entire self. Even a sense of entitlement. Wat I feel I want or need or deserve. Give it up. My wants and desires for myself. Give it up. My materialistic desires (new computer, job, etc). Give it up. My opinion to help others. Give it up. In all this I put myself higher then others. This is too hard. Many of the pleasures thoughts, desires, etc that I have for so long I feel called to give them up.

What does this mean? That my faith is being tested. I do not want to trust if it means giving up everything and being naked in front of all and completely vulnerable. This is hard. Very hard. How much does one need to give up in order to advance or grow spiritually? Everything. Even if that means giving up ones life. In fact our lives are not meant to be forever and they say the good die young.

Yet we take comfort and try to live as long as we can. This is admirable yes. But this also prolongs us coming to God, that is if we believe.

Even while dealing with my roommates here lately, has been just very hard. Even the ticket today is hard. It is hard to admit fault when there are other faults around us. Or feel targeted or picket out etc. We want to find others to blame or take down with us. Yes that is not what Christ did. They came to him for no reason, at least no true cause other than what was God's will. Christ did not fight. He gave up his life for his enemies. We make enemies out of our brothers and sisters in Christ and out of Christ.

Why can we not take responsibility no matter the cause? We may con man but how do we take it to God? Other than legalism? Even in being wronged or if we felt targeted...here is the hard part. Love is patient, love is kind, and keeps no record of wrongs (an a few more things). So we are to extend grace and forgiveness and not count it. Yet we get angry and hold things against others.

The river that separates the two worlds is Love. And it is hard to make it through. IF I am wronged, I cannot hold on to that entitlement. I must give it up. Things that bring me pleasures from foods to books or Things I feel I deserve, must give it up. To love one another is so hard. To Love God as is the greatest commandment, is even harder.

Even in knowing he is around working in us and others...it is hard to love him. To love others as we love ourselves, well we don;t do that right either. Not that we hate ourselves, but do we really love ourselves in the true sense as in scriptures? As Christ would?

The voice calls me from the other land across the river. There are islands in the middle that are controlled by the last minute folks from my side. Taking the last steps from letting you cross over. To give you rest while they take you further back to the riverbank away from he who calls you.

Even while others are wrong around us, we are not called for their wrongs or point them out. But only our own for they will not give a personal account for us, only we (individually) will. We cannot answer for them but only ourselves.

This is just hard. I may be on one of the islands but I hear the voice still calling me over. Telling me to come in the water and cross over. I want to yell back at him no I can't I don't want to. I want to take a few Things with me. I don;t want to give it up. I am scared to give all that up. I Am scared to love for who will love me back. The voice tell me that “I will love you and that is sufficient. Come to me. Come home.”

Forgive me lord for loving you comes at a great cost.

To be continued...

The calm after

2006-09-27T10:20:00.000-05:00

The roommate issues have settled but still have yet to be resolved. But that brings me back to the next round of fun. I am still getting my new mac up to par. Then I will be able to mace ready sell of my PC and imac. To be back to just one computer will be a wild thing to happen. This one has a few glitches, but thats stuff I can change eventually. I only need two more pieces of hardware and I will be where I want to be.

But that's all surface issues. In the realm of heart I am trying to get used to all the comments I have gotten from folks lately how my life has been a blessing to them in some way or another. Even encouraging. I am not sure how to take this. I know take it well that's for sure, but it is one of those things where I just do what I am doing, it is not I but must be the spirit working in me. So that is where the thanks needs to go and not to myself. It is good to know that people are noticing. That is always a good thing.

These last few days I have slowly been coming back to God but no where near what I can or should do. My heart is just wanting to come back to here and me and that I already see a road to nowhere. But we shall see what comes of it all. But only one day at a time.

Right now everything is on hold. From the dance classes to joining others at the YMCA so that I can start walking with people and start some form of weight loss. I also was planning on taking back up the photo course I started and was not able to complete it. That is now on hold again. All these things were cheap enough to handle but they add up fast. Just fast enough for me to see that may have to go to Rent when the lease is up In November.

I guess this is where I need to trust in God so that I will not worry about things getting taken care of. After Sunday's results it should have been re-proven that things happen and present themselves when we are not looking out after our own interests. So why should any of this be any different?

But reading the Proverbs the other night I started to see a pattern. I might even do an entry on it. It would be one I would most likely preface with a warning. In fact that might be a good idea. It has even given me a chance to look into my own life and see these things first hand.

Pop quiz...part 3

2006-09-24T22:11:00.000-05:00

Tonight was a rollercoaster within itself. I woke and did my normal stuff. One of my roomates came home and I played the ignore each other game for a while and I did my normal stuff and then went into church.

I was hoping for a great sermon but I got a lesson by other means. Tongiht was a baby dedication service and a baptism. It was great. But I was still out of place. I was verry dragged down. It hurts knowing I have this much bitterness and anger towards my roomates who are christian.

As the night went on things seemingly got worse. I went to talk to someone to meet up later so I could process through some of this. Well before my questions he had answers and was set on the answers. It hurt. I was needing someone to listen for a sec, nothing too deep but to listen none the less. But instead I got answers and not a sound of my question.

This was my breaking point. I was ready to come home and get very drunk enough to take the edge off and remove a few worries if even for a temporary time. I planned to go to an ATM and then get soem food before I went home. I was close to home when I got a phone call from a friend who helped. He talked me out of that desire. Well reduced the desire by 90 percent.

I made it to the ATM and then to a great mexican joint. I guess it is comfort food as that is how I used it tongiht. Instead of alcahol I got nice n full. It was so good. That is beside the point...actually I need to not use food like that either, but health is another toipic for another time. After I finished I got a call from one of the church elders I spoke with on my way out from servises.

He commented that I looked like I was downed for the day. I commented yeah I don't know which is worse the fact I am am down or wanting to go home and get very drunk. Then I got in my car and left.

He was concerned enough to call me after he got home. I told him I no longer had the desire. He told me that on the roomate problems he knows how it can drain you and it reminded him of a verse in Proverbs.

There was no deep sermon tongiht, but there were several people that were there for me. After that phone call I went home and then there was the same roomate from earlier playing the ignore each other game, so I went into my room and read proverbs until I found that verse. There were many good verses. I skimmed through most of them but a few really stood out for me.

Then I called the one who offended me earlier in the evening, the one with the answers, and we managed to have a great conversation. It did help put a few things into perspective. I let him know it offeneded me and such and we were able to work through it.

That's all surface but is onlly the start of things. The matters of the heart are much deeper than that and where the journey goes from here. Talk about a struggle. This pop quiz, so to speak, is much larger than I first thought it was.

Even in here sorting my thoughts the other roomate came home and the course of the night changed yet again. I hate having the hatred and anger I had inside for either of them. It really isn't me in any way.

Well there came to be some free time as I went back to my room and took back to scripture. I invted one of the roomates in my room and we talked things through. We saw there were two paths the surface and the heart. WE forgave each other and are back to where we were. But we saw that there were still issues between I and the other roomate that needs reconciliation as well.

So now that I was outside myself (as opposed to inside and prideful) I took the first steps and appoligized asn asked his forgiveness as well. This is the first I think I have ever specifically asked for forgiveness was with both roomates. I have appolgized but never took the extra step and asked for forgiveness.

Last night one of the thoguths that came up was that even in marriage...that was all I needed to ehar. How to resolve conflicts and work thigns out. Liek this case it was not a major disagreement but the potnetial loss of two friends and anger building up and hearts hardeneding against two brothers in christ. But even in marriage there has to be two way communication. And after thigns worked out I saw that I was the one to make that first step in taking the new communication.

I pray it works out but god's will be done, but I know that I have taken the first steps and that is comforting to me. THere may be secondary issues come up after all this is resolved or not, but that is another bridge for another time.

I read nearly all the proverbs last night. That was a great help. There were some in there that hit home too closely. And some to come back to later. But in seeing all of this I know I needed support, wisdom, guidance, and opportunity and God provided them all. It was unplanned so it was not me coming up with the words when talking, so they must have been from God. I just acted upon what was on my heart and not put thought into it.

So even to the words God placed them there for me. He provided me last night with people that cared and were concerned for me. People are picking up on me now. So I guess there is no more hiding from folks anymore haha.

This is not done by any means and may be a part of a larger process. That's ok. One day at a time. It did show me several things in myself that I have not liked at all. One day I will look back on this much like the footprints prayer and see there are patches like this that are not in the sand but in the mud. And still there are only one set of footprints.

Why does healing hurt and take so long? What a great part of the journey!

Pop quiz....part 2

2006-09-22T08:30:00.000-05:00

The more I sit and ponder this week's events the more difficult it gets. Even in my superfical or temporary happiness of a new mac mini, I still know there are some pressing issues.

Two Tom's:
I can see that there really are two of me. The internal and external. And the way people have been communicating with me has been so different. They are seeing the person God has been molding me to become. Inside I know I am a hack most if not all of the time. I know that there are still many issues and such in this long journey. But even seeing that contrast shows me one huge thing. All of the internal struggles and discoveries and everything, is truely effecting the external self. And people are really picking up on that.

Phillipians 2:4-11:

Don't think only about your own affairs, but be interested in others, too, and what they are doing. Read full verse CLICK HERE.

All these verses stick out. And in the current roomate situation none of us are doing such. But I know I can only account for myself and should follow this. And this is the difficulty. WHen i really wanted three of us living together it now seems I am called to live only as one with nothng. This goes against ever fiber of our nature and is very much a deep sense of self denial. How can I care about thier own requests when it seems very obvious that they care not of my own. Then to think of impirsonment such as Paul and otehrs in the bible (a bit extreme but it does give a good point) and how they had nothing and sthey still kept on in loving God and thier enemies. Seeing them as an example is encouraging but doesn't make it any easier.

God wanted me back:
In all this I was pretty much in a dry spell. Not dried up but was just running on fumes for the most part I guess. I would read scriptures of a good book but I would not come to CHrist for those said riches. I wasn't turing to him or taking that time. And I guess this is a way of him saying "Oh so you don't want to talk to me lately? How about now?" Well it has by powers not of my own, helped me regain much focus and want that relationship with him. Even later on the same night all this went down. I was called to help another. So it became a falling down, coming to check up on me, kocked the dust off, found no bones were broke, and calmed down...ok yer good now go forth here is a mission for you. SO I needed to be ok for me to be more there for another that night. But I needed to be taken care of first and I was. In return I was there for another at the drop of a hat. Even when I was seconds away form ordering a fudge brownie with ice cream....ohhhh man! It was worth not ordering it though.

Anger is the darkside fo the force:
That is what scared me the most I think. I have not been that furios in a long while. I have never been so mad I was shaking. Now a year or two ago my results would have been different. I would have went to a movie, after I got somewhere near a normal mind, just to numb it all out for a while and calm down. Which would be ignoring most of the issues at hand and only outs off the bigger issue. But I knew that I needed to talk to someone. And That came to be. It was a call that helped me get back on the road towards God. It was so evil and unhealthy the anger I had that night.I did not like that in myself. It scared me. But knowing that I needed to reach out to another in Christ, that is comforting. It was comforting. But anger is such a powerful force. Yoda is right we sholuld listen!

...anger leads to ....
Most of anger is deep rooted issues with pride and selfishness. Now there are forms of healthy anger but I think only if the anger does not involve personal matters. We live in an angry world. We live in a world where grace is hard to find. We are evil and unfogiving and this is society deep rooted in us. we would rather control everything instead of letting God work. We punish criminals rather than helping them in repentance or chaning their lives. We want vengence upon them and not to change them. Just like was said in Take the Lead...we find somewhere to point the blame but the probles do not go away, we do nothing about it. Even in my situation this week at first I wasnted to get even and then one. Show them not to mess with me like that. This was unhealthy and I did not act out upon it. But the thoguht was there. It was very ungraceful.

Two roads:
In all this I can see the godly path to the situation and then my path. Two completly different roads and Even my back up path to just sever the connections and end it all, well it is not the most godly path. I feel safe going my own way to the solution, but knowng that the godly path would require a great mass of trust in God and accepting of his will. And this is more difficult than I would have ever imagined. It is more than a request but my emotions, felings, thoughts, and self are all denied in that path.I wold not even be a person and would be that of a slave in order to complete the task.

U save U lose, U lose U save:
But I know I must as it has even been said that any man who saves himself will loose and anyone who losses himself will find. So how can I be both spiritual and practical. As what was origninally asked of me (what set me off) was a physical impossability and I would be imprisoned in my own apartment.

Pause:
Right now the matter at hand puts everything in jeapordy for me. The dance classes and going to the YMCA with other folks from church and even resuming the photo classes are now on hold until this issues is resolved. But that is surface issues at this point. The greater issues of the heart is grace and self denial, but the most is seeking God through all of this.

I have been listening to Nicole Sponburg's song Ressurection alot lately. It seems to hit home. the fact of in need of ressurection and only from God as I have no power. This is hard, I dont want to give anything up when the others are not comprimising anything. But that is not what we are called for.

So Gd wanted me to come to him. Got my attention and there are two roads, God and the world. I just wished there were bridges between the two roads every now and then.

So what's up with today?

2006-09-21T13:21:00.000-05:00

A normal day really, sitting working,listening to the narnia soundtracks...but something feels different today. I don't know what. Feels a new day or something.

Just wierd and outta place...yet I feel in place where thigns are at, just feel different...I really dunno.

A pop quiz

2006-09-21T07:59:00.000-05:00

Ok thngs were sorta dry there for a breif while. I was seeking God but not pursuing God. Or vice versa...soemthign like that. I would seek a good book or scriptures but not God in the matters.

I was slowly coming around...or so I thought. But It seems that there was a huge pop quiz that threw it all off. To keep matters short I would say it was a serious roommate issue. And I have not got that angry in a long time. I was shaking I was so mad. I had to leave work as I could no longer focus in at work. I was enraged I guess you could say.

Now this is where the difference comes in. I knew that I cold not de-escalate my self, so I made some phone calls. And there was genuine concern. I was able to meet with someone last ngiht and talk about it and gaiend some great perspective on the matter.

It put the focus back on God. The focus I had lacked over the last week or so. Before I met with the friend I went to a bookstore and the smell was soothing. Went to the Christian book section, which was nothing but the mainstrem books and noe of the good ones, and flipped through a few of them. It hit me that this could very well be a test to draw me to God, and a test of Grace.

Then later I see that in my anger however much is actually righteous or called for (I know I am not all innocent yet I am not the only one wrong) that this sia test of self denial. As the Godlike response and mine were not on the same page if even in the same library.

So this is now also a test of self denial. There are surface issues and there are heart issues. I was so upset at the surface that I did not see the heart issues.

But even last ngiht I was given an opportunity to help another in need. It felt great to forget my issues and help another. In fact for that while they all went away. Then after that I had a followup conversation with another friend and that was encouraging too.

It may be time to seek new romates, but not time to end another friendship...at least this time I can't let the friendship go as it is a brother in christ and we are called to forgive.

POP QUIZ
Show Examples, in great detail, in your life:

1.) Grace

2.) Self Denial

3.) Drawing to God

Turn in at the end of class

(note: this is a visual example, not a request for readers)

Knocking on my door...

2006-09-18T08:14:00.000-05:00

I know this weekend I had a million points to make in a blog to help clear my mind. Today I cant recall even the first part of it. Funny how that works right? Well yesterday was another great sermon. For me it was more encouraging than convicting. But I saw that it did have an impact on some folks there.

In a nutshell the seeds that were planted have begun to come forth and how unpatient I am and have been. I forgot and given up hope on some of it and it came back to me.

I get all nice in a book or scripture but once again I do not seek him for that.

You search the Scriptures because you believe they give you eternal life. But the Scriptures point to me! Yet you refuse to come to me so that I can give you this eternal life. John 5:39-40 (New Living Translation)

So this is where many of my troubles are right now, just not seeking him. But knowing that events in life keep coming up for him, werll it's hard to forget but I still manage to somehow. Just a nice lil prodigal life here huh? I am not the only one.

I just wonder how many other folks at Sojourn have the same issue? Or the hiddeness that engulfs them when they are not at church.

More to come...

Sinday

2006-09-15T09:35:00.000-05:00

Ahh Friday, The night shift day. Hopefully today I can...well I need to sit down and focus on what tasks I need to perfrom for the day. Yet I seem to have been so self-centered I could not maintain the focus.

SO last night before I went to bed I decded I neededd some focus on things. So I started watchign The Passion Of cChrist again. It has been since easter of lAst year that I last watched it. I guess I have come a long ways with thigns as I was looking at it breaking it down and it seemed to have more of an impact on me this time around.

I was paying attention to Peter mostly and the human side of Christ. How Peter was still a flawed man and yet became a very big player in things to come. And even at that Christ put all he had into only 12 men to go out and change the world. Yes the world was smaller then but still a large world. And yet he only sent twelve.

Even Peter who after he was told he would do it, denied Christ three times. And still was loved by him. I saw that I too am as human as he. I am a sinner as well. In my sins I see that common theme once again. Self.

No matter the excuse for them as there are no excuses. I obviously choose to let certain situations drive me certain sins. ANd these sins and my self-centered heart that does not want to give up being selfish, is keeping me from loving him, myself and others.

Right now I seem to be focusing on keeping him on aim but I'm still weaving in and out.

In life there are two different friends right now and have two different ways of helping me. Both are somewhat unerving yet I see how self is slowing down the process on them both to an extent but then the message from both of them are different. One is wanting me to do more. Which would be me joining not only he but others in one or two areas of life. It may be getting on my nerves (due to self desires) but I see that he wants me to go deeper.

The other I can see it two ways but one speaks so much louder than words. He is putting a conditional on our walk. And this sends the wrong message to me. Even in Galatians where it speaks of helping everyone especially those in christ. To me this sounds like we are not to care equally for those not in Christ.

The way I feel on things is we are to love everyone the same and in the same ways (if possible) no matter if they are in christ as they too are a part of God and therefore the greatest commandment is to love him with all our heart and then secondly to love everyone as ourselves. It doesn't say go get a god's club membership first. Now if it comes down to a war where we have to build each other up for the battle that is one thing. No then again it is not.

If we start putting conditionals on these things they loose value. But I do see one thing though, even as I try not to live in this conditional way and help everyone is that while I still live in this world (living worldly), this prevents me from helping or leading others. I counteract the holy spirit living and working in me.

Why do I forget (like so many others) that one God loves us personally or loves me rather, that it is not our acts that will save us but our faith and his saving grace?

I know that this month is going to be rough as things are changing but I may have let that become an excuse for the sins of late. It is time to focus now and not put a set date on things. A time that I need to find how to truly repent of these sins that have come back over and over or just wont go away. This is a time I need to work on my relationship with Christ and knowing him better personally.

End of the ride...

2006-09-11T22:08:00.000-05:00

I started my vacation in the world and not in christ. I ended it the same yet deeper away from Christ. It took a few days and I am slowly coming back out of it. More like I am being delivered from it not of my own power.

Relationally this has been such a rough week for me. Work is negative and only getting worse since the football season has started. This is and will drain me. I want to do the will of God while at work, yet I want out and be deleivered from teh physical suffering inflicted upon me every week. I am weak. I want out.

But that is only the start of things. The world of relationships of all sorts have been on my mind this week. Looking back at all the role reversals I have seen how far things have come in the last two years. Looking at all the lives around me...

This life of mine is not those of my family or friends, yet the life before me is the life God has given to me. The other lives may have had an impact upon me at various stages in my life. Yet they are not mine. I am seeing the life God has given to me. My path is mine from God. I am starting to see this now.

Things have been hard but seeing these lives this last long weekend, I see that There is only one relationship above all to work for. And that is the one from Christ. the relationship with God. Even though I have been in the word I was just as welcomed back. Even knowing I would track mud in the house (so to speak) I was still welcomed back inside.

Once again it is not putting too much into man but putting more and all into God. This is the next theme coming up alot lately is the relationships of husband and wife.

After knowing that my parents did not have that biblical based roles in thier marriage, and seeing the relationships I have shared with so many others as of late...The truth of the matter may lie in between those pages. And only in there through and by God.

For many years I like so many have beleived that if I had that one person in my life that it would help me through my pains and life. Which in turn I guess I put extra umph or expectations or rules onto the relationship. My uncle gave me a magazine this weekend that has a great article called Single and Not Looking....there was a great paragraph in it but the one part stands out:

God will never give us anything to replace our need for His Presence in our life. Chris Burge

And I know that I have been guilty of this for so many years. And seeing my best friend in his many relationships, he's good with the women (but then it's all based on sex), I see how I was. I saw externally how a life without God first is effected.

Upon reflecting other tidbits today I was at the men's shelter with my weekly pc lab stuff and one of the female volunteers showed up and sat and talked with the director and I in his office. She was just beautiful. Not her physical body, well she was but I could not see it as I could only see her...I saw christ working through her. It was very moving just to be in her presence.

She was telling us how she started going to a church where she is about the become a member. That the serom she heard on one of her first visits was on male leadership biblicaly. And hearing her talk about it you could tell it had a profound impact on her.

So sitting there listening to a christian female perspective on this was just a blessing to listen to her. Just feeling God's presence at work in her life. Then I started thinking about another conversation I overheard one night after service. It was me and another guy listening in on two women talking about the same topic. In fact one of them said guys you might wanna take notes on this. This was one of those rare moments where we (men) get to hear the inner goings on of women.

The conversation from what I recall of it was about the strong leadership yet gentle leadership from a man. These two words don;t typically go together but I can see that this may be lacking in many of today's roles.

Then at my lil dance movie party just hearing some of the women make comments when certain parts like that laedership issue came up...it was like I should have been taking notes then too. Even another blooger even did an entry about dancing and leading on the dance floor. And myself about the dancing as life or in relation to our walk with God.

There seems to be a pattern here that I am picking up from the women. It's sorta funny cuz us men aint supposed ta listen. Man that sounded liek Rabby! haha

But seeing this all as relational is something to be taken seriously. One how we rlate to one another is the aspect not how to relate to our spouses...yet it is a part of it. But that we not forget it is God is our relationship. This is where things get tricky for me.

One I did not see this strong godly relationship between spouses when I grew up. Just a nasty divorce. But When I see these blogs and hear these comments as such, I see a greater role for me and a greater love gven in return to them. But this should not replace our relationship with God. Marriage as in today's world....

I am and should be furious and outraged as society has lied to us about marriage. It has robbed us of something far greater. Even in relating to one another. Sadness should flow all around. Yet God is showing me there is something far greater than I have ever imagined. But which relationship do I seek?

On the bigger scale of all things and in relation to all people. Even in my desire to not end up like my parents in marriage...God is showing me the way in just relationships. All of them and not just a mate. He has let me know that this is my life and no one elses. This is what he has given to me. My pains and sorrows he wants them too.

All he wants is my love in return. AS mentioned in sermon yesterday we forget too often that he loves us, personally. He is showing me many times and in unexpected places he wants me. All I need to do is follow. Seek him. And make him the greatest relationship ever. All the other relationships...well they are secondary yes, but they are also loving God in return.

There have been an instance or two where I have been called to help others personally here lately. I have been alled to walk with them in a cartain area. Even now in my heart stirs a passion or some thoughts of a cartain type of minstry. Something is stirring inside, and I am seeing God at work in my life.

I have been called

...Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine...Isaiah 43:1-2 (New Living Translation)

I have been called.

A long weekend

2006-09-07T16:59:00.000-05:00

This has been a very long weekend for me. And it just doesn't stop. This morning I was drying my hair after a shower and pulled a muscle in my upper left shoulder. And it hurts. So I will be drugged up on some powerful meds again tongiht at work.

But Saturday I started my small vacation with a series of road trips. My car is excellent! It can now take over 400 miles to a full tank of gas! What a trooper! So gas did not eat into my funding as bad as it could have.

But thats just a bonus of it all. I started the trip in the world and not in God. I still feel shallow or just going through the motions. But more now I feel displaced. I know I am here but I feel elsewhere.

I observed alot this weekend and saw those I held close or high regaurds are as flawed as ever. I could see works that come full circle it seems. I can't, well shouldn't go into names but I could see how the tables have turned for some folks. Even my family.

SO this leaves me with where am I now? I wish I felt better to unpack it all. I really need some good time with God but it feels so self centered and shallow and the world keeps taking me back in.

Then its hard to do sitting in pain and having too many thoughts running wild.

DUring the first 5 hour trip I had some good talk with God. I felt it was good but it just wasnt moving. I was on my way to east tennessee for my family reunion. I have not seen them in two years. So this was a great time. But there were many folks not there this time.

I did see one cousin I had not seen in, over ten years I think. He has lost alot of weight. I heard his story and just saw the results. It was great to see it since it is a story close to mine. He is just a tad taller than me and the weight I want to be at, he looks good. So this gave me a great vision of what I will be at my intended weight goal.

But there were others in my family and the language was, well I was on guard from it. I guess they were as human as anyone else. And I don't like using the term redneck, but I have to with some parts of my family! I so wanna laugh at it trying to figure out how I came from that gene pool! hahahah THen my dad was even there and he and one of my great uncles gave me greif over the razor lost its way to my face. That was just funny. I told them straight up I just didn't want to shave. Then again I have only ever heard one comment on my beard, so until I get a serious comment I think it will stay.

But on a serious note I just observed my family's interactions and such. I did notice more new cousins, the young ones are all having kids. And all of them girls it seems. So we need some boys and considering the track record of my family I will produce a boy! But that is another story for another time.

The next leg of the trip was back to Nashville where I got to see my brother and neice. She is just adorable. She is just a cute lil smiler! Then I got to see my dad and step mother for a while and chilled out with my friend.

This is the part wehre things got deep. In total watching friends and family this long weekend...I see that their lives are not mine. I see the events God has layed before me and those are MY journey. Those that I look up to or are in relation to me (family, friends, etc). The past is what has molded me into who I am today. But that is not where I am to live or to repeat.

I guess that should help me put things into a better perspective. This is my journey and what comes of it. It is not my life it is the one that God has layed before me. How to live selflesly in love and serving one another is ...well that's a nother topic. But it looks where I need to be heading.

From what I have gathered this month will be tough on me. A very long september. It will be a month to get things gathered. October will be setting the stage. I will be taking on some more intense fellowship and studies I think. THings like Dance, walking, a class, and then everything else that is already on my plate. Then comes November. I will then try to take a two day retreat to the monstary down in bardstown to get away and focus.

Then Come back and as Captain Picard says "Make it so!"

By then I should have a more clear direction of where I should be going according to God's will.

Molding of a man... some thoguhts

2006-08-31T08:54:00.000-05:00

Earlier this summer, in fact Spring I saw a nice lil flick, Take the Lead.

This week I had a lil gathering of frinds with dinner and a movie. the very same movie.

These last few months (let alone these last three weeks) things have changed, for the better, deepened, etc where now the word Gospel transformation has come up alot.

transformation, molding, change, growth.

Many areas in life need some tweakage and inviting of others in my life in those said areas (health, finances, spirituality etc).

What is my role in leadership? The engine up front pulling the train? The caboose pushing the train? Ot the guy in the passenger cart going car to car making sure things are still running and often times sitting in the same seats with the passengers? My leadership is often a hidden behind the scenes keeping theings running in s aservant like support.

But the changes in life...

I feel it in conversations with people these days...there is something different in most of my talks at church and the folks through out the week. Something has changed.

Now I see self and want out of self to let room for the holy spirit to work.

The benefits of dance, health, social skills, self-esteem, grace I can go on for an hour on these benefits....

How can we use the philosophy of dance as it is very relational just as the gospel is. How can dance be used as the medium for gospel transformation where dance is only the vessel and not the whole event. Where prayer and the bible ourrelationships with God are more prominate than the dance aspect.

My journey is taking shape somewhat. There is much to ponder and I will have a lot of time here this weekend when i go to my family reunion. When I come back I have a feeling things will be set in action.

These changes that have come and those that are to come how can they be used in such a way for the glory of God? How can my life be used in a way for him?

Just wanting the dance has links several issues together for me to happen. Fiances, health, and even relationships. The desire within me is that while this is happening and when it comes to a new stage (or what seems the work completed) to help others and make it a ministry to others...

Dancing is a way of life, it is about realationships and gospel transformation changes you. But the relationship with God will and should be developed first aobve all.

I pray this is not just my will but God's will and that my desires are his and not mine.

God.
relationships.
helth.
dance.
life.
gospel.
molding.
God.

Molding of a man...

2006-08-30T22:03:00.000-05:00

Sometimes an answered prayer is like a rug pulled from under you but you are still standing. It leaves you wondering if you should have fallen or what you are to do from here.

Even in spekaing with other people here lately, I can sense a change in how I realte to them and they me. There is something there that I haven't felt before.

Transformation...what a word.

Looking at the journey ahead I think several additions have just come up. To be added to the journey. It has become slightly, just a hint of overwelming. But a very small hint. Yet It is being molded.

Just give it to him and everything will and is forming to his will.

I cant talk about it all right now, can;t form the words for it all...but it is all good. All very good.

Some quiet time

2006-08-29T22:05:00.000-05:00

Ah some time to sit and collect my thoughts. Today was a great day. Still a tad on the not feeling well side, but things went just so well. Things got done and now I am tired. There were some great thoughts in the middle of the day that have helped a lot. I got the listen to the sermon from two weeks ago that really hit home. In fact I listened twice.

But I feel well and peaceful for the moment. I know that the last few days I have been drifting away from the stronghold I felt there last week. Not feeling well does have a draining effect on people. But that is no excuse for not putting forth effort in relationships, especially with God.

I guess I am not looking back far enough. My favorite stories are those of redemption. Where a villain so evil can turn to good for whatever, but more so that he does a 180 and does the reverse of what they once were doing. I could go on about this one. But I know that this too may be my story. Maybe it is one that I can share with others one day.

There are too many thoughts to sort through right now. And maybe I should not share them. Rather take them to prayer. No one else is home, perfect alone time with God. Finish cleaning up from tonights festivities and take some quiet alone time with God.

Three times today have I come to thought, once form the sermon, once from a blog, and then from a movie.

What am I feeling at the moment? That he is not there, yet he is here!

Book Review: Pursuit of Holiness

2006-08-23T08:31:00.000-05:00

I am still trying to go over all the thoughts from the readings of the Pursuit of holiness from Jerry Bridges. I have the audiobook which I listed to maybe 5 times, and the book I read 1.5 times, and the one full time with the book went with the audiobook going at the same time so I stayed with the book. Then to take things up a notch I did the study guide too.

The study guide did give some great questions but some of them I thought were very misleading or the answers had nothing to do wit the questions. But I still saw great progress in the chapters.

It started early and asked for you to give an answer what holiness means to you. Here is what I wrote.

Holiness: becoming pure and without flaw in completeness or shalom, selfless as a part of a greater kingdom and world.

It reasked the same question near the very end.

Holiness: a total putting off of yourself second to God and doing his will against your own and holding to his promises and word. Not only removing of old self to seek new self in Christ, but to loose self in order to find Christ.

I can see how the answer got more developed over the course of the workbook. But here are more notes of what I took away from the book.

To seek him we must loose ourselves

One sin have a byproduct of many other sins

We should not say victory over sin, we are either obedient to his will or disobedient.

We are called to live holy and pure lives

We must rid our old habits and make room for them to never return

Those are the big points that got me while reading through it all. There were many more small ones but these are the main ones. But there are several scriptures that stood out as well. Romans 12:2, 1 Corinthians 6:18-19, Philippians 4:11-13, Colossians 1:9-11, John 5:39-40, Romans 6:19

Even the times I was upset at the questions I still would recommend getting it. It does get you thinking. This is not a how to solve all your problems book, or how to be that winning Christian book. For me it was a book that more clearly defined the road ahead. Helped give light to some of the darkness I was in regarding my sin. Its an opening book, not a closing one. It points you back towards Christ. For everyone I can imagine this book different.

Much like the neverending story, everyone who read (red not reed) it, read a different story. Depending on where you are in your walk, life, and sins, this book may have a different effect on folks.

Another case of the Monday's ?

2006-08-22T22:02:00.000-05:00

Not exactly another case of the Monday's, but a good Monday it was. You never know when God wants to tell you something, or when you can learn something form someone. Last night was the bowling night I have been trying to plan for some time now. It finally happened and several folks were there. It was fun. Even though my scores were not that great, it was lots of fun.

But then it got spiritual for me. After the bowling fun we hit up a nice ice cream joint. So I am sipping on my peanut butter cup shake when I over heard a question about how work was going.

Earlier in the evening I mentioned to one of the guys that I knew tomorrow was going to be a bad day. It is my Monday (first work day of the week) which is always packed as it is, but the weekend shift there was a new sports thing for the high schools and I messed it up. So I got an email about it. Which the tones are never pleasing, anyways I was expecting the day to be not to well at all. So that was my comment to my friend about work.

Now at the ice cream joint He asked one of the other women there about how work was going. I can't remember the whole answer but she said that she shouldn't complain.

That hit me. You could hear in her voice it may not have been a great job, but she could not complain. I have an issue with that myself. It is hard not to complain there as I just, well would like a new job or new schedule where I can sleep like a human again.

But what I did do that night is I went home and did some serious prayer. I did write down many requests and prayed them all. I asked God for his help. I know how angry and frustrated get in those situations. In a place where grace is no where around. Where only perfection is allowed it is hard to not get defensive and defend ones self in such a way that defies godliness like meekness and humility. So I am there in such a place angry and frustrated. Within my own power I cannot change this. I took it to prayer. I eventually passed away into slumber and felt good when I woke up.

I prayed once again on my way into work. I wanted my focus to be on working as if for Christ and not man. Yes my day still had its flaws and a few work habits need some tweaking, but the day went ok. Nothing bad occurred. Something felt different.

So I picked up my devotional bible tonight which I am finding a bit gimmicky. Ya know Christianity with a cause kind of book. It has given me some great insights on something and does help some. But it is still gimmicky.

It had a series on relating to my workplace. Some of it stood out but I came to most of it in prayer and scripture. My thoughts are still all over right now with the work issue. But knowing that I have a job, I should be thankful. When I complain about the work what exactly am I complaining about? Is there more to it than what I say?

Also when working work as if it is for God and not man. Which the secret is we always work for God but we put man in front. Or even our own hearts and desires first.

Someone else may be at fault for your plight, but if you are a believer in Christ, nothing comes to you that doesn't first pass through God's hands. Lius Palau; Where is God when bad things happen?

Bad day at work? I someone to blame? Maybe they are. But we forget to recognize God's sovereignty in the situation and follow him accordingly. Today by his doing I remembered to not let anger and frustration take over when one of the expected bad conversations started. I remembered. It was over before I knew it.

Now in working for the lord and not man I found a great verse that stood out so much more in one version than the others. Most put it in terms like if you work for god you will succeed. I have a problem with this translation. It does not mean you will succeed in that task and it does seem to give a false promise. As sometimes he means us to fail in order to learn and better understand his love and grace for us. Sometimes to learn it is hard. But here is the verse in in New King James.

Commit your works to the LORD, And your thoughts will be established. Proverbs 16:3 (New King James Version)

It's not about succeeding, but establishing your thoughts. This spoke to me as work for God and you will be revealed. What you have inside and who you are will come out in your work. Your heart and thoughts will become established in your work. That's at least how this verse stood out to me.

But the difference in one version can sometime throw one off. But one belief I have had for some long time I saw it in words from another tonight. Better said than I. Think of this as if we live and work, out whole of life is unto God...

No translation is quite effective as the flesh-and-blood edition. Vance Havner (North Carolina Pastor)

In our work lives we may very well be more of a translation of the word, through our lives, that we may confuse or run others away from him while we work, live, and play. This is often hard to accomplish to those in our everyday lives. Yet it is often what we do behind the scenes that should go unnoticed and unsaid. God knows. It is a hard line to draw I know.

And one last thought of the night, is I saw just a tad bit more of how I have no power or control. I cannot take credit for any of the changes in my life no matter how secular I try to be, because the world is performance oriented you have to produce and change. Yet I see it is God working in my as I know there have been several occasions where I did not chose my action I wanted to. On my way to work this morning I realized I have no power whatsoever. If I did then I would have created myself. God created and has power.

Otherwise we could create our own selves. He created, he controls. Just as we create something we claim it as our own and take pride in it. We control what happens to it or not. Like a macaroni sculpture. We made it, we love, it, it is all ours. We control who we show it to. Or decide to trash it when we grow up.

God made us. He loves us. We are his so therefore he controls us. Oh yeah and on my way to the bathroom today I thought of Sigmund Freud (Fraud), he commented that man made our image of God in our need for him. So we made him up. Hey Siggy old buddy...Maybe we were created to see God? We did not create god out of nesessicty, he created us.

Twas just another manic Monday

2006-08-18T19:18:00.000-05:00

Monday set the tone and changed the course of this week. In fact it started at one point as as a long train ride, was an adventure and now has stopped at a station with thoughts all around.

Monday I read all but the first two chapters of A.W. Tozer's Pursuit of God. I already had the first two chapters read. It was very addicting. I was left convicted and felt my heart was ripped out of my body and dipped into a bucket of razors and then the bucket filled with vinegar. I was in tears at two different points in the book. I was in some good prayer and fell asleep peaceful. I woke up and still felt it in me.

Then everything changed after that. I got an email that through me off. It was a misunderstanding and due to a bad night I was the one that took the brunt of an attack. Now the email was fine and understandable but the one line that threw me off was it attacked my faith. And then I got a nice visit from an old friend, Anger.

I was so angry I was in prayer a lot that day. I even talked to two different friends to help me try to remain my focus. They both were encouraging and it helped me through it. It was from God they were able to help me.

Now that day at work I could not focus. So I kept notepad opened and typed out all my thoughts throughout the day. That and I was in prayer a lot. I came to a few conclusions or revelations of where I am. It wasn't pretty. Even though I was the one wronged it was my relationship with me and God that was in test. I saw that from my reaction to that email, I still have much to work on in my heart and God. It's not depressing at all, in fact I was glad to see it.

So here are my notes this week. It really is a lot of questions but all shows me where we as christians today seem to be, and where I am personally.

I. From Pursuit of God
The presence of a veil in my heart is deep cutting. Even in my walk, self has lived un-rebuked at the alter before God. Much as the man in the mirror, it is not hard to identify but only have to look into my heart from God. This is who I am not what I do.

We dare not rest content with a neat doctrine of self-crucification.

So far I am seeing how bad I am in self. So much is for me that i do not take time in relationship with God.

We hide our face from God even though he has seen more of it than we ever will. Yet when we will give our accounts to him what shall we do? Run away form knowing our sins will be revealed in a very real and uber frightening way? When we run from that very day and turn to see him in our face, nose to nose all of the sudden, will we drop to our knees? Will we ask repentance? Will we come to him as saints or sinners?

The thought and fear of hell might cause some to come as saints full of self. Others drop in unworthiness knowing full well sin. What shall I do? If a book brings me to tears over my sins then what will I do upon that day when I am called to give an account?

When I put too much or any faith in man I was and am lonely. For one man can be measured. There is no need of faith in man as his actions measure him. For it is wanting that faith in man to journey with, befriend, whatever...it is then that I am lonely. Yet when I seek that faith in God whom cannot be measured, I am not alone or lonely. When I seek him he becomes real and fulfills more than any man can. He cannot let me down. Yet my expectations can and do in man or self (let me down, or anyone)

II. Tuesdays notes
No matter how angry I am I still have no rights thus.

I am on the defensive so it shows how much I value my own worth or faithfulness.

I know where I am in my faith with Christ and should put my refuge in him not I.

I know meekness is where I need some work and brokenness.

Putting my value and securities in man is what keeps me lonely and alone.

I should not worry what others think of me as I know, I hope, what God thinks of me.

I feel like I am loosing control, but then isn't that what the Christian walk is about? Not being in control and letting God in control? And steward only what he has given us? Do we really claim this much as our own, even control?

When someone wrongs us why do we stay angry at them? Or get mad at all? Isn't it God's will that happened? Why do we take it upon ourselves to want to right the wrong or revenge? Are we not supposed to grant grace and forgiveness? (I know we are)

It is hard for us to give up things, control, anger, justification as it gives us entitlement and covers our insecurities (while we have it we have value) and cannot and more often do not give it to God.

That Was Monday and Tuesday. That is a lot of stuff in two days. But something slipped. Self came back in and so did some of my old sins. They are current sins as I am alive, but I want to call them old since I do not want them anymore. I have not been as close in my devotions as I was monday and tuesday. I can feel the difference.

There is more I read that has been grasping a conviction upon my heart. I went back and re-read some in the Studies in the Sermon on the Mount from Dr. Martin Lloyd Jones. I have read those chapters previously mind you. And they were not as deep or hit home as they did when I read them this week.

From the chapter Blessed are the merciful

We are not meant to control our Christianity; our Christianity is rather meant to control us... (it is a fallacy to think in any other way, and to say, for example, To be truly Christian I must take up and use Christian teaching and then apply it...the position rather is that my Christianity controls me; I am to be dominated by the truth because I have been made a Christian by the operation of the Holy Spirit within. Pg82

Now that is also cutting. It takes self, out of the equation. We are not in control. You can even take it so far as to have control since you have a choice. But the focus is not control self to Christianity but to follow la Christian life by works of the Holy Spirit. It's not about keeping tabs of who is in control. It is about obediently following. That's what I believe from this.

The trouble is letting go. To anything that delivers you to sin. Anything primary to god are the first things on the list. Friends, family, idols, self...especially self. When we carry our cross we don't get a carry on bag. We seem to be able to let go of everything but ourselves. That is the most difficult.

Now I sit here wandered back away a slight now missing where i was Monday evening. And in that process of being broken I was broken again in seeing that there are more issues in my heart to work on. I was amazed, actually frightened, how much anger controlled me. Then came mercy and forgiveness. Which Those are areas in life where love has not been allowed in my heart.

At times I do not know who i am anymore. This week showed me how much I want to seek him, yet how much anger and pride I have inside me. I look at that person and ask who is he? Am I he? There is no way. Either God is breaking me of my old self into a new creation or he is bringing me out to be the man I am and the man he calls me but peeling away at the new self that has taken on the clothing of the world.

I have been a child outside in the world playing in the mud. And when it comes time to go home there he is in his whitest robes trying to clean me up. Trying to take off the evil filthy and dirty clothes and I am trying to keep them on.

Seeing oneself for who they are is a hard thing to see. Yet I do not want him to stop showing me. I don't want to stop being broken. I have seen glimpses of the veil being torn down and in the light I saw it was not only god it was I the one I am in Christ was also tearing down the walls. He is there. During those glimpse I felt a freedom I do not get to see very often.

The tears this week have been from joy and freedom. Some of shock after seeing myself of evil.

Also Tuesday there were two things that brought me relief in all this that helped me maintain focus. Well one was selfish pleasure (Mama's Family will be on dvd) but it was the song Amazing grace.

Amazing Grace how sweet the sound
that saved a wretch like me

God works...

2006-08-16T12:02:00.000-05:00

...nuff said

It hurts when...

2006-08-15T22:54:00.000-05:00

...you realize that while you hurt you are away from God. That does not make sense I know. But neither does this whole last 72 hours. Well actually it does too.

Since Friday twice have I been upset and angered. Once at my taking offense to something and second to harsh unchrst-like words from a fellow brother in christ. Well his actions were not christ-like I find it hard to consider him christian.

In all this I have had much anger and frustrations even a huge side of bitterness. I think I got the platter special that was on discount. Gernerous portions for a cheap price. The sad ting its cheap but it gains interest like mad. So it does get very expensive.

I am angry. And those I have shared this expereince with more than understand why and are very suproized I was treated in such a way as I was. Until it is resolved I cannot say details. But only those of what God has put in front of me.

While I sit here angry and mad I feel justified in such. As far as this world goes that is fine and dandy. But not with God. While a relationship with another may be causing issues why do I let it replace the intimacy I seek with God.

Trough this I see that I am a sinner. I still believe in myself. Apart form god no man should. Meekness, grace, and forgiveness...I have been charged in these three areas this weekend. Mostly from Tozer's Pursuit of God. And taking the two incedents out of consideration and taking what is left with me and God.

If I were to act upon what I feel I am right with then I will miss out on furhter intimacy with the creator and then deeper relationships now and future. I am actually thankful I go through these now so I will understand better when I get married, God willing, but in any and all relationships. Christ suffered those who used his name. He suffered for those that lived his name, the name of the father.

I can see that there is still much pride left in me that needs to be broken. So something bad was done to me. That's nice. What does it mean with me and God? That I am a sinner and I cannot do this by my own power as mine is corrupt and evil will only spill anger and hatred over.

Being broken is very humbling. I have lived with pain and anger for so long. And giving it to God is a hard process. I still want to feel control over it. Yet we all want control over our lives. But man is not meant to have control. At all. We are to shepard or become stewards of what we are given here on earth from money and physicla items to heart felt sthings such as love and caring. We have no control only God has complete control. Yet as all, but I can only say I, still try to hold on to that. We do not want to give it to him. I sit here angry can;t give it to him as I want to control it all. Lord please break me. It hurts knowing I hold onto this.

I was already workign through these thigns when this morning happened. One friend said it was a test after the book. One pop quiz that caught me off guard. I want to freely love and that is so hard to do. today I came to another place, In knowing meekness is really something to be looked into, It occured to me it should not matter where man (anyone) thinks I am in my faith or walk with God, that is only between God and I. It hit me, he knows more than I do. I felt everything had its time and palce. That even this even was meant to be.

God has been letting me know he really is everywhere in my life. He loves to give us mirrors. And they are not the purdy ones ya see in barber shops and hair salons. All in all, I could be angry or whatever human emoiton I want. Or even know how to deal with. But in doing so puts up a floodwall between I and his work. I p[ray that I can let it flow and not put up anymore walls than I have to. It is not between me and the person who wrongged me, but between me and God.

I see that when anyone puts faith in man that we are alone and lonley. But when we put our faith in God, we are not alone at all.

As I have felt this more and more over these last few weeks. My alone-ness was not based on God. It was without God.

A very good read...

2006-08-15T07:27:00.000-05:00

Read the Pursuit of God last night. It was a very fast read. But very deep. Very convicting. It had me in tears twice it was so moving. Had a good night of sleep afterwards too. I may have to read it again.

Then I find that those you want to be a christian brother too can hurt you just as much as those who are non-beleivers. But quickly I must turn this over to God. to help me over the hurt, and help those that are in need of him.

A journey seeking...

2006-08-13T20:36:00.000-05:00

I guess in order to make sense of this all I should start from the beginning. These last two weeks have been wonderful for me. They have been very based in the word and prayer. Well not as much as it might ought to be, but it has been a lot more than it was. Consistent too which is also a first for me. Well I have been but never like this.

Friday I was to meet up with two folks and I was ready for a eye opening day something spiritually uplifting and I came away angry actually. I blocked it off though. Put up my defensive walls and played the game so to speak. This stayed with me. There were two points that upset me but there was one that really has rubbed me the wrong way. I was very upset and frustrated. Not immensely but enough that It dominated more thoughts than I would have liked to.

All this over the point of sarcasm. Now here comes the kicker. I know it does speak against this in Ephesians, directly says sarcasm depending on the translation. But that to me is a translation issue. Regardless if you do look at the whole picture sarcasm may not be a very beneficial thing. Sometimes downright ungodly. You can tell me it is wrong. This I can deal with. But the message was not bad for godly means. It came off as one who does not like it and would rather stay uptight. In my opinion.

That is what I saw and the request for the no sarcasm came off very ungodly. So much that I ignored the request as it being a self-righteous request from those that made it of me. If I had heard God in there, I could have been convicted. But alas I did not. I heard two persons personal campaign to squash it regardless just because they did not like it.

No where did I hear God in the request. As once they came off that self-righteous attitude i could feel their minds were icy and closed off to any reason or logic understanding or meet God in the middle and go from there. Nothing. Closed minded completely. It was a case of an external issue and not one of the heart. I would have listened if it were.

I stayed upset. In fact as I write this I still have some feelings about this. It is wrong for them to do so and make this request. The day went on. In fact later that night I had some folks over and we played the board game RISK and had a lot of fun. Many laughs. And with it being all men....you can imagine. Sarcasm was everywhere around! It was all in good fun. I later thought back on this night and was like hahah sarcasm that! I wished they were there so they would have exploded their heads in complete craziness.

Saturday comes up on me. I have started listening back to What's so amazing about grace. Just listening to this did help point me out one thing. While I was so mad at them in how the request came of me, I totally became the hypocrite. That for the first time I saw that I am self-righteous. Two year ago I was not. Even at that it was face value and therefore had no meaning. But I see how I am now.

While I was upset I felt justified in being upset. I was well withing my rights to be angry. To be labeled sarcastic and uncaring. Might have well called me Satan and put three sixes on my head or something. But I saw that I was very bitter over this. I was wronged and I was better than them for I understood and they did not, they even refused so therefore I was clean and they were dirty.

Well all this after it really hit me that I thought I was right they are wrong and I am better than they...it hit me. I really am self-righteous. So I took this to confession in prayer. I am still trying to understand in confession to myself over this. Talk about pride. I took it to scripture. I read some of the book and got some good notes.

It only begins with pride and self-righteousness but it continues on the other side of the coin of grace and forgiveness. Forgiveness and grace are needed in all relationships. I see that with the closes around me and those that do mean evil for me. Even in the sarcasm in a matter of heart, yeah I can see where that needs work. Listening to those I walk with spiritually (in this case) I see that they did not lead me to Christ in this request. Yet God did. Scripture pointed me to him.

Last week I learned this valuable lesson:

You search the Scriptures because you believe they give you eternal life. But the Scriptures point to me! Yet you refuse to come to me so that I can give you this eternal life. John 5:39-40 (New Living Translation)

I came to scripture and see that I have failed in this one area of my heart. But now I have to take this to him. I have and will continue to do so. Prayer and confession have only started the healing a bitter heart. I read this that gave me comfort and helped me to understand that sarcasm may need some working of the heart.

A sanctified heart is better than a silver tounge. Thomas Brooks (Puritan Preacher)

The words A sanctified heart......this jumped out at me and instead of rubbing my nose in it as one would a dog, it rubbed my heart in it. Sanctification comes only from one place, one person, one all. Him. Taking this and the scripture from John to heart...it is he who has set works in me and to him should I turn to.

This morning I think it was I turned back to scripture again. This time I picked up my devotional bible and started flipping just to find somewhere to start. It took half a second, literally when i came up on a devotion called you are proud and cocky. I paused. Looked up to my ceiling trying to guess what he was wanting to tell me. It was a half funny moment but spooky with the timing none the less. The story was sorta weak I thoughttp://www.blogger.com/img/gl.quote.gifht. It did not jump at me. But the scripture did.

Take control of what I say, O LORD, and keep my lips sealed. Don't let me lust for evil things;don't let me participate in acts of wickedness. Don't let me share in the delicacies of those who do evil. Psalm 141:3-4 (New Living Translation)

Which comes after a few times recently praying (not word for word) psalms 139:23-24 has brought me to a second lesson. That I should not put too much into man. I should not put anyone above the Lord in any area of life. I looked to them for spiritual guidance but more so than I did to scripture, and even scripture more than I did towards God.

I was upset I guess as I felt they failed me. But I failed God by putting more into them than he. Even in sermon the previous week it was said do not put your family above god. That is a hard one to swallow but if we do put family above, we fail to acknowledge that life on earth is temporal and not eternal. While seeking God we may have a family, yes, but our family is a small family to what we would have on the other side of the clouds.

It is better to trust the LORD than to put confidence in people.Psalm 118:8 (New Living Translation)

Being wronged, I think I may have brought some of it on myself as I was bitter over the wrong reason. I wasn't as mad as it not being a godly request, but that it was actually made to me. I too missed the heart of the issue. Self righteousness blocks the heart and closes minds. It did to us all in that room the other day. But I can only account for myself at this point. But the opposite of this is grace.

Grace and forgiveness have been a big issue for me. Healing some serious wounds from my mother nearly two decades ago, I see that it may be time to let go and put faith back in God. Read that the word forgive has the base word give. That is so very deep. It now means something different. Forgiving is not just saying it's ok, it is giving those that wronged you something in return. Grace? Maybe. It is giving back to them that you will not record this wrong and love them in spite (I think that's the right word for this) of what they did unto you. Forgive or for GIVE? I like the latter.

Now this brings a great opportunity to pray for them. Well anyone who wrongs you, it is a chance to pray for them. Pray for our enemies and even those that are close and wrong us. I read something that quoted Bonehoffer

Through the medium of prayer we go to our enemy, stand by his side, and plead for him to God. Jesus does not promise that when we bless our enemies and do good to them they will not despite fully use and persecute us. They certainly will. But not even that can hurt or overcome us, so long as we pray for them...We are doing vicariously for them what they cannot do for themselves. (Dietrich Bonhoeffer, The Cost of Discipleship. New York: Macmillan, 1959, pp.134-35)

I think in context this was for our enemies that does not know Christ or are unbelievers. But it does show us setting our time for those who are not us or wrong us even defile us we are giving them time, even greater than time we are giving them our heart.

We must for GIVE as it is commanded and if we are to be for GIVEn.

Now the big picture. This has been such a great revelation of who I am. Above accepting at face value. Now that the true value has been established at least. What if this were to happen in a family? Or even one day to a wife? This may have been a great test in relationships this weekend. I see that I am even more a sinner now and that there is still an area on this journey to work on. I do not want to carry this over into family values when this comes along. But it does show me grace and forgiveness is needed in all relationships. Among those we fear, those we love, and those we like even those we do not know.

To love others as we love ourselves...this to hit me like a bag of razors. Once again this weekend or the sarcasm discussion for example. Even my mother would be a great example. The two greatest commandments 1.) love god with ALL our hearts and 2.) love everyone (neighbors) as we do ourselves. If I do not forgive them then that reflects that I an unforgivable. That by not extending this love as commanded in the second greatest commandment would make me not love myself.

God has been so wonderful to me this week. Two weeks. Year. Two years. Many more years. This weekend I guess he said get off yourself the way to me is not from man or scripture and defiantly is not from myself. Man does not live of bread alone, or fellowship, or scripture, or funny spiritual feelings in your gut after sermons. Stop the contemptment and come to me. Come home.

It has een a blessing to see how much things have been changing or coming to surface after reading scripture much more frequently. It has also been a blessing to see him at work in the lives of others. This too warms my heart.

Anger and bitterness arose from self righteousness. The opposite:

Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Matthew 5 (New International Version)

Now to answer my own blog. A journey seeking. I now have an answer (that has been brewing for sometime)

A journey seeking...grace, forgiveness and shalom.

C'est fini

2006-08-10T10:52:00.000-05:00

Finally I have just completed the Pursuit of holiness workbook. I have the book, workbook and audio book. I read the book 1.5 times, listend to the audio 3-4 and read book with audio 1 time. The book was great it has been such an eye opener. Gave me new convictions and all that funn stuff.

Now the workbook, I think needs some serious reworking. SOme of the questions I loved and then some I hated as it seemed to throw me off. But there are still some major thoughts on this book. My friend Lorie says it was a life changing book for her, for me it was more of an eye opener. Whichever it is a great book. I think I still need to take a night here ina few days and summarize and reflect the wholness of what I read in this book. I know I have several pages of notes just form the workbook alone.

Next I may read Tozer's Pursuit of God. I found it online for free so I downloaded it to read later. Now from what I know of Tozer is like dropping your heart into a bag of razor blades soaked in vinegar. Here was my introduction to Tozer (this was not from the Pursuit of God, but from another book that quoted him:

The old cross is a symbol of death. It stands for the abrupt, violent end of a human being. The man in Romans times who took up his cross started down the road had already said good-bye to his friends. He was not coming back. He was going to have it ended. The cross made no comprimise, modified nothing, spared nothing; it slewed all of the man, completely and for good. It did not try to keep on good terms with its victim. It struck cruel and hard, and when it had finished its work, the man was no more. (The Best of A.W. Tozer, p176)

Sheesh thats just very cutting. And so far after reading the intro and first chapter, it seems I may be in store for more of the same stuff. I may start up reading again another hjerry Bridged book The Discipline of Grace, but I may try to continue witht e book/audiobook combo again with Phillip Yancey's What's so amazing about Grace? Then I might just make those the next three. Then I thgouth about going back over and do the questions from the last book I read Never Beyond Hope and try to grasp a better understanding of those that stood out to me.

Well I have only 20 books in line to read or pick up where I left off. Good thing I do not watch TV much anymore. In fact its rare. I will still do movies, but even they are down. Two years ago I would have said you were crazy if I were to give TV up...well I guess I am the crazy one now.

Still I should nto get too far ahead ofmyself. There is still much taht needs pondering and prayer in life right now. So maybe its time to focus in on him and see where I go from here.

What have I done...

2006-08-08T21:44:00.000-05:00

What does one do when you know you have wronged Christ? Or is it God? I am still trying to pinpoint are they three individuals as one or one as three or how? This is theology which can throw you off the trail. I wonder if Satan created theology, at least the word as a theology can separate a church or faith. One bad word, yes I consider theology a bad word, yet we all have one, but when the word is used it brings tension and division it seems. I am coming to grasps that I am not Calvinist even though I have have some Calvinist tendacies.

But back to the point, I have wronged him.

I know there have been several times in life where I felt alone. I have even felt this a few times at church but the thought goes like this...When I am around everyone knows me, I am there. But when I am gone (or have just left) I am the first person everyone forgets.

This theme comes up every so often in my life. Even this last Sunday I felt a bit aloneness but I did not treat it normally. Instead of drowning in it, I went home and started my trip to God. Did some reading and stuff but my focus was not on myself, I was driven towards God. This is a very good sign. For one it shows I am still human and it still does hurt, but also it showed me that I don;t have to sulk about it, I can turn the pain and sorrows into another direction and even towards Christ instead of an escape. This was good.

Now back to this thought, the first one everyone forgets theory. It hit me that is what I, and I am sure so many others, do to Christ. It's Sunday Christ is everywhere! Ok Time to go home and go to bed, He is still there. I pass out and wake up the next morning. Christ who?

I could be reading a very good book or even some scripture, even a book on the scripture. Some deep thoughts come my way, I feel opened to a new truth (an old truth applied in a new way) I feel connected and even twenty minutes later, I do something contrary to the stuff I just read. I do the opposite of the revelation and conviction just received.

I get angry when I feel that I am the first person everyone forget and yet I do it to him all the time. I feel as I have just punched myself in the stomach...Figuratively...The term hypocrite does not do this feeling justice. I know I have forgotten him before but knowing that I do the same thing to him that I hate feeling myself...shessh.

It is knowing he is around, the same occurs he is waiting in line to talk with me, to journey, to be there for me, and I stand there not stopping what I am doing talking to whomever. I see him there, I know he is around but I am not giving up first my self, then thier other person, I am sacrificing nothing for him while he is there next to me waiting on me.

If I do this, how many others do this? To him and then to others?

This last week and a half has been a crazy time. The other day I did not know how to pray or what to pray for on folks around me. Then all at once I get three right off bat. And these are all a serious prayer. Not just a please let me get an A on my test prayer, but a here is an issue in life that is making things difficult for me. A prayer I typically don;t want to just say n get it over with but make sure it radiates in my heart before I pray it. Even if it is short, I still want it to be prevailing in my heart first and above all.

I have hit some crazy valleys, and I know there are a few close friends in some sort of valley now. And I really want to do what I can to help them back out of it. I do pray that I am able to return the love that so many have given to me during those times, even the good times....

oh no you never let go, through the calm and through the storm

Amen to that

Hacked and stung

2006-08-08T09:12:00.000-05:00

Last ngiht I started to write an entry but it just sounded too crazy. I tried to make it a story form, somehting to show a point. But now that I look back upon it, it's blah, very very blah.

In a nutshell it is becoming more obvious to me that one sin is not just one sin. That one sin may be a byproduct or lead to another sin. It comes as a package deal. Now I see that somoene has hacked my website, wonderful news. Tasteless picture too. A wonderful godless photo where my website should be.....I want to be mad and retaliate but that's not godlike in return now is it?

So then I called tech support to get things taken care of...well after the call I felt a prick. I thought I must have gotten a splinter. Then I saw it was a bee on my shirt.....I freaked out, took my shirt off and ran to the other side of the apartment. I hate bees and insects. Utter fear them. I went crazy until I killed it. I have no idea how it got in here as we have not had the balcony opened for some time now.

So this is a wild day. I am behind on everything, got hacked, and stung. I wonder if God sent that bee?

I really need some time to break down last week and even this week...it has been long that's for sure.

More family(ar)

2006-08-06T23:01:00.000-05:00

It is crazy how one could be minded on God and contemplative, and then chill out so far that it takes more effort to get where you were than being there in the first place. I think I might be coming down with something to close to it. My ears have been popping a lot, getting annoying but I maybe congested.

Anyways this week has been a full week. So much happened. Thursday night and Friday were some big days. I finished a book and copied all my loose notes so far from the pursuit of holiness into a new notebook, so much easier to get to the notes now.

So I have had much review of where I have been over these last few months. But knowing where I am now, well that is a different story. It seems there has been a shift of heart, a shift in the planets lining up so to speak. Tonight at service were two really wonderful songs. But it was the second song that really stood out.

We have only sung it once before I believe, not many I know. It only came out not to long back. It is downloading now. So all is well. The one doing the singing tonight was so beutiful, loud, and with passion from her heart. This was the best I think I have ever heard her, either that or the song was so powerful it hit me more. She was great. After the service I let her know that she did a great job and then I commented “It's about time you got loud!” You could feel her singing it from the heart. It is from Matt Redman called “You never let go” The lyrics can be found here.

The louder she got the more it hit me. The more it resonated with my heart. In this highs and lows God has not left me. I know there is much healing needed in my life. I feel now more than ever that God has purpose for me. I am not quite sure yet, but there is something stirring, something brewing. There is much more molding needed into that man, the one he calls me to be. And he did provide.

One of the hardest issues I have had is with family. And then since it was supposed to be a preacher and his wife...that did not happen and I grew up not godless, but hard to get connected to God. So I have had a hard time with love and family. I did not have that supportive love. And when I say in prayer dear heavanly father....it's odd. My father wasn't that great loving supportive one I needed during those years growing up. So I took refuge in comics and stuff. Rarely would my father express love and it was typically during the hard times, but other than that the L word was not used.

So I guess I grew up with a messed up view of love. It cam around every now and then but when you needed it, was no where to be found. I had to make my own love. So then I started many habits and self love and worship. If no one will love me or take care of me then I have to. Even later I could not give myself up completely in a relationship. For me Love meant Self. Both a four letter word. Love hurts yets, yet when it is self and not love, Self hits below the belt. Love hits the heart.

This would describe my last serious relationship. I was not in love, I was in self. Felt better to have someone so I elevated myself up. I stayed this way for years. Now I see that is not right, good, or godly. I want to know what love is, now I got a flood of 80's songs lyrics now hahaha. Well God is letting me know what love is. Webster's was wrong, they cannot defining love, in fact the whole dictionary cannot even match the pages it will take to tell of it in full.

The topic is the shift. In one of my counseling sessions the point or goal was set to work on the relationship with my mother and father. Very shortly after that I called my father. It was a typical call. Just checking in seeing how everyone is doing and such. Then it was time to end the call. All was normal. It typically ends with a holler at ya later or something like that.

But this time it was different. At the end he said he loved me. I have not heard those words for so many years. Out of the blue, nothing bad or major happening, just random.
There must have been a shift as life, well I dunno. I lived for so long expecting not to hear that. I guess this has changed life. Nothing major on the outside. I guess I needed to hear that. I am still taking it all in.

Yet in contrast when my mother says it I keep myself cold and distant as I do not want to get hurt again so I am very protective of myself. One parent says it and I am dumbfounded (from shock) and the other I am cold and protective and will now acknowledge it. Maybe like Jacob who from the get-go had a messed up family. My family has been broken and maybe it is his will to fix it, heal it, mend it.

For the last several years my grandmother was still here we were never able all together for christmas. She said during her last one that one day we all would be. Now a few years alter my brother is married and a father. A new addition. My father may be close to getting re-married since the divorce 18 years ago. Family is in several pockets right now. Is it God through me that this may come to pass and be one family again?

I d not know. But I feel in my heart family will be a part of my life one day and maybe soon. Yet the heavanly family is THE family, not just what is here on earth. I must unlearn all i know of family. To relearn what THE family will be on the other side of the clouds.

While my family was breaking, he never let go.

And now hearing three words from my father I know that I am not forgotten. The boy that was hurt was left behind and alone for many years. After being I guess comfortable growing up and being raised from selected comics and tv shows I wanted to grow up differently. I was already an adult. God has taken me in and is teaching me differently. He has always been there. He never let go but I tried so many times. I raised my hand for him to help me back up.

He never let go. Even when I did not see his hands, He never let go.

And then one day I will want to reach even further reaching to heaven for his hands. And may that day I too see that he never let go.

My story may not be the same as others, it may have different pain and sufferings, yet I see that I may not have ever known the value of love or family. I might have seen it as a one hundred dollar bill. But now I see that the same bill to so many I see it as one hundred bills. Every bill every blessing counted and understood. Not just one good bill.

Such a relational day

2006-08-04T09:34:00.000-05:00

This is such a great verse.

Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will know what God wants you to do, and you will know how good and pleasing and perfect his will really is.
Romans 12:2 (New Living Translation)

This I got from the workbook for the Pursuit of Holiness. Which I love and hate that workbook. It will ask some deep questions and then some of the stupidest face value questions I have ever heard. The kinds that tend to throw you off track every time into a blank direction. So I mark those answers in as the stupidest questions. I actually write it is a stupid question as the answer then the next questions is deep and written seriously. It's kinda funny I think.

I am reading 4 books at once. I have read a lot this week alone. My reading, bible time, prayer, and meditations are up this week. Which is a great sign. But there is one bad sign.

I have recently become convicted of envy which has a side order of jealousy, frustration, and anger. Pretty much seeing folks at work, namely the new photographers, move on and get positions while I remain stuck at where I am at and not being able to obtain any goal I set for. When I should be happy for them I am angry at them and don't want anything to do with them because they got to be somewhere I would have liked to be while I suffer physically at my current position.

I was in an ok mood all day yesterday and then after I saw them on my way out the door I became upset. But I was able to think through it and come to a reasonable place with things, at least acknowledging I have some envy to deal with. Even that it is beyond envy now. But this is one thing that I will need to work in my journey now. It is defiantly a matter of the heart.

Last night I was able to get out with a friend and went walking. It did a lot of help. I felt even better than I did before. At least being able to air out my concerns and have someone listen. Even his encouraging words were actually encouraging this time. Typically when he tries to encourage me as such, I do not take them as encouraging. But this time, I could see that.

Then I come home and discover roommate issues. One as well has been convicted of selfishness lately, as have I (pride), and then the other has some issues I am now concerned with. But with the selfish roommate (that just sounds wrong, but I can't give out names on here) we talked for a few and that with itself was amazing. I could see work being done in both of our lives. The other one we really need to sit down and encourage and love on him. I am not going to be a nazi but it is definite that there are some matter of the heart to contend with. I am not mad at him or anything, but I am concerned with for him.

So last night was a very different night. It was a very relational day. Went to work, got angry, went home, and then things ran its course. But today is Friday, errands day and pay day...So time to get out into the world and do stuph! Yes I spelled it that way on purpose.

Something family(ar)

2006-08-01T09:03:00.000-05:00

Last night I was reading some more into one the book Never Beyond Hope, by J.I. Packer. I read about Jacob and then Samson's mother who was unnamed in the bible. Now here is the best part.

When I was reading Jacob it was about family. From the beginning his family was messed up. From his mother helping him to cheat his brother of his birthright and then all the way near the end where his sons sold of their brother Joseph. And even in between it took him a while before he was really conencted with God. It really wasn't until he wresteled with God out in the desert that he then became close with God.

Now coming from a broken home much like Jacob did this part did touch me a lil. As it was something I could relate to. Not that the same things happened but that the family wasnt complete or whole.

But that is when I just felt something different. In seeing the whole picture of Jacob's crazy family life that down the road his son Joseph set many things great again. That the bad things that happen in a family God will set straight again. And this was very comforting. It may take some time but to remain faithful until then. I guess I would need to go back to those certain pages and pull from it what i felt.

Intimacy...It's not a dirty word

2006-07-30T18:46:00.000-05:00

AS a child the story of Samson was pretty much a guy who got a hair cut not of his will and then smashed a bunch of pillars and killed some bad folks. That was the story.

Now after reading I see that is not the case. He is a normal guy. In fact he has some issues. A practical joker that was too sarcastic, lustful as he could not say no to the ladies, an angry guy and a few more flaws. But he was still used in God's will.

So tonight during fellowship the comment was made "God uses effed up people" (yes the word uses was effed I am not censoring the F word) and my reply was yeah and I am on the list.

Just knowing that imperfections are still used for God and his will. Tonight's sermon was good. It did help me to get a few things in perspective. At least I felt better about a few things. I know that my struggles as of late are due to me not seeking God. I am not running from him yet nor am I running to him either.

The other day one of my roommates started watching the 10th anniversary edition of Clerks. Now back in the day I could watch it a dozen times and think nothing of it. Now I watch it and I was offended and could not stand more than 10 minutes of the movie. The language was horrible. Now it was great dialogue between the characters that I will admit. Yet is not something that I wanted to hear.

One of the main character's had a total lack of manhood about him. Three years ago I would not have seen it. Today I see that he does. My sensitivity is growing back. I guess I was away longer than I thought and got de-sensitizes to more than I thought.

I feel good right now and want to serve somehow. Maybe I will go and pray for some folks.

Tonight one point that got me in sermon was that God has started works in me. I can see that and right now feel that. Even when I turned from him or did not seek him he was still there and never left. Even taking a scientific or atheistic view I can see he never left. As if there is a higher power, with or without a persona (God), that no matter what I did the higher power or being was always there no matter what.

So the next time I feel God is not there I hope to remember this fact. That if he really wasn't there I would not exist nor would the universe.

Now let's dance the night away. I'm serious. It seems I hit something with the last post. Dancing really does parallel life and how we relate to one another. I tried to look into dancing before and it just did not work out. I was scared and nervous and still am a wee tad, yet I am not scared of it. I still want it. In fact whenever I hear goody two shoes, Mambo number five, or any jazz for the most part I get moving...You will see me at work boppin to the music. That is a funny site to see and one day someone will see me and laughs will be had all around.

Now that I have seen there is more to dance than just the moves. It is a change. Even the essence of your very manhood is called into action. Well I let the idea slip for a while as I need to get finances taken care of. And I see that with some help and a bit of tweakage I can do it. I can afford it. At least on the dance floor.

But internally God has already started the dance lessons in my heart. I am starting to see it when I am not busy blocking the view of reality with my own deeds and self. Maybe I can start a dance ministry at church one day. Not just dancing but biblically applying it all and learning how to relate to one another.

Well can only go one day at a time. And one issue at a time. To learn intimacy I must learn to become intimate first.

For many years that word was so dirty it was so often associated with xxx and porn and the like. Now I see it is deeper than that I have been duped for so many years and missed out on this wonderful word.

With intimacy in Christ you find identity in Christ. I am seeing identity and know I need that intimacy first.

***Update....For some odd reason I was wanting to serve some way or another after service. So since I had roomates while they were gone i cleaned the place up, vac, dusted, dishes, sweep, kitchen....still debating on the mop job. Sometimes you don't have to go anywhere in order to serve.

Intimate Dancing II

2006-07-26T09:22:00.000-05:00

Now that I have had an evening of ponderings I can actually collect a few of the thoughts from last night. If you have not seen Take the Lead, I would suggest doing so. It has a good message in it and really opens you up to thinking about dancing. It is still an urban kinda flick, but it is a feel good flick in the end, at least it was to me.

In the movie Antonio Banderas is a ballroom dance instructor that becomes a teacher for some detention students. Well there is always that one jerkwad of a teacher that believes its all about students knowing math and not how to relate to one another in life. He puts the heat on Antonio's character and he now has to answer to the PTA who was about to fire him. Even though he was a volunteer.

Now when he was able to talk, in fact he had to force his way to talk as Mr. Jerkwad tried to not let him, he mentioned several factors of dancing. If a man can learn to give respect on the dancefloor how would he treat women? If a loner type student learned to dance how would he work with others? He had many great points. The best is for the men learning to respect women in different ways.

He was teaching some NYC high school students so sex was pretty much atop of their lists. After hearing this the parents started to listen. He even gave a demonstration with the principal (female). He won the position all over again.

Just to think of how one could relate to women (ok this is taken form a mans point of view) to take the lead and headship. As the point was made in the movie it's not just about dancing, its about applying it to life. I have wanted to dance for a while, especially after I saw some swing and Jive. Now let's put a different spin on things.

Now another fellow blogger Christine has made an entry on her dancing escapedes. For those that know her just think of that song "Maniac" from the 80's (she's a maniac on the dance floor), at least putting her in that music vide is just funny. I bet my good ol' pal Rabby would agree.

But to the point check out her entry here titled Divine feeling of being led by man. It is a good read and really hit this from a ladie's point of view. So guys if you are listening take notes......WOMEN LIKE THIS STUFF.

But let's slow things down and put a lil christinaity on this. Where God calls the men to become the leaders. Now even on the dance floor, just think if that were life how do we dance? I mean life not the dance floor. Even from the movie and reading one of the last lines from Christine's blog is that dance is not a change or becoming some one different. It is learning about yourself and control. How one relates ot oneself and then relates to others. And then taking that, harnessing that energy and knowledge, and applying it to a partner and anyone in life.

This isn't Dirty Dancing here at all. In fact it is still very encouraging. Just from watching the movie alone. There is some history, very brief, but it tells where dance came from. Here is the kicker that gets me about the whole thing. Even in taking this to life, realationships, and godly headship (in a relationship) was that when the warriors came back from battle and were going to celebrate the victory they were expected to dance and take control. If you just won on the battle field you now were to come back and win on the homefield. I beleive I got most of that right. I need to watch the movie again to make sure I got it.

But those just wanting to get out and learn some social skills or those who want to apply dance to life, I would highly recremend it. I am making it a goal instead of a dream myself. Now how to do it I know I can, but doing it, that's another aspect all together.

But the male headship in the walk of the christian man is still a heavy topic. Another blogger Jessica had made an antry after a hiatus that really hits that same point. But this time from a females point of view. Click to read Strong Women vs Weak Men. Now being a guy I have heard the other side more often then the one she heard. Yet however she is right. In a nutshell many women get the end of the stick that they are too dominate or strong in a relationship and therefore do not live up to godly standards in a realtionship.

Like dancing both have to work at it. The male still has the bulk of the stress with most of the moves, yet the women still have to follow as if they do not follow the male cannot lead. It is a dance. It is not about leading by pulling a lady that does nto want to move. When a woman wants to move she has a certain flow to her. Men really should take the lead but that does not mean change her speed. Women are to submit to their husbands as stated in the bible, yet the men are to submit to thier wives. Try dancing to that.

Men want to move fast and women want to move slow yet at a pace. The man is to slow down to her flow, earn her trust and lead her into not hot pace, but thier pace. Let me submit to her while she submits to me and together we have our own pace. Even then both should not focus on the other in this dance, there is only one dance they should worry about. And that is for God. If either focus outside that box, things start to happen. In a godly relationship it is not finding a man to lead, it is not about finding a woman to support and follow, it is about following God and making that the first most intimate relationship. Follow those standards and laws set by God with the life of Christ.

In fact one of the comments to a recent blog of mine said:

God wants all of you first. When you can let go and trust Him, become completely satisfied where you are, God will surprise you with the most precious gift of all. But, first, God must be able to trust you to keep Him first at all times. When you have a wife, it is easy to put her above all things. Ask God to be your complete satisfaction. He will.

When dancing this dance why do we not stop and think, Lord how do I dance this dance with you? As in the life he gave us, how do we live it? How do we dance it? May the lord help women support and build up men, may the men learn to lead yet not lead unto themselves yet lead only to God.

intimate dancing

2006-07-25T22:02:00.000-05:00

I guess these last two days have been, well godless but knowing his presence was there when I wasnt ignoring him. There is much I should be praying on here lately. It seems that I am about to really have to walk with others along my journey and that well is a dunno. Right now there are many thoguhts flowing through my mind and it is hard to collect them all. At least to form cohearent sentences.

In a nutshell the lack of intimacy creates lack of charachter. I see that the lack of intimcay with God is creating a barrier from the identity I am seeing in him. And from what I have felt and see, it is a whole different Tom.

I have looked over my budget a few more times and I can afford to take the dance classes I wanted to. But it will take a month or two before I can start that. Everytime I listen to Goody Two shoes from Adam Ant or Mambo#5 from Lou Bega I get all jumpy at work. I want to get lost in songs like that for hours. In fact at the wedding this weekend they had some jazz playing and the uber breif reception. And just standing there I got to feeling better by the minute.

I can't wait to learn how to swing and jive and all that jazzy type stuff. I have liked the music but never got into until I saw the movie "Take the lead" After that I got very interested in it.

I did ask around and look into it but got discouraged when I saw how much it would end up costing me knowing that I am not under that much control over finances right now. I just cannot save or get ahead, but I can make ends meet.

Now this weekend looking over finances, I see that Hey if I want the dancing, I might wana try and earn it. Realy set a goal. Get my expenses down and do some lessons 3 times a month. Then after that for a while, reduce the lessons to a monthly membership yadda yadda yadda.

That way I can say I feel I deserve or have earned the dancing. Actually that is a dangerous thought within itself, as it should be knowing that I am paying thosw who I am in debt to first before I spend on myself. I will be doing both at once but still it is a first step.

.................. more to come

singles sites keep you single

2006-07-22T09:44:00.000-05:00

These last few days have been different. I have been able to sepak with a few folks about certain issues. It has helped a good lil bit. Hopefully it will all come together and work as a whole as several different people with several different issues in my life I am seeking them on.

I think I have come to the descision that ALL and I do mean 100% of the dating sites from yaho, match.com, eharmony, and the rest of them ALL DO NOT WORK and are a waste of money. Then I have heard of those who play are the ones who get the prize I am not a player. It seems that even searching for "Christian" women on these sites still keep me at ground zero. I am slowly coming to the fact that God will have to provide if I let him. Most likely someone at church (any church) or through a mutual friend would be the way things are meant to meet.

There is hope as today I am going to a wedding. Looks like the last one I will be going to for the year as no one else I know is having a wedding anytime soon. So I get to look sharp again today!

Oh well just ramblin now. I need to wake up and collect thoughts later. I am feeling a tad bit better today.

A mountain of...

2006-07-17T10:03:00.000-05:00

I went into sermon yesterday finally at a place where I thought I could view my current faith status. And then the message hit upon those points. Actually the songs were much closer to home than the sermon.

Where I was is that I looked upon the person and the life I was encouraged to have. From a career, family, and God. It was like a huge mountain as so much more has been brought to me as things to work on in my life that is preventing it all. In fact it was a huge mountain.

This mountain will require much change. In my heart I do want a family. I do want to learn what intimacy is in my relationships. I am starting to see that I do have an identity as I am seeing how others communicate back towards me.

I want to break the cycle of pain that I have suffered since childhood from my parents divorce. I grew up just terribly. My father was there for me and my brother but that was food on the table and a roof over or heads. Anything else I had to find elsewhere. And then my mother not even in the picture, well that hurt just the more.

Seeing my pain and suffering over the years I keep seeing glimpses of a better life. Not a perfect life but better. Where as I become more of a godly man and eventually husband and father. I want to break the cycle and lead my children to God. Bring them up young in Christ. Give them the chance that I did not have. And to become that husband and father, a parent that I never got to see in my life.

The man that is on the mountain is strong as I am finding out I am weaker that I ever imagined. The man there still has his days but his days are not without God. He not only lives a life that others can see as Godly, but also tells others of God. He has learned to love and to serve genuinely from his heart.

Sitting somewhere near the foot of this mountain it is as if there is an angel there blocking my way. I asked him Why can't I go furhter up? Why can't I go paast you towards the goal? The angel replied "It is not I who is keeping you from crossing. I am not sayong you cannot go furhter. I am saying that you won't go any furhter as you are living contrary to the goal."

I am not being blocked from this change. I am being told that becasue of the many sinful choices that I make are in fact taking me backwards from this person. This is in fact what I am being told.

This is overwelming and such a condemnation it feels at times. It just seems such a long ways to go. But then that is the message I have been getting in several places is to take time and keep working through it day by day.

Ye yesterday early in the sermon I came to a point where there cannot be condemnation without salvation. You can't have the chicken w/o the egg now can you? Here on the one side are all the changes or ways to become and if I not I may risk the chance of hell. Yet on the otherside I see that there is a way to achevie that which is through christ. But that walk is much more tha living christian, as was said in sermon yesterday as well. But it is LIVING christian.

So where am I at on this? I know there are a few major areas I need some work on. I did get one area of that started on. I hope to hear back formt hem by weeks end. That is one area. I should not get discouraged yet take things one day at a time. Which is what I shall do.

I know that when I see these snapshots or glimpses of who I am becoming, it is confroting to see and then when I realize I am slowly becoming that new man.

A side of anger with an extra order of frustration

2006-07-15T19:15:00.000-05:00

I really do not understand the tug of war raging witing me spiritually where its a light switch I can go Hot to Cold in zero to one and back. Sitting here today I am frustrated and angery slightly for some odd reason. Nothing stands out really. I do not know why.

I have been reading some new books and have more on the way. Pretty much all about sex and realationships. It is not as perverted as it sounds but it ranges from past, family, relationships ahead and held with others and taken from a spiritual and psychological standpoint. Even reading last night I see this new thoiught or whatever emerging.

It is the snapshot I referred to in the last post. The more I think I am doing ok or NOT BAD the more I get comfortable with that, until I catch a glimpse that I am far worse off than I imagined. And this is from a normal or ok state of mind and not after some deep contemplation and meditation type stuff. I saw this glimpse of the mountain I will have to overcome.

And that itself is overwelming. And trying to reach out to others to ask for help or even to hear me out, if even to understand ot help with the spiritual principals, I reach and do not grasp. This only adds to the mountain as I may have to walk it alone. No one to bear my burden with me. This saddens me and angers me at the same time. The road will be long, hard, and alone.

I have tried a few phone calls and sent several emails this week to no avail. Ok good now that I have it down I think I know a part of what is bothering me.

Yet another verse that I guess is convicting yet depressingly overwelming.

Isaiah 59
Warnings against Sin
1Listen! The LORD is not too weak to save you, and he is not becoming deaf. He can hear you when you call. 2But there is a problem--your sins have cut you off from God. Because of your sin, he has turned away and will not listen anymore. 3Your hands are the hands of murderers, and your fingers are filthy with sin. Your mouth is full of lies, and your lips are tainted with corruption.

4No one cares about being fair and honest. Their lawsuits are based on lies. They spend their time plotting evil deeds and then doing them. 5They spend their time and energy spinning evil plans that end up in deadly actions. 6They cheat and shortchange everyone. Nothing they do is productive; all their activity is filled with sin. Violence is their trademark. 7Their feet run to do evil, and they rush to commit murder. They think only about sinning. Wherever they go, misery and destruction follow them. 8They do not know what true peace is or what it means to be just and good. They continually do wrong, and those who follow them cannot experience a moment's peace.

9It is because of all this evil that deliverance is far from us. That is why God doesn't punish those who injure us. No wonder we are in darkness when we expected light. No wonder we are walking in the gloom. 10No wonder we grope like blind people and stumble along. Even at brightest noontime, we fall down as though it were dark. No wonder we are like corpses when compared to vigorous young men! 11We growl like hungry bears; we moan like mournful doves. We look for justice, but it is nowhere to be found. We look to be rescued, but it is far away from us. 12For our sins are piled up before God and testify against us. Yes, we know what sinners we are. 13We know that we have rebelled against the LORD. We have turned our backs on God. We know how unfair and oppressive we have been, carefully planning our deceitful lies. 14Our courts oppose people who are righteous, and justice is nowhere to be found. Truth falls dead in the streets, and fairness has been outlawed. 15Yes, truth is gone, and anyone who tries to live a godly life is soon attacked.

The LORD looked and was displeased to find that there was no justice. 16He was amazed to see that no one intervened to help the oppressed. So he himself stepped in to save them with his mighty power and justice. 17He put on righteousness as his body armor and placed the helmet of salvation on his head. He clothed himself with the robes of vengeance and godly fury. 18He will repay his enemies for their evil deeds. His fury will fall on his foes in distant lands. 19Then at last they will respect and glorify the name of the LORD throughout the world. For he will come like a flood tide driven by the breath of the LORD.

20"The Redeemer will come to Jerusalem,[a]" says the LORD, "to buy back those in Israel[b] who have turned from their sins. 21And this is my covenant with them," says the LORD. "My Spirit will not leave them, and neither will these words I have given you. They will be on your lips and on the lips of your children and your children's children forever. I, the LORD, have spoken!

there is a problem--your sins have cut you off from God. Because of your sin, he has turned away and will not listen anymore.

All this from sin. We are always sinners so does this mean God will never hear us?

Snapshot

2006-07-13T10:11:00.000-05:00

Well so far I have been in the job market for 16 months trying to get in the door of somehting I love to do. And so far I get to feel stuck at a job that is to physically demanding of my health and sleep. I have tried part time (side) jobs and even some that would be full time, even some that the pay would be extremely lower with a foot in the door position and all of them do not happen.

I have found a few real good photography jobs this year so far. All of which were false hopes. Some would look great and then hear nothing back. SO I stay where I am at. This does get frustrations and then adds to lack of motivation for the art.

And yesterdays even, even though I was upset, I could see a parallel to within the situation. The night before I was really getting ready. I was searching my old notes from class, putting together a portfolio for the first time ever. I really liked my beard too. No clippers only a razor, so needless to say that took some serious time to shave. It was a close shave too. Did laundry that night, printed off extra copies of resume and refrences, set my alarm clock, just getting in the zone.

WOke up went to the interview, it was raining so traffic was crazier, but there was one guy who let me over at a crucial point! Someone is looking out for me making sure I am there on time! What a good omen I thought, well god happening rather. I make it in and we start the interview. The first thing was asked if I had an associates. they forgot to mention that you must have one for the position. Technically that ended the interview. Not even 30 seconds it was over. This was the fastest one I had ever had.

When I walked in the room a few seconds before there was my former teacher there. It was good to see him. But then I quickly realized he too was part of the interview process. They did appolagise and then asked if I would like for the to review some of my stuff. I was more than glad to.

It was the best professional level critique ,from someone who knows the field, that I have ever had. There were lots said but every bit was encouraging. Never did they turn me away from things, they just said I would need an associates, shoot shoot shoot shooot shoot and shoot again, the biggest thign was experience, even shoot the mundane things too. This would only take one thing...time.

This does paralell my walk with God as well. I know this road will take time, practice, and discipline. They did not turn me from that road but they did encourage me towards it. In thinking of the paralell I see that snapshot of the man God wants em to be. I see that snapshot a great many a times. Here is what I get form it all.

The Tom I am is a work in progress. The world does not want just good old Tom. All know him when he is around and is the first they forget when he is away. He just is. What the world wants and who God molds him to be is that of a Super Tom for lack of better words. The journey will take time and down the road when we look back upon now we see there are two Tom's, one of the old and then the super of the new.

When I first started going to Sojourn I was asked to tell my story, in breif, so that I could gain access to the message boards. I told him it was a "Prodigal return" where I was away for a while, still kept memories of home and such but remained away seeking answeres. And now I was on my way back. The journey back is longer than the journey away. Where that when I see that I am back orhave been back to that ploace I cannot define, justto be back will be worthy of a feast. It is better to have one come back than one who has been there everyday. I may be paraphrasing that part but I do beleive it fits where I am at.

One day if it is his will for me to get a career in photography, it will be joyous. One day when that Tom who is strong and firm will be joyous to have come back or come to rahter then having it that way everyday.

I am not upset at the interviewers yesterday at all. I am upset at not getting the job. But I am trying to hold on and focus in on God who right now seems to tlak by telling me NO to everything, it seems. I have feard my desire has become an idol so for now I do not know.I could get upset with God for not sending me a memo and telling me somewhere near the neighborhood my path is going to be for him. But I wil just keep suffering day by day until that day comes. I can;t write much any more as I am getting angered just thinking about my work/sleep situations.

I can't even complete a sentence now.

No job

2006-07-12T11:39:00.000-05:00

I did not get the job. In fact becasue I did not have an associates, I was out right off the bat. So the interview was technically over. However they did offer to look over some of my stuff and gave me some good feedback, the most comprehensive I have ever had. So it was not a complete waste. Just a tad down is all...but still there is hope but it is far off it seems.

For now it remains a hobby. Living a dream a fantasy of being a professional, only taken as an amatuer.

Getting late, getting tired

2006-07-11T22:44:00.000-05:00

I don't recall ever trying to get this prpared for an interview. In fact this one is more like a pop quiz, how much do i want back into photography. i have had a very long hiatus and so want to be back. Tomorrow I may have that opportunity.

I really loved Photo 1 and 2 when I was able to go to JCC. I did not care about any other class but those. I have had many fun times and decent projects. Some are hanging on my wall as we speak. And then after a very long dry spell I hear of an opening for the instructor for that very same class. Photo 1. I go in for an interview in the AM.

I do not know much about protfolios so I threw one together as best I could. It is more of my work in Photo I. Its at least some sort of graphical representation. Then I may get to pimp my website in show even further what all I can do while I was in the program.

But does this make me enough to be a teacher now? It is a fun challenge I would love to take. I would be relearning while I was teaching. It is a great opportunity and I can work it as a part time job and not interfere with my current job.

Now I fear I may be getting too wishful again. I would liek this job, but I ponder if this is the job God wants me to have? Is this this direction? I should be thankful but I should not be anxious about it. But I cannot help but to. Maybe photogaphy has become an idol in my life and I do desire a job in that career.

Who knows. I know there is a desire to have a somewhat happy job. This would be a secondary job so it would be supplemental income which would be a good releif right about now. Help me get a nice head start.

Ok I just did the time taking task of shaving. I actually liked where my beard was. It is character I think, at least since it does nto ever grow in completely. Oh well now my face is nice n smooth...

I am going to take nyquil tonight to get some sleep. Start a sleep ritual for the evening to get tired and then pass out. I hope to be up real early at work, to leave for the interview on time, so I hope it does not rain until much later in the day after that. But if it does, I will prepare somehow.

Ok shave, check, clean clothes laid out, check, resume and refrences printed, check, portfolio, check....ok I think I am ok so far.

But to pray once again, that I follow God's will and that I follow his lead tomorrow. If bad news I just fear I will take a spiral down, and get that trapped feeling again with my current situation. One day at a time, and seek God. I pray there are folks near me that will help me run to God if that happens to be the case. I know all I have to offer is myself. And that's what I am running wit...well offer what self god wants me to offer.

As I thought...

2006-07-11T12:44:00.000-05:00

I had this feeling that there was a point where one could repent over n over and all that stuff, and it come to living two lives it seemed....

1Shout with the voice of a trumpet blast. Tell my people Israel of their sins! 2Yet they act so pious! They come to the Temple every day and seem delighted to hear my laws. You would almost think this was a righteous nation that would never abandon its God. They love to make a show of coming to me and asking me to take action on their behalf. 3`We have fasted before you!' they say. `Why aren't you impressed? We have done much penance, and you don't even notice it!'

I will tell you why! It's because you are living for yourselves even while you are fasting. You keep right on oppressing your workers. 4What good is fasting when you keep on fighting and quarreling? This kind of fasting will never get you anywhere with me. 5You humble yourselves by going through the motions of penance, bowing your heads like a blade of grass in the wind. You dress in sackcloth and cover yourselves with ashes. Is this what you call fasting? Do you really think this will please the LORD? Isaiah 58:1-5 (NLT)

Even taking fasting for repentance or sinning....I feel the same can and does apply.

Some more ramblins...

2006-07-10T00:17:00.000-05:00

Looking back this week has been a tough week. it has been emotional and stressful. In fact tonight was good, It was much less stressed and just got a good time to chill out and rest a lil. To accomplsihment was doing the partner directories for church. They turned out so much better than i originally planned.

I have been able to get back into some scripture but seemed to still go back to pleasing myself in many ways again. It gets hard to think of others many times. Especially thinking of God.

What a long week. I am not sure what this week is ahead of me. Well Wednesday I have an interview for a great position. It is only art time but it would be teaching the very same photography 1 class I took at the community college. That would be a great return to photography. But I stil pray that I seek not hte job but that of God's will. I hate getting myself all nice n happy thought filled when then it comes crashing down with a no later. So we shall see.

In light of my revelations from last week, I may hold off on them or add to them...who knows I might even just come up with a book n it....self published online of course.

In light of it all, it will be and is a great transformation. And I mean great not as in supa fly cool wonderfullness, I meant great as in vast, deep, heavy...a process. Nothing simple that's for sure. And most of that is my rebellious human nature. I would rather serve or please myself than to call upon God.

Last week was wierd, there were times I wanted to go running to God to protect me from whatever it was, and then there were times that I wanted to be left alone to do my thing. Kinda odd how that wokrs huh?

Oh I had a wild dream again last night. I can't recall most of it but I was a theif or there were some gangs after me, something about it raining and then seeking shelter in a mall, and something about an 18-wheeler truck and the bad guy behind it all was in it. Oh well who knows.

Last ngiht I did something and now my shoulders/back muscles hurt like crazy.

I think I will go grab some good God tme before bed. He has given me much this week to reflect upon. I know things can be done, things will change, just not of my own power, only his.

Everybody, ready, set, YAWN

2006-07-06T18:08:00.000-05:00

Today has been an eventful day so far. I woke up and got busy. The next issue of the church partnership directory is so very close to being done and in a nice print format too! I can;t wait. I am looking at the prototype now...its awesome!! Then I came home and took a nice nap.

Now I am awake waiting to go into work here in a few. These last two nights have been ok. I talked to a friend last night and voiced alot of concerns and even helped play a trick on his wife. In fact I learned that women don't like cocnu scented depoderant or product names with the word teen in it! That was funny.

Then today just being around others from Sojourn I managed to get much done. So after tomorrow all will be done!!! Then i can find another project after some rest. I know several folks need moving, dunno if they still do or not. Last week was emotional week and this week has flown by so fast.

*yawn* I don;t wanna go intongiht, an early bed time would be so nice. Wednesday I have an interview for a part tiem job I hope I get. It would be a very cool job, but I don't want it to get between me and God. I may try revisting a few sermons from this weekend that got me thinking. I am just blabbing right now. Tired but I feel good.

Observations

2006-07-04T10:52:00.000-05:00

It's amazing how much a sermon, cleaning, candles, and a clean room can help focus. Well from last ngiht I started just letting my thoguhts come. After this blog I wrote another 3 pages that I may post later. I am up to 7 pages so far.

I started looking around to otehr resources and it came to me that there are too many howtos and step programs or pacakged programs. I am not saying they are bad in any way, they should only be used as a gateway or a door into a bigger world. Not for everyday encouragement. If anything they should point you in only one direction.

Where I am I see that it isnt getting to an understanding it is getting back to God and daily. That is the battle and struggle I face where I do it or I don't. It seems that the books I read the parts that get me are usually the scriptures it references.

Not sre where I am getting at right now, just citing observations.

Such a long week...

2006-07-03T22:27:00.000-05:00

Last week was a draining week. It was full of many emotions. With death, birth, farewells, serving, cleaning, moving, roommate issues and even work.

A few spiritual days as well. My faith right now is on a rollercoaster. I can be reading and being in a spiritual state and then go off sinning in a mtter of minutes, sometimes in the middle of reading or pondering.

I have not prayed or really been reading much lately. How I can go to walking towards godliness and jump off back into my own ways.

Much is on my mind. So very much. And it is almost discouraging.

I have been listening to some of Mark Driscoll's stuff and one of the other pastors from Mars Hill...it is just too convicting that I have very little emptional reaction to it. Its just powerful.

I am trying to get in touch with a few others to reach out and speak to them about my current state of faith. It is not good.

I have a dream, a vision not of mine own but that of what God wants me to be...at least that is what I believe.

Yet there are too many idols in my life that keep me from it all...many indeed.

Right now I am just talking of whatever comes into mind.

I think I might change the header graphic.....still keep it a journey seeking...but it is a path of intimacy and repentance.

I dunno, just alot running through my mind right now.

Its Thursday somewhere in the world

2006-06-29T08:43:00.000-05:00

There was a post I started before Monday' news. I have it in a draft, and its long. May get longer here soon. In a nutshell where I am now is there are moments of need or moments of Sin whereas we, especially I, do not turn towards God at that time. Not if we don;t think of it, but yet when the thoguht comes into our minds that we should see God or pray or think out or anything that points to God at the time...and we ignore that, isnt that a greater sin than sinning itself?

I know that my issues are not the worst in the world. In fact I have a firend right now, gave birth to twins this week and died a few hours later. Here he is now a single father, lost his suitible helper and dealing with death and two births in one day. That is some stuff stuff.

And here I am sitting along complaining or worrying about my stuff, yet I can;t fathom how he has been able to wake up everyday to face the new world he has been thrust into. God is working in his life with many friends and family that have not left his side.

Maybe I should put things into persepctive. No matter how bad thigns are God is there, the universe is at work. On a normal and good day the same thing.

And seeking or turning to God everyday, may sound like a bit much, but after two or three days, I start to feel a difference in my thoughts and actions in everyday things. Not just sinning, but every little thing too. My thoguhts and desires and actions.

Wel these are my thoguths for now...who knows what the day will bring.

In a state of disbelief

2006-06-26T15:30:00.000-05:00

I woke up this morning, or afternoon, as usual from working night shift, tired, frustrated and just lazy not wanting to do anything. I did manage to budget out a few thigns for the next three weeks, and then get a bill paid. I was tired n grupmy starting off the day.

Then picked up some of my fav lunch and took it home. I got into my recliner, popped in one of my fav tv shows and just started eating lunch. I had just created my zone and was ready to chill Then I got a phone call that changed it all.

I found that a mutual friend that I played D and D with a few times, his wife was pregnant with twins. Long story short, she died and the twins survived.

This is just too surreal, still hard to beleive right now. So tongiht in group we will have some serious prayer time. But my tone has changed. From grumpy on the start, to now my heart going out to another family.

in fact two guys in my group have connections to this friend. So this effects three men in my group. I still can't beleive it. He had his wife yesterday and now she is gone, no warning or exit just gone.

I do not know the family well enough right now to do much for them, but I know there are many folks there for them right now. The lives this effects is happening on a crazy week.

But I know that I can pray for them at least. It is times like this it is hard to understand god and his sovreignty. I think he was a christian, so this is just....

I dunno. life happens yes. But that still does not make things any easier.

Still hard to believe right now. Just a wee tad too much surreal right now...I think that's the word I wana use.

My life, a movie?

2006-06-21T12:58:00.000-05:00

First for the record....this quiz has alot to do with this post...it's not just another quizzy deal. There seem to be just too many of them out there but, this one does seem to tie in.

The Movie Of Your Life Is An Indie Flick

You do things your own way - and it's made for colorful times.
Your life hasn't turned out how anyone expected, thank goodness!

Your best movie matches: Clerks, Garden State, Napoleon Dynamite

If Your Life Was a Movie, What Genre Would It Be?

Now indie flicka are often unheard of, off the radar, never stood a chance in Hollywood, yet they often have the better stories to be told and are often bette movies all around, I think they call them films.

Well in looking back at my life, my story if it were to be put in a movie....wow. In fact I am learning to make even the worst of my past in a complete saga of who I am today. So that I not forget a chapter or two as no matter how good or bad or even different it may have been, it is still a part of me, who I am, it is still my story...and I should not forget that.

A few weeks ago in sermon, on Psalms 73 I think it was, there was a point made about seeing what was ment for evil in ones life to see how God has a use for it. So a bad childhood for example, should not be forgotten to see all the wrongs, to see what redemptive qualities God is using in that person's life.

Even my own sins should not be forgotten...well this is taking a fine line that love means forgetting sins...But that is another point for another time. But looking at these sins some more evil than others, yet still a sin. How can good be made of them?

So when that day comes and our lives are converted onto film, mine would most definately be an Indie flick. It would be dark and melodramatic at times, sad and even happy at times. It would rum the gamut from many emotions, cover nearly everyone of them. No one would hear of the film, they might run across it late night one night, or at an all day festival somewhere. Some will love it, some will hate it, some will just be left exhausted wondering how I ever made it through it all.

Especially whent he plot originally started with a once upon a time beginning. It sure went crazy after that. And now it is an epic saga corecting the damage done so long ago. I can't wait to see the ending or at least the end of the chapter before a new season starts. Ya know how most shows have a different theme every season. I can't wait to look back at the end of this season to see the victory.

Victory is hard to see much like now being disconnected with God. Right now just the slightest bit is bothering me. So it is hard to see these victories in my ways, my sins, my thoguhts.....

So in a nutshell my life would be an indie flick. So for those who are local to me, I hope to see ya at Baxter Ave theatre here one day. I don't think Tinseltwon would play it and I refuse to let my movie be played at Stonybrook.

A paralell road.....continued

2006-06-19T23:55:00.000-05:00

I may have lost a friend. They, she is not dead or anything, we did not have a fight, she is still there. But I feel I may have lost her to the world. I beleive that God has answered my prayer. It just did not happen the way I thougth it would.

To tell the story as it is a part of my journey of the last year. This relationship, well friendship has taught me alot and looking at this info has helped me to refocus on a few things.

It started May of last year. It was a long distance friendship. It could have become a relationship but due to the distance it never did. I did come to love her and now that love has changed into a Godly love. A love for a sister. We met over this blog actually. Shared email addresses and then it went form there.

We talked late nights alot last summer. I mean late. We shared alot with one another. I could see that her journey sounded much like mine. I have cried teh same cries, screamed the same screams, and even though our paths were different, our journies were the same. My feeling for her grew. She was seeking God and a better life through God.

She is a single mother of three and one with special needs. It is a challenge for her to go through and to know that above all that, she still wanted to seek God and come to a better understanding. She is very special. God has given her a special role in life. I wanted to help her in whatever way I could and did.

But life took us in different directions once fall was drawing near an end and winter on the way. We both were coming into a new direction, me with roomates and learning community etc, and her into an uncomfrtable living situation into one of her own where she could get back on her feet again.

Now she has a new chapter in her life this summer. One I know that I can no longer help her on. All I can do is pray for her. Over these last few months I have seen her drift in our friendship. Yet this I am not saddened about. I am saddened that she is struggling much more than ever before with her relationship with God. I can hear it in her voice. She is ashamed to go back to him it seems. She is scared.

She no longer goes foten or is able to seek him. I can only point the way, but it really is in his hands now. I have learned more how to love and serve in this case. And how to look at women in Christ. I got a glimpse of being close to a woman. Even though we were never really close, we still knew alot about one another.

But the saddest part is not the situations that came in her life, by choice or circumstance, but the fact is she is hurting in her relationship with God. I do want her to have that peace.

So back in May there was someone on a paralell road with mine. But like a noodle it can paralell for a while before one or both goes into a different direction. Our paths may cross, what I hope to be many more times on this and the other side of the clouds.

But now where my road goes... that is a story within itself. God has given me several glimpses of that life ahead, the road I struggle to stay on. I no longer have anyone to paralell. So the road feels a tad lonely at times. It gets hard when everyone around me is getting into a relationship or married.

They have found someone to bond themselves to though Christ, with God. Now the freedom is mine, and the time can and should be devoted to God. When it is my journey that should paralell Christ's journey. My path needs to cross with others in Christ if I am ever to grow. And lately it has. Several times my path has crossed with others and it felt great. Yet I still felt compelled to another path.

This year has been as predicted, a year of relationships...and it has so many times, so many ways. My own relationship with God well it has it's days. Yet there he is waiting there for me when I come back.

A paralell road

2006-06-19T13:03:00.000-05:00

Ok so now I sit here and ponder where things are going in life. I know where I have been during these last few days a paralell road to my journey. Now the thing about it is, its slippery I guess as taking that raod no matter how much merit is there, it looks good, sounds good, and everything I have seen is good. Even looking at the scientific and physchological aspects of such path everythign seems legit.

Yet there is one factor that is left out, it is without God. So that path, no matter how legit it seems, does not seem the best path to go. But the battle is there to walk that path. It is also one of thsoe that in order to walk it would mean tio walk away from where I am now.

Then again I could take that path and keep God in the radar, yet even as such, I still do not find myself going back to God everyday, I mean really going to him in prayer or meditation anything to build that realtionship.

More to come....maybe

I just needed to get these thoughts down

Some randmon thoughts

2006-06-15T08:29:00.000-05:00

Just some general ramblings really. Work has been wild this week. They moved us to another part of the building. I don't like the spot to much but its growing on me. It has helped with my production it seems. That and listening to music!

Watched the movie Serenity and like Firely, there is much that can be pondered upon in the realm of God.

I have not really been much in reading or prayer, meditation, pretty much any of the connecting stuff lately. And I can see how it is effecting me. I found that one of my good friends is pregnant after she just broke up with her boyfriend. There really isn't much I can do than what I already have been. I know I can't be the one with the answers but only try to guide her back to God.

I know there are still many goals that I myself want to accomplsih but I feel there is no reason to get started. I know my finances and weight are two major concerns yet I can't seem to start with the better habits.

Some good is that I did make major headway for the next directory for church. That is good. Now I just need to bring it all together. Its bigger than last time.

Tonight I get to go to a dinner for the volunteers at Jeff Street. It's just a time to get everyone together away from the center and chill and be thankful for all those who really bring it all together. I think it's going to be fun. If anything it's anight away form the house with some good old folks.

This weekend I sorta dread. Both roomates are gone so the place is all mine. With the way things have been I am afraid that bad thoughts or patterns will enter my mind this weekend and take me away from godly things let alone focus. I tend to get in trouble when I am alone like that. At least when I don't want to be alone and happen to be aloen I get into troulbe like going on spending sprees or eating binge ( I guess you could say). I could watch some more movies, least that way I might be able to keep my mind off things.

I could try reading but my focus hasnt been there or is hard to once I start.

Who knows I might get a good meditation night in there. Turn off the lgiths, light up some inscnse and candles trn on some soothing tunes.....yeah maybe. The bible too.

This ends the random thoughts.

Where is Joseph when...

2006-06-10T19:43:00.000-05:00

I had some crazy dreams last night. I think I may want to revisit them. Actually there was one aspect that I may have taken to literally. Looking back or in a broader sense of it...it was right. It was to watch who I would confide in, I guess who I would call a friend.

In other news my mind has been preoccupied these last 24 hours. Yet I see that even no matter how scientific this idea may be, it is not with God. It is with man or earthly realm. So yet one more thing to let me know not to put faith in others before God, yet put faith in god first and foremost. Or I will continue to be let down.

I can admit when I am wrong, but this is one case where pride is stepping up as a defensive mechanism. Too many times in life have I been the one to carry the wrong while both parties were at fault. They were righteous and I was the one at fault. I refuse to appoligize in these cases any more. Yet that is not very christlike. I feel entitled to an appology form the offending party, but I know I should not hold my breath. W.W.J.D? I know what he would do, but do I want to? I know that if I make that step it will seal that I was wrong before I was wronged and make them clean and me the.................it is angersome, yet this does remind me if a psalm where the wicked....maybe I should revisit that one.

I worry alot of how others perceive me. I am not a monster. Yet this is how I am left to be. Most folks would rather throw a label at me and walk away because of thier own righteousness. And beleiving that even those who seem christian and me putting faith in them acting christian...well that needs to stop as well. That is me judging them as such. It is up to God to make that call if they are or not. I know that the fruit that is produced from these "christians" are not very fruitful except in their own circles. They are the first to cast a stone, yet the last to walk with or help the fellow christin that is down.

As far as intimacy, letting in others into a deeper level, well this is where things get rough. There are some in my life who do have a level of genuiness (i hope I spelled that right) that I do respect. Even on the bad days. Just becasue they say that are christian does not mean that I should trust them or confide in them. Guard my heart, in fact I think that was another dream meaning I missed and a verse I was to remember....

Yes I am angry and have strayed away from christlike-ness...yet this event and the events following could be very well a message forthcoming to me in my dream. It is not what god has willed, it is how I react to the events and does it drive me to Christ or elsewhere.

I think it is time to do some serious evaluating of this last 24 hours.
...Guard my heart
...do not put faith in man but God
...watch who I confide in or call a friend

Thankful for...

2006-06-09T22:28:00.000-05:00

...the friends that I offend to say so and still hear me out. Not turn me into someone I am not.

28 years later

2006-06-03T22:38:00.000-05:00

Ahh another year older. Facing the oncoming bald spot and one gray hair. The general concesous is to shave my head when the bald spot comes in too deep where I comb over the spot. Today was a memorable birthday. The first b-day in as long as I can remember that I had friends over. Just even spending time with me at dinner and chillin out afterwards. Even Had a slice of cake and one made espresso icing for the cupcakes. It was awesome.

Both parents called today for bday wishes. I was able to talk to my dad for a moment and i totally blew off my mom. I want to talk to her but not today. Not on this day. Now the cards I got were cool. Just spending it with friends is worth much praise.

I have not had much time the last two days for God centered time. I think that is where I am at now. Time to focus and just breathe. Looking at this as another year here on earth and reflecting where I have been this last year, well this last 6 months has been a ride within itself.

I would have to sum up as the birth of intimacy.

I have been able to spend more time with other people and really learn a few things about folks. Really see where a deeper level of intimacy with God is needed as well as it is in others. Others have came into my life on this deeper intimate level and are a part of this journey. There is progress but there is none. It is being written daily minute by minute. It is only a beginning, as such is life. It should always be a beginning, progress yes, but always getting to point B never arriving. This is said as a quest or a journey. Yes the goal can be reached yet if one stops then it is over, if one does not then it is always getting there.

More will need to come into my life for intimacy and I will need to open to others on a more intimate level. There is a change internally right now in my life.

28 years ago (well 29 if you count the months prior) God chose to bring me into this world. Now looking into it as what is my story? What is the purpose he has in store for me. It has been 28 years in the making. I know the settings 28 year ago are not where they are today. Even thinking about the pain and sorrows through life has brought me here to this point.

I think it's just time to wrap it up.....this year of life has been intimacy.

And more to come.

Home sweet um home?

2006-05-29T12:41:00.000-05:00

Everyweek I try to ponder my sufferings and trials in life. Yet there are others in less fortunate situations. But this is an entirely differrent subject. It has been on my mind for the last few days. There have been talks but no action, unless I don't see it. Still another topic for another day.

Yet where I have been these last few days is in a good space. Ihave had several days off and have gotten much done and got to have a social life for a few days. Tomorrow is the last day of the freedom. Yet I am thankful for what I was given.

I have had time to get back in the bible and time for some reflection. And here I am seeing areas in life that I could use some more caution, after seeing things in contrast these last few days. I have felt human and connected to others. And I am starting to see things...well just see really.

I am thankful for what God has given me. Yet I see from Psalms 32:4-6 that I do not confess rather I groan all day long. Sounds like complaining. In fact that sums up my behavior towards my job.

Now this is only the beginning of it all. I know that while I am there I am complaining and I am sure it comes out more than I would like for it to. That and then things I do is taken that way often times when it is not. My focus is all over the board while there. I am not a good steward of work, I mean while I am there. I do not and cannot focus in half the time. I get lost in my own world looking up stuff. I am not there serving my employers as I should be and therefore we could say in an ungodly way. Unfocused, unstructured and undisciplined.

Now God's discipline as was referred in the above verse, is not a punative discipline. I am so saddened how many words have such a negative connotation that it is hard for us to redeem it into a usable word. Discipline I have a hard time with as it is often associated with punishment yet it is also meant as a set of structure and rules that one follows or routines that yeild results.....reading bible every day, running a mile daily, etc. This is how this verse came across to me.

Doing God's will or his discipline is hard to do. Seems down right a large burden at times. So while I am there at work the faith or focus and discipline I have evaporate like water in the summer heat. And this is when I do not confess it.

This is not the only sin that I do not seek God on. We all have them in one way or another in some varying degree. This has been happening for some time as well as told in Isiah 64:7 We sin over and over and not seek him in any part of the process. So we are turned over to our sins and they run amok and even we come to serve them. Our own sins that we used to serve us we give ourselves up to and serve them. We don't stop with these sins. Even I going to bed thinking and reflecting after the sins have come to surface (in a conviction) and think it away. I do not(rare when I do it seems) seek god and confess it.

So this may be why thse sins and unfocused energies get to me when I am at work and life in general. I have seen this week in contrast to the many that I have spent time with where the good ol' Tom that I love for all to come to know...that it may not be the best that I do. I see times where meekness could come into play more often and really focus in on others.

My quest as of late has focused in on the man God is calling me to become. Yet I see now that is not the case. In order to become the man (or woman) he is calling us to be, we must become a child.

We must become his children and not living like orphans. And the focus of growing up and into Christ...we may have overlooked the runway and missed the target. We are his children not his men and women.

Now even tongiht while watching Ice Age 2, there was a theme that goes along with my friend Lorie's blog entry. Ok well it was a generic while her entry was a bit more detailed. Now the hardest thing to do is to let go of anything we hold dear or are enslaved to (sins, addictions, the past), yet we know there comes a point we must.

For me it is the past. In the movie it was said "you have to let go of your past so you can have a future." Which hits home and themes along with the forgivness and repentance being called lately in my reading and meditation times. In sermon this last Sunday it was said something along to the tune of if God is flowing through us we are to forgive as it s God forgiving and not ourselves. This hit me. I know I have much I need to forgive myself for over and over again. Yet even the forgiving my mother now has taken a new turn.

As I stated in an earlier blog An unforgiving spirit is a spirit in bondage. And this even holds back intimacy in relationships. Not jsut the typical male/female, but everyday relationships with God and with others, even our own selves.

Just a thoughts...

2006-05-24T13:35:00.000-05:00

An unforgiving spirit, is a spirit in bondage.

An unthankful spirit is a spirit that will never be satitsfied.

Movie review: Desperation

2006-05-24T11:43:00.000-05:00

***SPOLIER WARNING***

Stephen King has done it again. Yes he is an oldie when it comes to Horror movies. Yet every now n then he can come up with one that makes you think. I did not read the book but once again a miniseries/movie on TV has come to mind. In fact what I saw last ngiht is now my second fav Stephen King flick. Next to "The Stand" that is.

Last night I came home and was gonna do some email and fix some grub. Yet I came home and became glued very fast to what was on TV. IN fact I was glued for the next three hours. It was Desperation.

This had a decent cast and before I knew what movie it was, it had a feel to it. I told my roomate this looked like a Stephen King movie. It was. It had a part that reminded me of watching the Stand. So this already had my attention as it was not a basic horror flick. This one had that religion thought into it.

Long story short the Bad guy was another supernatural being, of course evil, and took over folks and went on a murderous rage. In fact killed a whole town. Tourists then became prey after the towns folk were all gone. Well one family was, well victims of the evil. But the young boy of the group, the praying boy, really molded the rest of the movie. He prayed alot and the rag tag team of folks all over different walks of life worked well together.

Now the boy brought up one part several times of being God's will. Even in death and challenges he faced them with a strong determination and in focus of everything he did was God's will.

It got me thinking. But not as much as it should have. I mean to maintain the focus. Now there was still a dash of realism in it when near the end one of the characters confronted the kid, and staged to hold him down to obtain a shotgun shell from the boys pocket. At that point he confronted the boy who at that point wanted to go in alone...he told him (to the boy) that that was not god's will and that god was not speaking to him then. So he (the man) went in alone instead.

The man who went in was a dobuter but had a dose of God, as he put it. Even until the end he still had a few doubts it seemed. Yet his focus kept him through his task. Even when the evil was now tempting him and trying to entice him with false promises...I mean c'mon when an evil spirit say they will give you whatever you want ya know its false...he played the demon off and finished what he set forth to do. This was his redemption as he realized this same demon he faced in his past.

Now with is a horror suspense flick it had me on the edge of my seat. And when it had the religious part of it...showed the doubts and faith of others and how they all interacted with one another...that had me glued. This kid kept a promise, followed God, and prayed. People were dying around him and he prayed. I know some folks like me have a bad day and God gets out of the picture somehow.

In a nutshell no matter how superficial or fake or even how real these evils are...seek God in all we do, hold strong to that faith, we are here to love and to serve God, and be careful in claiming what we think is god's will (what god tells us). All this from a Stephen King flick.

Whoudda thunk it?

The quiz finale

2006-05-22T12:47:00.000-05:00

Ok there have been several quizes I have taken and have learned a thing or two about myself, even if inaccurate, it still gives me a good idea of a few things.

Transformer: Optimus Prime
Comic Character: Batman
Type of Writer: Film writer
Color: Brown (I like blue better)
Disciple: Jude
Shade of green: Grass Green
Theme Song: Back in Black, ACDC
Personality type: B+
Theologian: Anselem
TIme of day: Sunrise
Candy: Lemonheads

There are more tests I have taken, I can only recall the most recent ones. Its fun but I don't wanna base my life off of a few simple quizes.

TV:
I have started to slightly dislike TV. There are books to read and deep thoughts to ponder, and relationships to build.

Work:
Yes I do not have teh best working conditions. In fact I down right hate it sometimes. The good news is at least until the restructuring hits us all in full, I have an alternate schedule I hope to get approved that will give me better schedule to get out and have a social life or take those dance classes I wanted to. YET HOWEVER there are times at work that things get tto me and then the anger, frustration, resentment etc kick in, loose focus in on God or the focus is "God get me out of here" that I lost focus.

Work has sucked but felt different these last few days.

On Death...

2006-05-19T23:01:00.000-05:00

The physical death.....When a loved one dies why do they always go to Heavan? When did we get to determine this? Or did God send a memo to some folks to let them know where their loved ones are? I do not think this is our place to say if we go to heaven or hell same if a loved ones dies, we cannot say either way.

Next thing it does say in the bible, in other words, that the good die young. This too is deep in thought and nature. There was a girl die this week. It was in the paper. She died in a car wreck. Only 25, a church goer, volunteer all things looked good for her. We may never get to know why her car crossed the median into oncoming traffic. She was thrown from the car and dies on the scene.

Young. Only 25. Not much younger than I.

Maybe it was her time and God called her home, or her death serves a purpose. Who knows. It saddens me as we may never know what side they are on in the afterlife.

I am at work right now and I cannot ponder on this too much. But I would love to here soon. It has been on my mind with so many folks dead in the news this week.

Which disciple are you....?

2006-05-18T12:30:00.000-05:00

You scored as Thaddeus (Jude, aka the good Judas). The good Judas (Jude the Apostle), also known as Thaddeus, was a half Brother or cousin of Jesus. At the Last Supper Jude Jesus why he wouldn't show himself to the whole world right away after the resurrection.

Thaddeus (Jude, aka the good Judas)

83%

Matthew

75%

James the Lesser

67%

James the Greater

50%

Judas Iscariot

42%

Peter (Simon Peter)

42%

Bartholomew

42%

Philip

33%

John the Apostle

33%

Simon the Zealot

33%

Thomas

17%

Andrew

17%

Which One of Jesus' 12 Disciples Are You?
created with QuizFarm.com